diary entry 3

Again, again…

Every time my sister and I argue, my instant impulse is to take the earliest flight back home. Hehe… I know… I know… it’s bad. But I’m just being honest with what I feel. I do love my sister of course. I’m sure she loves me too. She’s a good ate. She took care of me when we were kids (she still does). Now we’re older, we consider each other as friends. She seems to be a grumpy person…maybe she really is, but not to her family. Like any other siblings; she has good sides…and of course bad sides too! She can be so unreasonable sometimes. She is frank…brutally frank… She’ll say whatever she wants to say. It’s a known fact to all of us who know her na masakit sya magsalita. She knows and admits that. She can be cruelly harsh when she’s angry. And I don’t appreciate her choice of words… Some of my close friends think (so does my ate) that, I’m patient when it comes to dealing with people…I really don’t think that I am, though… Pero para s’ken kung kayang pag pasensyahan, sige lang. But when I had it…I really had it!

The main reason why left was them (my mama and ate… My father didn’t want me to leave)… Even though I didn’t want to; I still went ahead because of them. I considered that my sister had been alone here long enough and she could use my companion. Shempre, pinagbigyan ko lang talaga sila. At the very least I won’t have regrets for not trying someday. Now that I’m here…I kinda don’t like it here…hehe… the reason why I’m staying here in spite of the fact that I’m on the verge of having an emotional breakdown anytime, is her. Yes, I still have things settle here, but I can settle them even if I’m in the Philippines. I do have an option to go home and just settle them there. It may take much longer of course, but the fact remains that I can pay them even if I’m already back home. I can still even support my mom. Mahirap shempre, pero pwede. Even if I have that option, I’m still not choosing it, because I know my sister needs me (not just in financial aspect but in others too). I can be more at help if I’m here… Choosing to stay here isn’t easy. There were prices I paid for staying here. It cost me heartbreak and frustration. There were a lot of things I needed to give up. I needed to set aside important things in MY life, including my dreams. I don’t need a round of applause for all of my efforts, much less to be put on pedestal… Appreciation is enough. Hindi ako nanunumbat. I believe in my heart that they do appreciate me. I believe that a sacrifice made for your family is never wasted. Hardships experienced for (or with) your family is always worth it. I love my family so much. Basta kaya ko, gagawin ko. I’m only human, and I’m entitled to having doubts… Sometimes I doubt if all was really worth it. Sometimes I doubt if I made the right decision…because sometimes she says things that make me feel not needed…she has her way of making me feel that I haven’t done anything good for our family… and that makes want to leave at any chance I’ll get. Why stay in a place that you don’t want to be? Why stay with someone who doesn’t need and appreciate you?