prayer mountain

Last Friday, I finally accomplished my plan of going to the prayer mountain. I planned to go there as soon as I arrive here in the country.  Because of my business brought by the holidays it took me a month to go there. If only I have gotten there earlier, I probably wouldn’t be this lost. When I was abroad, I had my best laid plans. I would this, that…then this. Things were perfectly seen and anticipated. But things aren’t what I expected. They are way harder than I thought. I thought that the hardest part was when I was Dubai. But apparently, it’s just icing on the cake. It was only the beginning of another journey. Along with two of my bestfriends, I went to Antipolo. It was a long drive from Manila…but it was worth it. When I was at the prayer mountain…I poured out my heart…I told Him everything in my heart…my fears…anger…plans…and pains. I asked Him to give me pabaon. I couldn’t leave the place without something to bring with me…something I can hold on to throughout the year…What impressed to me was Philippians 3:13 which says “…forgetting what lies behind and straining forward what lies ahead.” It was very fitting because I’m overwhelmed with my past…both good and bad memories hunt me. I’ve always have a problem letting go of the past ever since. I sometimes don’t even know that I have not yet let go…that unknowingly I’m holding on stubbornly. As I heard, bad memories can paralyze you…while good memories can slack you. Too much holding on to either of the two memories can slow you down. So better yet, just look forward. So, what I’m going to do… leave everything behind me… keep the lesson learned…move on…move forward and have a hard yet great life!

at 24

The other day I was reading my blog entry for my birthday last year. As I look back at my thoughts about turning 23, my thoughts about turning 24 were formed. I would like to think that much changed since last year. I would like to believe that the 365 days passed since I turned 23 seasoned me to become a more assertive 24. I won’t deny that I still get easily frustrated when things don’t go my way. I won’t deny that I easily get infuriated at slightest provocation. I still feel depressed from time to time but could bounce back faster now. As I try to remember the year had passed, I can’t help to reminisce my life since I’ve been here in the desert. My journey has been a story of God…a story of His faithfulness in the life of a not so faithful person. My life here has been like a rollercoaster ride. Just when I thought things couldn’t be worse they become horrendous. Just when I thought that I couldn’t be more depressed, God is always there, pulling me out of my misery. Until now there are a lot of things I don’t understand. But at 24 I realized that not all things are meant to understand.  They happen because God allow them to. My faith tells me there are reasons for everything. But my faith doesn’t tell me what exactly those reasons are. In God’s time they are revealed. But they’re just being impressed in me, it’s still up to me to discern them. Yet there are times revelation doesn’t come and my patience takes best of me. So instead of facing my troubles, I spend my energy trying to make sense of them only to come up with a premature, worse, a make-believe conclusion why things happen in my life. At 24, I’ve learned to focus my time and energy dealing with whatever my circumstances are…good or bad. In due time, God will reveal their purpose. That’s God’s business. My business is to live a faithful life regardless of my situation.

refusing to be one of the casualties

I was unable to update my blog in the past couple of weeks because I was busy here at the office and too tired to type my thoughts when I got home. Also, there hasn’t been anything exceptional happened in my life. My social life has been on idle status for a long time. The highlight of my week is going to church. 10 Hours of sleep is what I only eagerly look forward on weekends. In a nutshell… activities, I have none. But insights I have plenty.

Some come slowly…subtly…but pierce deeply. Some come like an epiphany. Catching me off guard and shaking my preconceived mind setting in a snap. My social life may be presently inactive…but my eyes are not. Being in multicultural land gives me a privilege to see life in a unique way. I’m able to witness diverse ways of living of people from different cultures and beliefs…as well as my kababayans’ way of living which sometimes disheartens me but teaches me so many things…

The recent years have been the toughest…saddest times of my existence…Encountering one problem after another while having my own battle inside haven’t been easy. In spite of that, I feel privileged, blessed…Not only I’ve learned a lot from them, they also toughened me… taught me to stand on my own feet yet fully dependent on God’s Grace…independently dependent so to speak. I feel blessed to have learned things earlier in life.  At early years of my adult life, I have a sneak peek of how tough life could get…which taught me to be resilient…to find God in every situation. Because good or bad, there is always a blessing waiting to be recognized…good or bad, there is always something to learn…good or bad, God is always there, even those times that I feel otherwise.  All I’ve been through is perhaps just a preparation for a rougher ride ahead of me. If I can’t weather this, how can I survive tougher challenges?

 So I promised myself that I won’t be one of casualties… I won’t give up, I won’t quit dreaming, and I won’t live a life of mediocrity simply because I’m a child of God. There hasn’t been anything visibly exceptional happened in life, but I know God is knitting a good story out my life…A story that hopefully be a blessing to others.

what i gained from my sacrifice

At the beginning, I couldn’t stand staying home and doing nothing. I’ve been itching to back to work a day after my vacation officially started. I had nothing to do at home and besides I couldn’t get my pending work off my mind. As I pondered the thought of going back to work, I realized that it was so sad. I didn’t even like my job, as a matter of fact there were times that I hated it, yet there I was aching to go resume to it.  So I occupied myself with things and thoughts… that was when I started to be in an emotional havoc. Doing nothing can lead a person to thinking…reflecting…realizing…

I thought of my life here…reflected on it…realized that I’ve grown in a lot of ways. I can better handle my thoughts now…I can discipline my emotions now. The adage that: no one can hurt you without your permission, is more of a mantra to me. It doesn’t only apply to people, but also to circumstances. I realized I don’t give myself enough credit for the things I’ve endured at a young age. I used to resent the fact that I came here too young that I wasn’t able to enjoy my youth.  I just turned 21 when I set foot in UAE. I was just 21 when I bore a parent-like responsibilities. For a time my life was all about work and remittances. While my peers enjoy their lives…going on gimmicks with friends, going out of town with family, spending holidays with their loved ones, there I was working my butt off for the job that I hated to make money that wasn’t even for me. I was far from enjoying myself. I felt that I sacrificed a lot. My dreams…my youth…my life! I even cut off my relationship with my then boyfriend so that I could focus on my priorities. So I had to bear those pain for something that I didn’t choose…something I gained nothing personally . But a part of me knew that even it was difficult, it was the right thing. Never did I think that I would arrive to this phase in my life that I’m thankful for having been through all of them. I honestly don’t regret anything. Yes, I used to be angry over the sacrifices I made. But I realized that sacrifice is a part of life. We all make sacrifices at some point. Small sacrifices such as a working mom who sleeps late but wakes up early to prepare the meal of her family; or husband who is obsessed with sport channel handing over the remote to his wife. It can be big sacrifices such as son donating one of his kidneys to his ailing father; or a mother who works abroad leaving her husband and 3 children including an 8-month old baby behind so that they could have a better life. We all make sacrifies some of us may not even aware that we do, but we all do.  Some refute it, some embrace it. Some resent it, some take pride in it. It’s just a matter of how we look at it. We can be angry over it as long as we want to or we can just accept that it is a fact of life and learn from it. We might lose something important when we sacrifice but we also gain precious life lesson from it.

drama queen attacks!

Last night I cried myself to sleep. I cried and cried till my eyes were exhausted and finally shut. I just let myself cry for I haven’t cried for months. The strangest thing was I didn’t really have a reason for those tears. I’ve been a little upset but too upset to cry like that.  Before my leave started, I promised myself that I would spend my time writing down my thoughts. Clearly, I broke that promise. I’ve only pulled myself together on the last day of my leave. I’m such a procrastinator! But it’s not yet too late, technically my vacation isn’t over yet. Enough blabbing already!

I think I just lost a friend because of an alleged rumor that I allegedly spread to our circle of friends. Too bad, I didn’t have the chance to explain myself. But worse part was she was quick to believe that I did it. I might did something sneaky behind her back, this wasn’t enough to be cut out of her life. I might have said something… but I had only written it here on my blog… blog that very few people from that circle know of…hmmm…something to think about… hmmm…who could that be? Hahaha… but you know what, I don’t care. I know to myself that I did not, I repeat, I did not spread such nonsense. My life isn’t that miserable to take pleasure from hurting other people, you know. I felt bad about this whole thing. But can I do? She already believes that I spread that rumor…rumor that I’m not sure what was about. For the sake argument, let’s say that I’m guilty…that actually did it… so?! Who am I to have the credibility to spread such a thing? Why would other believe me? More to that, why would she be affected by such a crap?!

Several weeks ago, I was happy. I was fine. Then this ex of mine came back to my life said the words that he knew I wanted to hear. I put my guard down for awhile, then in snap, I’m in heartbroken phase again. It’s like I spent a year trying to get over him, I succeeded and celebrated my success by talking to him again! Wow! A part of me knew that talking to him was a bad idea… and being chummy with him was the worse. Now here I am, clueless what we are… trying to busy myself with work…occupying myself with lots of thoughts… entertaining myself with movies…still, he is getting the best of me. This is why I don’t like relationships… that for the meantime I’ve been trying to avoid romantic entanglement…I don’t like complications. I don’t like to be placed in situation that I don’t know where I stand. I hate the feeling that maybe I being lied to. Above all, I don’t like what kind of person I can become when I’m involved with someone. I’m a rational person, but I can be unreasonable when it comes to this…even crazy sometimes! That is why I decided to stay away from romantic entanglement…for the meantime. And this means, cutting off my communication with ex. This isn’t healthy. I want to move on, so that’s what I’m going to do!

diary entry 34: us, racist?

As usual, our officemates who have nothing else to do with their time but to watch our every move — took their pleasure from pestering us yet again. The other day, the three of us (me and 2 pinay officemates— I’ll call them Officemate 1 and Officemate 2) were invited to our boss’ office to discuss the complaints of our other officemates about us being racists. That’s right, racist! But prior to that closed-room meeting, we already knew was it about. A week before that, Officemate 1 received an email (she was just a C.C recipient, it was really intended for our boss) from an elderly officemate complaining about Officemate 2’s racist behavior. Bad as it is, our code name for this elderly officemates is Majonda. We’re not ageist, okay?! We just call her that way because she’s an old lady acting like a teenager which really annoys us. Anyway, about the email… It said that the panatiks community are ‘disgusted’ with Officemate 2’s racist behavior and comments. That she often covers her nose in the office every time a panatik is around, even inside office bus, and keeps on shouting “bad smell! Bad smell!”.  Majonda also included that Officemate 2 insists on closing the door of our room because of the bad smell coming from the pantry, which she found very insulting. But we found this rather funny because as I said, Majonda is like a teenager, everything or anything is a big deal for her. She said she’s speaking on behalf of her fellow citizen in the office. What a load of crap! We’re pretty sure that she was just speaking for herself. Besides, Majonda and Officemate 2 have been clashing each other long before I joined the company. Majonda has a track record of being melodramatic and making a big fuss out of trivial matters.   So we’re pretty convinced that this is just one of her silly fetishes.

 

Even our boss, was not even totally serious while speaking with us about this matter. Perhaps as respect to Majonda who has been here for almost a decade now, he decided to talk to us. He just said ‘some’ panakatiks were complaining, and think we’re being racist. He advised us to be ‘sensitive’ since we’re working in a diverse cultural place. I bit my tongue so hard, it almost bled. I wanted to say something but decided not to. We, insensitive?! Really now!

 

One of the things I learned is when to speak up and when to shut my mouth. This was one of those times I need to shut up. So we just sat still, pretended to listen intently and nodded.

 

After that meeting, 3 of us had a good laugh. hahaha. We didn’t take it seriously. So we moved on and went back to our work.

 

But Majonda didn’t back off. Every time she went to our room to use the copier or fax machine, she made sure her presence was felt by slamming the door, banging things on the table, stamping her feet loudly while murmuring something under her breath. So mature, right? hahaha. That didn’t stop there, the next day, she let her sign every employee a memo about being ‘sensitive’ with one another’s culture. And that same day, a male panatik co-worker who came from vacation brought some delicacies from his country to be distributed to everyone in the office. This so mature Majonda, told the office boy not to give us any food. First of all, it wasn’t her call to do that primarily because the delicacies didn’t belong to her. Second of all, that was so unethical. She was taking it too personally. Mind you, this Majonda is a 53-year old lady…she is the HR/office administrator who is supposed to mediate when conflicts happen. But no, but instead she’s the person who’d surely provoke such things.

 

Since we work in multicultural environment, simple misunderstandings typically lead to quarrels. We’re full aware of that. When there are cultural differences, language barrier is also there. Language barrier causes miscommunication. As far as we, Pinays are concerned, we always leave room for benefit of the doubt. Meaning, if we didn’t like something or offended by someone in the office, we consider that maybe we just misinterpreted things.  We don’t jump into conclusion and hurriedly complain. If it isn’t a big deal, we shrugged it off. They complained that when we see panatiks eating in the pantry, we instantly leave. The pantry is really small. It’s gonna be overcrowded if we stay. What’s the big deal about that? We cover our noses, when we’re inside the office bus. Bus is a compound place. It’s our body. We choose what kind of air we inhale. Anong magagawa namen kung may hindi magandang amoy talaga dun?! It’s really dizzying and nauseating. About us, not mingling with them outside the work, this is our life, we choose whom with socialize with. It’s our frickin’ right! As a long as we do our jobs well, and we talk to them at work, that’s enough I think. Which of the things we do can be classified as being racist?!

confusion part 2

I feel what I feel. I won’t apologize for it. I’m confused about a lot of things.

I’ve wanted to go home so bad that it became an unacknowledged obsession of mine. For several weeks, I’ve been in a confused state of mind. The thought of going home doesn’t appeal to me as much as before. Don’t get me wrong, I still do want to go home and I still get homesick. As a matter of fact I feel more homesick than ever. If the symptom of losing your appetite is excluded, I think I’m depressed.

I’m dying to go home but reluctant to actually do so. Things that didn’t matter before, now do.  Questions that used to have answers now don’t.   What am I going to do once home… can I really give up my tax-free monthly salary…how about the chance to afford things which I couldn’t before…how about my monthly remittance to my mom…can I stand commuting through public transportation again…in this time of recession is it really wise to quit my job… things used to be inconsequential in my eyes, suddenly grew to big concerns. I don’t know. The sad truth is I’ve stayed here long enough that I got ­somehow accustomed to the lifestyle… that it became my comfort zone. I call it my comfort zone not because I’m so at ease with this kind of life but because I’m so used to it that I no longer know a different way of life apart from it. I’m not belying my past statements, I still think that OFW life is hard.  It can be physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting. Lifestyle is sort of a habit, you know. Habit is something you do repeatedly. When you do something repeatedly you get used to it, even attached. And when you’re attached to something, it becomes a part you. Letting go of something which is a part of you is never easy. The buttom line is, I want to go home but worried about what kind of life awaits me. I’m so worried to an extent of I’m tempted to linger for awhile. But I suppose if I stayed longer, I would grow more accustomed with it that I get more scared to leave as time goes on. The longer I stay the scarier I get, in short. I don’t know. Maybe I don’t want to go home just yet. I’m not sure. But that I don’t want to stay here…and that’s for sure.

happiness with fear

   Having the things you want so badly can be scary sometimes. You look forward to the passing of time because as days go on, you come closer and closer to getting it. But when that thing at long last arrives, together with your delight, you feel a strange twinge of fear. You ask yourself why you feel this way. You can’t seem to find the answer. You just know you’re happy but at the same time anxious.  How can something that you expected to give you solely joy bring such an amount of anxiety too? Maybe that’s the way it really goes. When you want something so bad and once you have it, it scares the heck out of you. It could be that the fear you feel is  caused by  responsibilities you foresee your dream entails… or maybe, just maybe what scares you is the realization that what you thought you wanted all this time is not in reality you wanted. You know how mind plays tricks on us, human.  It could be as complex as that. But it could be basic too… maybe the happiness from getting what you want is always enclosed with the fear of losing it…

diary entry 32: decision…decision

I couldn’t feel more relieved. My distress and suffering at work will finally end tomorrow. My officemate who is on vacation will come to the office on Thursday. Yehey! I can’t believe it, it’s been a month! There are so many significant events happened in the past weeks, I wasn’t able to log them here because of busyness. I attempted to slide blogging in my hectic schedule but words seemed to let me down every time I tried to write. I had lots of thought but I couldn’t put them to words.  So I’m hoping my words will be on my side my this time and help me convey my thoughts. Let me just begin with this recent event…

 

25^th of April, for the first time in my life I won from a raffle. My friend and I attended a seminar at Cambridge International College. Before the seminar began, they announced that there would be a raffle among the attendees, and the prize… a scholarship! We got so thrilled. My friend and I hoped against hope that one of us win! I was breathing prayers for the entire seminar. And indeed, my prayers were answered and the answer was more than I hoped. Both of us won! I can’t even express how happy I actually was when they announced my name! My friend had won in from several raffles before (one of those was a plane ticket! lucky, eh?), so I thought maybe ladyluck is fond of her, and there’s fat chance of her winning. But as for me, a person who had been unlucky in any kinds of game of chance before, I really felt that I was not going to win.  So when I did, I was so happy! I won myself a half scholarship at Cambridge Business School, while my friend won for herself an 80% scholarship on any English short courses. Our happiness was cut short when I thoroughly read the letter they handed us for the scholarship. It stated that offer is only valid on the 30^th of April. We can take the classes anytime we want but we have to register before the end of the month. Even if the scholarships were already discounted, Cambridge is still Cambridge, the tuition fees are still expensive.  So I started computing my expenses in my head. It would mean tightening my belt harder but I could afford it, though. But my friend is currently having some financial issues lately so she decided not to take it. Since business school would take me a year to finish and classes are in the morning…plus the fact that I wasn’t so willing to stay here for another year to study something that I didn’t want that much, she offered hers to me. I’m planning to put up my own business, but I don’t want to spend a year studying something remotely close to the field I really want. Besides, it would be more convenient for me if I took any English courses instead, because they go on for just 12 weeks and classes are at night…and tuition fee is far less expensive! After the seminar, I checked out the available class schedules. I looked for a schedule that would fit my office hours. But ladyluck seemed playing games on me. Unfortunately, nothing fit my schedule. This was the same problem I encountered when I was trying to apply for a new job. My workplace is too far from the civilization.  It would take me an hour and a half to go the place that I needed to. I don’t want to further explicate the contradicting schedules of my work and those classes. The bottom line is my office timing doesn’t permit to go to school at the evening. I can’t transport myself from one place to another in a snap. I wish could, though. It took me five days to come up with this decision. I kept asking God for wisdom. I was racking my brains out. I changed my mind every minute… But no matter how many times I sliced and diced things, they were still the same. It was heart wrenching for me not to take such a great opportunity. It was a potential life changing matter. Having a business degree or English proficiency certificate from a prestigious school like Cambridge could open doors for me. Losing such a great chance for a job that I don’t even like was beyond heartbreaking. Maybe someday I’d regret that I didn’t fight nail and tooth for this, maybe someday I’d realize that I made a huge mistake…I don’t know. I’m so sure again. But I made my decision… I just have to stand by it.

 

LOST IN INTERPRETATION

I have been assessing myself if I tend to read so much into things.  We all have our own interpretations of the world. We tell ourselves what things mean and what to do about them. So I’ve been asking myself if things what I deem wrong are in reality wrong or I just interpret them wrongly.

For instance, my officemates’ appeal for me the stay could be a sign of genuine friendship that I might have just gotten wrongly and interpreted as a capricious demand. But perhaps in truth, they just simply wanted me to stay that they overlooked the inappropriateness in it.

During my sophomore year in college, my psychology professor repeatedly said in the entire semester the line: Only you can hurt you. (Of course except in physical way) That statement could mean a lot, but in my interpretation is that words are mere words, and it’s us who place meaning to them. Somebody could tell us one thing but we could receive it as another. It’s really a matter of how we take in things. What we do about them lies on how interpret them. The way we respond to them depends on how we understand them.  So if we’re hurt by people (or by circumstances) it’s only because we allow them. We are responsible for our own pains because we let them creep in.

With all this, should I therefore conclude that I’m the one who hurt myself? I offered help… to the same loved one I’ve mentioned on my previous entries. In that person response said that, she appreciated my gesture but she felt that (our) another loved one will mind if she accepted my help. She said that, that another loved one wouldn’t like it if I’d help her. In my mind, why on earth would she think that? I was taken aback because she was pertaining to loved one who has been nothing but kind to us. I was just trying to help, but for some twisted reason she didn’t want to accept it because she thought another loved one won’t like it.  So I told her that it’s not good to think that way of our loved ones, and she went ballistic. She got so mad at me for reproaching her. And of course she used her forte… she said harsh words again… accusing me of judging her and all. For crying out loud, I was just trying to help! How can a person so far hurt someone closely? So now I’m thinking…am to blame for hurting this way? Or maybe, just maybe we both misinterpreted each other? I don’t know

The redundancy of the usage of loved one/s is intended.