confusion part 2

I feel what I feel. I won’t apologize for it. I’m confused about a lot of things.

I’ve wanted to go home so bad that it became an unacknowledged obsession of mine. For several weeks, I’ve been in a confused state of mind. The thought of going home doesn’t appeal to me as much as before. Don’t get me wrong, I still do want to go home and I still get homesick. As a matter of fact I feel more homesick than ever. If the symptom of losing your appetite is excluded, I think I’m depressed.

I’m dying to go home but reluctant to actually do so. Things that didn’t matter before, now do.  Questions that used to have answers now don’t.   What am I going to do once home… can I really give up my tax-free monthly salary…how about the chance to afford things which I couldn’t before…how about my monthly remittance to my mom…can I stand commuting through public transportation again…in this time of recession is it really wise to quit my job… things used to be inconsequential in my eyes, suddenly grew to big concerns. I don’t know. The sad truth is I’ve stayed here long enough that I got ­somehow accustomed to the lifestyle… that it became my comfort zone. I call it my comfort zone not because I’m so at ease with this kind of life but because I’m so used to it that I no longer know a different way of life apart from it. I’m not belying my past statements, I still think that OFW life is hard.  It can be physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting. Lifestyle is sort of a habit, you know. Habit is something you do repeatedly. When you do something repeatedly you get used to it, even attached. And when you’re attached to something, it becomes a part you. Letting go of something which is a part of you is never easy. The buttom line is, I want to go home but worried about what kind of life awaits me. I’m so worried to an extent of I’m tempted to linger for awhile. But I suppose if I stayed longer, I would grow more accustomed with it that I get more scared to leave as time goes on. The longer I stay the scarier I get, in short. I don’t know. Maybe I don’t want to go home just yet. I’m not sure. But that I don’t want to stay here…and that’s for sure.

confusion part 1

I feel what I feel. I won’t apologize for it.

The moment I learned that he was in the hospital I wanted to know that instant if he was okay. (This the ex is the one that I’m not in speaking terms with) I wanted to call, text or email him. It took great deal to stop myself from doing so. It surprised to realized how much I still cared for him all this time, but what surprised me more is the realization of how much I didn’t want him to know about it. It was not out of pride from who contacted who first. It was just I thought that there was no good that could come from contacting him and letting him know that I was worried. I got so worried that his thoughts seeped in my subconscious. I dreamed about him for a couple of days. It felt a bit strange that for nearly a year that I almost didn’t think of him, then with this kind of news stirred me in a snap.  I was really confused.  I composed a text message for an hour just to erased it in a minute.  I had a gut feeling that texting wasn’t good idea.  I didn’t really know what to do. I was worried sick. I solicited advices from my friends, some said go, some said no. But I stood by my decision before to stay away from him…That I would never try keep in touch him. After all,  we’re not friends and never were. I doubt if we’ll ever be. There’s no point of contacting him. Besides, a few days after, I hear that he was out of the hospital, doing fine and recuperating already. That was all I needed to know.

happiness with fear

   Having the things you want so badly can be scary sometimes. You look forward to the passing of time because as days go on, you come closer and closer to getting it. But when that thing at long last arrives, together with your delight, you feel a strange twinge of fear. You ask yourself why you feel this way. You can’t seem to find the answer. You just know you’re happy but at the same time anxious.  How can something that you expected to give you solely joy bring such an amount of anxiety too? Maybe that’s the way it really goes. When you want something so bad and once you have it, it scares the heck out of you. It could be that the fear you feel is  caused by  responsibilities you foresee your dream entails… or maybe, just maybe what scares you is the realization that what you thought you wanted all this time is not in reality you wanted. You know how mind plays tricks on us, human.  It could be as complex as that. But it could be basic too… maybe the happiness from getting what you want is always enclosed with the fear of losing it…

diary entry 32: decision…decision

I couldn’t feel more relieved. My distress and suffering at work will finally end tomorrow. My officemate who is on vacation will come to the office on Thursday. Yehey! I can’t believe it, it’s been a month! There are so many significant events happened in the past weeks, I wasn’t able to log them here because of busyness. I attempted to slide blogging in my hectic schedule but words seemed to let me down every time I tried to write. I had lots of thought but I couldn’t put them to words.  So I’m hoping my words will be on my side my this time and help me convey my thoughts. Let me just begin with this recent event…

 

25^th of April, for the first time in my life I won from a raffle. My friend and I attended a seminar at Cambridge International College. Before the seminar began, they announced that there would be a raffle among the attendees, and the prize… a scholarship! We got so thrilled. My friend and I hoped against hope that one of us win! I was breathing prayers for the entire seminar. And indeed, my prayers were answered and the answer was more than I hoped. Both of us won! I can’t even express how happy I actually was when they announced my name! My friend had won in from several raffles before (one of those was a plane ticket! lucky, eh?), so I thought maybe ladyluck is fond of her, and there’s fat chance of her winning. But as for me, a person who had been unlucky in any kinds of game of chance before, I really felt that I was not going to win.  So when I did, I was so happy! I won myself a half scholarship at Cambridge Business School, while my friend won for herself an 80% scholarship on any English short courses. Our happiness was cut short when I thoroughly read the letter they handed us for the scholarship. It stated that offer is only valid on the 30^th of April. We can take the classes anytime we want but we have to register before the end of the month. Even if the scholarships were already discounted, Cambridge is still Cambridge, the tuition fees are still expensive.  So I started computing my expenses in my head. It would mean tightening my belt harder but I could afford it, though. But my friend is currently having some financial issues lately so she decided not to take it. Since business school would take me a year to finish and classes are in the morning…plus the fact that I wasn’t so willing to stay here for another year to study something that I didn’t want that much, she offered hers to me. I’m planning to put up my own business, but I don’t want to spend a year studying something remotely close to the field I really want. Besides, it would be more convenient for me if I took any English courses instead, because they go on for just 12 weeks and classes are at night…and tuition fee is far less expensive! After the seminar, I checked out the available class schedules. I looked for a schedule that would fit my office hours. But ladyluck seemed playing games on me. Unfortunately, nothing fit my schedule. This was the same problem I encountered when I was trying to apply for a new job. My workplace is too far from the civilization.  It would take me an hour and a half to go the place that I needed to. I don’t want to further explicate the contradicting schedules of my work and those classes. The bottom line is my office timing doesn’t permit to go to school at the evening. I can’t transport myself from one place to another in a snap. I wish could, though. It took me five days to come up with this decision. I kept asking God for wisdom. I was racking my brains out. I changed my mind every minute… But no matter how many times I sliced and diced things, they were still the same. It was heart wrenching for me not to take such a great opportunity. It was a potential life changing matter. Having a business degree or English proficiency certificate from a prestigious school like Cambridge could open doors for me. Losing such a great chance for a job that I don’t even like was beyond heartbreaking. Maybe someday I’d regret that I didn’t fight nail and tooth for this, maybe someday I’d realize that I made a huge mistake…I don’t know. I’m so sure again. But I made my decision… I just have to stand by it.