what i gained from my sacrifice

At the beginning, I couldn’t stand staying home and doing nothing. I’ve been itching to back to work a day after my vacation officially started. I had nothing to do at home and besides I couldn’t get my pending work off my mind. As I pondered the thought of going back to work, I realized that it was so sad. I didn’t even like my job, as a matter of fact there were times that I hated it, yet there I was aching to go resume to it.  So I occupied myself with things and thoughts… that was when I started to be in an emotional havoc. Doing nothing can lead a person to thinking…reflecting…realizing…

I thought of my life here…reflected on it…realized that I’ve grown in a lot of ways. I can better handle my thoughts now…I can discipline my emotions now. The adage that: no one can hurt you without your permission, is more of a mantra to me. It doesn’t only apply to people, but also to circumstances. I realized I don’t give myself enough credit for the things I’ve endured at a young age. I used to resent the fact that I came here too young that I wasn’t able to enjoy my youth.  I just turned 21 when I set foot in UAE. I was just 21 when I bore a parent-like responsibilities. For a time my life was all about work and remittances. While my peers enjoy their lives…going on gimmicks with friends, going out of town with family, spending holidays with their loved ones, there I was working my butt off for the job that I hated to make money that wasn’t even for me. I was far from enjoying myself. I felt that I sacrificed a lot. My dreams…my youth…my life! I even cut off my relationship with my then boyfriend so that I could focus on my priorities. So I had to bear those pain for something that I didn’t choose…something I gained nothing personally . But a part of me knew that even it was difficult, it was the right thing. Never did I think that I would arrive to this phase in my life that I’m thankful for having been through all of them. I honestly don’t regret anything. Yes, I used to be angry over the sacrifices I made. But I realized that sacrifice is a part of life. We all make sacrifices at some point. Small sacrifices such as a working mom who sleeps late but wakes up early to prepare the meal of her family; or husband who is obsessed with sport channel handing over the remote to his wife. It can be big sacrifices such as son donating one of his kidneys to his ailing father; or a mother who works abroad leaving her husband and 3 children including an 8-month old baby behind so that they could have a better life. We all make sacrifies some of us may not even aware that we do, but we all do.  Some refute it, some embrace it. Some resent it, some take pride in it. It’s just a matter of how we look at it. We can be angry over it as long as we want to or we can just accept that it is a fact of life and learn from it. We might lose something important when we sacrifice but we also gain precious life lesson from it.

diary entry 37: back to work!

I can’t believe I’m back here at the office. I can’t believe my leave is over. It isn’t over, really. I decided to cut it short because I need cash. Well, who doesn’t? Truth be told, I regret coming back early. I’ve described my office as a not so friendly working environment where employees use yelling as the best way to put across their messages. My work itself doesn’t make me tired, what exhausts me is the people around me. I can hardly remember a time when I came home that I wasn’t tired. If there’s one thing I gained from this is that my guts have been sharpened. If you’re meek in a place like this, people will eat you alive. So you better learn to stand up for yourself. You don’t let others push you around! They yell at you, you yell back! And you should make your voice a lot louder than theirs. hahaha. Well, actually it depends on the situation. When I was new here, I used to yell back when being yelled at. But as time went on, it became exhausting…draining. Eventually, I realized that their attitude at work is their problem, not mine.  There are diplomatic ways to say what you want, and if you don’t know that, that’s your problem. The way the act in the office speaks a lot about them…their upbringing…their manners… their characters…their lives…  And sometimes even when I’m right, it’s useless to argue with people like that. Even if I explain 24/7 it’s futile. They will never get my point, anyway. So I weigh things. If the argument is a matter of life and death, and it will cost me my job, I would definitely speak up. But if it’s just of one their petty issues that they’re only making a big fuss about, I shrug it off. I think that they are the way they are …because they’re sad people living miserable lives.  hahaha. Bad! Look, people who are happy don’t get easily get heated…unless there is something to be real angry about. Happy people don’t yell all the time. They don’t waste their time fuming over trivial matters…So therefore I’m sure that my co-workers are sad people! hahaha. Their attitude at work is somehow a reflection of their personal lives. They vent their anger at any chance they get. Since they spend most their time here, they anger are redirect their anger to the people around them. Tsk. tsk. tsk. So what I’m trying to say is I should’ve come earlier at work! DARN! But I do need the money, DARN AGAIN!

drama queen attacks!

Last night I cried myself to sleep. I cried and cried till my eyes were exhausted and finally shut. I just let myself cry for I haven’t cried for months. The strangest thing was I didn’t really have a reason for those tears. I’ve been a little upset but too upset to cry like that.  Before my leave started, I promised myself that I would spend my time writing down my thoughts. Clearly, I broke that promise. I’ve only pulled myself together on the last day of my leave. I’m such a procrastinator! But it’s not yet too late, technically my vacation isn’t over yet. Enough blabbing already!

I think I just lost a friend because of an alleged rumor that I allegedly spread to our circle of friends. Too bad, I didn’t have the chance to explain myself. But worse part was she was quick to believe that I did it. I might did something sneaky behind her back, this wasn’t enough to be cut out of her life. I might have said something… but I had only written it here on my blog… blog that very few people from that circle know of…hmmm…something to think about… hmmm…who could that be? Hahaha… but you know what, I don’t care. I know to myself that I did not, I repeat, I did not spread such nonsense. My life isn’t that miserable to take pleasure from hurting other people, you know. I felt bad about this whole thing. But can I do? She already believes that I spread that rumor…rumor that I’m not sure what was about. For the sake argument, let’s say that I’m guilty…that actually did it… so?! Who am I to have the credibility to spread such a thing? Why would other believe me? More to that, why would she be affected by such a crap?!

Several weeks ago, I was happy. I was fine. Then this ex of mine came back to my life said the words that he knew I wanted to hear. I put my guard down for awhile, then in snap, I’m in heartbroken phase again. It’s like I spent a year trying to get over him, I succeeded and celebrated my success by talking to him again! Wow! A part of me knew that talking to him was a bad idea… and being chummy with him was the worse. Now here I am, clueless what we are… trying to busy myself with work…occupying myself with lots of thoughts… entertaining myself with movies…still, he is getting the best of me. This is why I don’t like relationships… that for the meantime I’ve been trying to avoid romantic entanglement…I don’t like complications. I don’t like to be placed in situation that I don’t know where I stand. I hate the feeling that maybe I being lied to. Above all, I don’t like what kind of person I can become when I’m involved with someone. I’m a rational person, but I can be unreasonable when it comes to this…even crazy sometimes! That is why I decided to stay away from romantic entanglement…for the meantime. And this means, cutting off my communication with ex. This isn’t healthy. I want to move on, so that’s what I’m going to do!