wowowee age

I read an article from a Philippine newspaper’s website; that the government announced a P5-billion aid program for the poor as a solution to the food crisis in the country. According to the article, the program would give allowance of up to P1,400 monthly to the poorest families in the 20 poorest provinces… Truly, we are now living in a noontime show age! Numbers of Pinoys have a wowowee kind of mentality… that is a sad truth. Sadder truth, it seems that some of our leaders have this way of thinking too.

Several years back, I heard a preacher said “if you want to help someone, don’t give him a fish everyday, but instead teach him how to fish.” This based on a Chinese proverb which is; “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.” This adage etched on my mind.. and since then, I try to apply its principle each time I deal with people who are in need. Its principle is also the reason why I’m not fond of noontime shows nor do I think they help the poor as they claim.

To prevent the poor from hunger… As an answer to food crisis… P5-biillion aid program?! Where did the government get this idea? From Willie Revillame?!

Just like noontime shows, this kind of thing promotes laziness and teaches people to be dependent instead of self-reliant. They will get a monthly stipend without exerting a muscle. Instead of helping the poor, this just makes them paralyze, unable to do things for themselves and just waiting to be spoon-fed. Also, with cash, there is the temptation to use it for other things—for liquor, or gambling. The people is the prime capital of a country, they say. How can people be an asset if they can’t even stand on their own feet? Instead of an asset, they become a burden to the country.

In my humble opinion, the government should provide employment rather monthly allowance. Instead of spending money on this program that have a momentary effect, why not spend it on something that have a long term (good) effect that can probably benefit us all…say, education? Rather consuming their time thinking of a program to alleviate poverty instantly, why not think of an agriculture program that can rehabilitate the irrigation which can increase rice production, and eventually resolve the food crisis?

diary entry 7

04/25/08

Church day. I arrived there early again. had lunch at home. Went to Dragon Mall with my officemates. I didn’t buy anything. They said I had such good sense of control… hehe… maybe…but nothing caught my attention at the mall that was why I didn’t buy anything. In the evening, I called a friend. We ate dinner at KFC. Afterwards, she bought me a new cell phone…she didn’t really buy it for me…I used her credit card because I had to. Well, I won’t use it yet… until I have money to pay for it… Before I slept, I went online. I was able to chat with him again. But I cut our conversation when he told me that he missed me. I didn’t want him to get too comfortable with me again.

04/26/08

As usual, I just stayed home. As usual, we had a little argument again. Good thing, I was chatting with a friend online while we were having an argument… my friend kept me calm… There wasn’t any loud talk… just the usual, she’s-right-and-I’m-wrong kind of conversation. But of course, there was the usual shed of unseen tears happened…I felt so pressured… I felt that they expect me to give more than I’m capable of! I sometimes wonder, when will I ever be good enough? What else do I have to do?

We went to the grocery in the evening… I accidentally the dropped my old cellphone…after so many months of having it without dropping or scratching it! now… argh! the loud speaker isn’t working…it’s not ringing… but I can hear music through headset, though…hehe…maybe I should use my new one…but I will have this fixed first…

04/27/08

I wasn’t in a good mood. Everyone and anything seemed to irritate me easily. The Chikadoro succeed again in annoying us again! He moved to another house… well we don’t care about that…heck, he can move to Timbuktu if he wants to! For all we care! Our problem is that his relocation of home means to us… taking different route… a route which will take us more time to get home…a route that leads to terrible, terrible traffic! Worse is, he hasn’t changed. He is still the cause of delay, being the one who makes us wait everyday…and be the one who causes us to go out of our way! The reason we get to go home so late! Argh!

regret

A surge of regret swarms me. All of a sudden, I feel like that I made a huge mistake. But it’s too late to take it back now. Changing my mind is no longer an option. I can’t return to the past and reverse my actions. I was reluctant. I was unsure. I was doubtful. Despite of all, I still went ahead. I made a decision. Now, I somehow regret it. I shouldn’t feel this way… I should be thrilled. My heart should be leaping for exhilaration. I should be snowed under gladness. Ironically, I feel that my heart crawled up my throat. I’m scared, not thrilled. My inside is quivering with anxiety, not for exhilaration. I’m overwhelmed with worries, not with gladness. What’s the matter with me? Why do not I feel any ounce of pleasure?

read and write

I love reading and writing. 

 

Reading preserves my sanity.

 

Writing brings me healing.

 

“The greatest gift,” says Elizabeth Hardwick, “is a passion for reading. It is cheap, it consoles, it distracts, it excites, it gives you knowledge of the world and experience of a wide kind. It is a moral illumination.”  I’m thankful to be bestowed such a gift. Aside from the benefit of gaining knowledge, it also gives me different perspective. It continuously develops my senses.  It stimulates my mind It widens my understanding of things. It creates a vast horizon for me to cross. It transports me from dimension to another. It nourishes my imagination. It calms my soul. Above all, reading temporarily stops me from nursing unwanted thoughts and emotions…thus, sustaining  my sobriety.

 

“There are two types of writers: those who make you think and those who make you dream” says Brian Aldiss. I dream to be both. And I think I have a long way to go to be even considered as a writer. At the moment, I’m content to be a blogger. Through blogging, I can liberate myself. I can well express emotions. I can convey my thoughts. That is more than enough for me. It prevents me from wallowing in anxiety. Instead of giving in to anger that will result to sinning, I write.

 

diary entry 6

 

04/13/08

 

I waited the whole day for the right timing to talk to my boss about my vacation…but the right timing didn’t come… People endlessly kept coming in and out of his office. I went annoyed with myself because I should’ve spoken with him early in the morning when I had the chance… argh!

 

04/14/08

 

Early in the morning, I poured myself a mug of coffee…ate my croissant… and then I went to my boss’ office and talked to him. He accompanied to the accounts department… they said that they would pay the 60% of the price of my plane ticket… not bad. Now I should the decide to whether to go home or not

 

04/15/08

 

I spent the day mulling over if I would take my vacation or not…the accounts department had not told me the exact amount that they would give me for the ticket

 

04/16/08

 

They informed about the exact amount they would give. It was not the amount that I was expecting — it was higher than I thought actually…

 

04/17/08

 

After how many months, we finally talked. It was just a casual how have you been kind of talk.

04/18/08

 

First Friday without Coach Jane at the church. In the afternoon, we went to my nephew’s birthday celebration. Videoke marathon as usual.

04/19/08

 

I was able to get my ATM card… and my embossed name was still ‘GRACLEE’…I was also able to withdraw my remaining cash… yehey! No more maintaining balance!

 

I drew all my options for going home… I’ve been wanting to go home badly…and that what scares me the most…I may dread coming back here…I don’t want that to happen because I have so much things to settle here… and if I go home… my plans will be delayed…my stay here will be prolonged… if I don’t… hmm… I don’t know… it will be my grandfather’s 80^th birthday… I want to be there for him… I really don’t know…

 

 

 

newsflash

My thoughts…

Ever since I worked abroad, I’ve become a news buff… When I was still a student I watched the news because I had to… But now, I watch the news because I want to… I now derive pleasure from it. Since I left the country, I’ve been keener about what’s happening back home. Not just I, but many other pinoy here suddenly became more conscious about current events. Perhaps the reason for this ardency for news is the ‘homesick’ factor… Watching the news or any particular show from Pinas somehow alleviates our homesickness. It gives us the feeling that home is just within our reach. It also has the power to delusion us to feel that we’re actually just at home… But lately, watching the news has become [more] draining. Hearing about food crisis, rampant corruption, unending rallies, heinous crimes, and etcetera can be so exhausting and disheartening. Sometimes, the more I watch it, the less excited I feel [to come home]. But I try to tell myself not to believe in it too much. News programs [media] are gatekeepers. They have the ability to alter or exaggerate things.

I honestly don’t know if this is a good thing or not; when you read news papers here in UAE, you will hardly see bad news, nakakapanibago. If there are any, they would focus on the bright side of it. For example, the recent accident of almost 200 cars on Sheik Zayed Road, at the boundary of Dubai and Abu Dhabi, they put more attention on how they cleared the roads within few hours and how many people were saved. Also in the fire that happened in Al Quos last month, where a Pilipino died. They focused on how fast the firemen and ambulance came to the rescue. I hear stories from Pinoys who’s been here for quite a long time; they say that UAE is so powerful that they can tamper news. They say that Dubai may be a fast growing city but it’s still young… and it can’t afford to have negative impression to them from other countries, so they focus on good news that sometimes it comprises that real news. Hmm…I really don’t know if it’s true or just a mere speculation.

On the other hand, I wonder if the news back home is the truth or the half truth or exaggerated truth. Why do this? I have two theories… Pinoy have the tendency to make paawa to foreigners. We have a deep-rooted belief that when foreign people take pity on us, they would assist us, they would shower us with help… but what is in return? (I was a bit shocked when I saw GMA said in Hong Kong that ‘Filipinos are more pro-Americans than Americans’). Why wait for deliverance from foreigners? Another theory is yellow journalism. Maybe TV networks are after the ratings that they overlook other things. They exaggerate the news to get viewers’ attention. Well, I don’t know…these are mere theories of mine.

Even if the news were true, still I tell myself not to feel hopeless no matter how shocking the news may be… Because once sense of hopelessness takes over, apathy will surely come next. I just thought… people always long desperately to come home when they are abroad. The only thing is what they are coming home to.

diary entry 5

04/10/08

Since my officemate was hospitalized the other day, she didn’t come to the office the next day. So, I did all her work, which most of it, I was so clueless about. In the evening, on my home, my friend from the office called me on my cell phone gleefully told that she checked her account and saw that she had her bonus. Since I’ve been with the company for less than 2 yrs, I told her that I was sure that I didn’t have bonus, and besides, I checked my balance over the phone during lunch break and there was none to check… she said that she did the same, but in her surprise she had a bonus. She convinced me to just to check, after all, I had nothing to lose. So I did try. There was no queue at the ATM booth, there was only one person. I fell in line. I was the next person in line. But there was this pana who fell made his new line opposite from where I was standing. I’ve been using that booth for months now, and I was so certain that I was the one who’s waiting in the right lane. So, right after the first person was done with his transaction, I immediately rush to the machine. I inserted my card, and when I was just about to enter my pin, the machine shut down! I was a bit shocked and annoyed. And the usi pana repeated inquisition: ‘what happened, my firend?” didn’t help at all, but added up to my annoyance… The screen went blank to black. Panic surged through my veins. Then I felt a spark of hope when there was light again on the screen.. only to say ‘window’s is shutting down. Please wait’. haha… I waited for it to reboot. But when it did, it read ‘Please insert you card”… I was like, how could I do that if it captured mine! Then this epal pana, said let him try. He did. And then, weirdly it accepted his card and able to withdraw his cash and got his card back! I was annoyed. Since my house is nearby bank’s street, I went to my bank’s office, (It was already closed, but it has phone booths for their customer) to use their phone to call their hotline. I told the customer representative what happened and asked him block my card. He said they would just replace it with a new one which I can claim after 3 working days… (my name in my previous card read as: Myda Gracelee, I hope they would change it too…hehe) I’ll just wait till then…

so much for ‘I had nothing to lose’

04/11/08

Ptra. Jane announced after her message that she was leaving for the Philippines the next day. I knew that she was leaving one of these days, but I wasn’t aware that it was that soon. She said that she’d be back if God allows her to… I felt sad, but I know that it is God’s will for her to go back. She did her fair share of helping each one of us in her own way. All the things she said to me when we spoke are etched in my heart. I’ll use them as inspiration to not be afraid, keep my faith and move forward.

04/12/08

Was I being sensitive or was she just being the opposite? A person told me that I don’t look good on a particular type of clothing which I’ve been wearing for years… I’ve been comfortable with it… It is simple, I feel that I look clean and presentable whenever I wear them…and I honestly think that I never looked bad on it… I got really offended… Not with what she said, but how she said it… I kept quiet the almost the whole day. And she didn’t apologize to me knowing that she saw how my face changed from smiling to almost crying. The truth is, I really didn’t get that offended with her remarks. I know how I look. No matter what people say, I know I’m not ugly (I’m not beautiful either)! What upset me more was the fact that she didn’t apologize or take what she said back. But after a few hours, with the help of shopping (groceries), I was okay again. I didn’t make a big of deal out of it. I realized at the course of my shopping, that she is really like that. What she said, had not something with me, but with her perception of things…So, I just started talking her again.

 

men’s magazine

My Thoughts…

Just recently, I saw on the news that the most famous “men’s magazine” in the face of the planet reached the Philippines. As a Christian… as a woman… as a feminist… I can’t help to react violently on this. The leading men’s magazine (FHM) in the country has the largest circulation which is 67%. (That is according to Summit’s website). Surely Playboy will thump that vast circulation. And that can’t be good. I’m not rooting for FHM, just to clarify. It’s disturbing enough to have that kind of magazine in a (only) Christian nation in Asia. Then, Playboy enters the scene… the more explicit, more graphic magazine that will capture the men’s attention and wallets!

First of all, these kinds of magazine don’t care who purchases and reads their magazine. They don’t care if the readers are adults or minors. They don’t care about the possibility that they can pollute innocent minds. All they care about that their profits.

They distort women’s image. They present women as toys. Such things insinuate that women are mere objects of desire. They portray women as a piece of meat. They give men the wrong notion that women are to be fantasized not respected; be used instead of loved. They exploit women! They mislead women in the wrong thinking hat it’s pleasurable to be fantasized by men… that it’s good to be a sex object… They inculcate to women’s mind that they are created to fulfill men’s fantasies! Talk about deceit!

I’m well aware of that these women aren’t forced to do this; and that what makes it more disheartening. It is sometimes understandable why some men disrespect women (It is not excusable just understandable, ok?!). How can a woman expect men to respect her if she herself doesn’t respect own self? Clichéd, but true: Respect is something earned.

I just don’t understand why a woman would use her body. A woman shouldn’t capitalize on her body; instead she should have respect for herself, cultivate her intelligence and talent, improve herself, and know her worth.

Recount 4

04/04/08

I slept late the night before because I cooked their lunch for the next day. The meat needed to be tenderized well that was why it took that long. Good thing, I was able to wake up early. I was able to go to church early…so early I had the chance to sit at the front. There were three not-so-good things happened to me that day. Church ended later than usual. Buses’ schedule is irregular during Fridays, so I waited too long for the bus. But before that, on my way to the bus station… hmm… a bird pooped on my head…well not exactly on my head…thank goodness! On my umbrella! I felt how it splat on my umbrella. I couldn’t fold my umbrella because poop was all over it. eeew! So I decided to take a cab… but I waited for 1 and a half hours but no sign of cab or bus. Just when I was about to die from dehydration, a jam-packed bus arrived. It was almost 3pm and I haven’t eaten breakfast yet. I was so hungry. I wanted to go home badly, but I dropped by to the ATM booth to withdraw my salary. In my shock, there was a deduction in my salary. I thought that it could be due auto debit for my credit card, but that was impossible because I didn’t use it. So, I just went home perplexed, annoyed and sweating like a pig!

04/05/08

I just stayed home as always. I spent my day thinking if I should take my vacation or not. I need to decide soon. I wish things are that easy…but there aren’t … there so many things that I should take in consideration. I think of the unnecessary expenses that can prolong my stay here… that can delay my plans. I don’t know! I really want to take a break. I need a rest! But I also fear that once I set foot on my homeland, I would not want to come back here again… that can’t be! I need to go back… but what if I would not want to? Ayayay…

04/06/08

I called my bank early in the morning to verify what was the deduction for. They informed me that it was due to my account’s maintaining balance of DHS 1,000! I told the customer rep. that my account is a payroll account and it shouldn’t have a maintaining balance. They informed me that my company has an agreement with them… I was so infuriated. I called the accounts people, complained about it. They said that they didn’t know about it… later that afternoon, it turned out that I wasn’t the only one. Apparently there were numerous people who experienced it. My friend at the office told me that her salary has been like that for a year now. She didn’t bother telling the accounts people because she thought that they couldn’t do anything about it, so why bother… Well, me, I’d bother, I’ll nag them to do something about it. I won’t stop until they settle this!

04/07/08

It amazed me how I do not regret anything I did to this person. Technically I didn’t do anything wrong… but I knew to myself that what I did was not right… nonetheless…it wasn’t wrong… I’m contradicting myself again…hehe… I knew I hurt this person. I also knew to myself that I didn’t do it on purpose. Still, I felt so guilty for a while. But then I came to a realization that I shouldn’t feel that way… I realized that I deserved much better than that. Even if the result of my decision did not go well. I don’t regret a thing… I don’t even consider it as a mistake. The truth is, I see it as one of the best things ever happened to me. Every time I talk to this person I get to be reminded how great my decision was.

Also that day…

A girl friend told me that she heard that he got promoted. I was very glad to learn that. I know how he wanted and worked hard for that. I really wish I can tell him how happy I am for him…

04/08/08

The account department hasn’t figured out what to do with the maintaining balance problem… What boiled my blood was that they keep on insisting that they didn’t know anything about it. That’s absolutely crap! This has been going on for a year to some employees…how could they not know about it?! Since ATM machine doesn’t give out cash below 50… it automatically means that DHS 100 is taken away from us every month! This isn’t just about money. This is about justice! Argh!

TODAY

When I woke up I saw a missed call from my lolo in the Philippines. I was baffled and a little worried. I tried calling him when I got to the office but he wasn’t answering his phone. I hoped there is no problem or nothing bad happened…that he just accidentally dialed my number… but I tried calling him again while I was writing this… it turned out that he had a problem with the bank. He said he owes the bank PHP200K and if he will not be able to pay the bank in due time, it will take possession of his properties…The properties that he worked so hard for years… I told my lolo the truth, that even if I wanted to, I couldn’t help him. He understood and we just went on with our conversation. I felt really, really awful. I love my lolo… He is old… At his age, he shouldn’t be going through that kind of crisis anymore.

I feel bad because I can’t do anything to help him…even if I want to, I cannot do anything. I’m somehow angry at my relatives, that up to this point, that all of them are married and have kids, they’re still depending on my lolo. For pit’s sake! My lolo is almost 80! My lolo told me that he has been doing all he could to save his property so that when he leaves us, something will remain with us… because he knows my other relatives…my cousins…including my father have nowhere else to go. It rips me up inside! I pity my lolo…but I can’t help to blame him…because he tolerated these people to lean on him… He helped them so much in a way that he taught them to rely on him forever… he helped them so much that they didn’t learn to stand on their own feet.

I don’t want this to happen to me…

While I was typing this…something happened here at the office… (yeah, that’s right! I’m writing my blog entries here at the office)… She collapsed. But early this morning we’re doing our daily talk about what’s going on here at work. She was so appalled about the shabby treatments to her/us. She said, which I totally agreed, that our boss has been so unfair to us. With all the pressure from her family back home, stress from work, annoyance with our officemates, the debts in the bank, loan, credit cards, she finally had it…she had breakdown. She felt that her chest tightened. She could hardly breathe. Every panicked because she was shivering…since none of us knew anything about fist aids… We called an ambulance. While we’re waiting for it, we tried calming her… In my shock, the very cause of her breakdown, went close to her, held her hands tightly and stroked her hair. She even rubbed her back and chest. I knew how much she hated her. Since she couldn’t move she couldn’t do anything about it. But my goodness, in my head, I really wanted to shout and tell her to take her hands off my friend! I was so disgusted by her hypocritical act. There were many people watching, our boss was there, and there she came, acting like a caring mother to her. We all know she is a backbiter. We all know what she’s been doing behind our backs. I really don’t want this to happen to me… foremost, to be held by someone I detest! And then of course, I don’t want to just breakdown like that. She’s been keeping it all inside her…all the pressures, problems and stress. She once told me that I reminded her of her young self. Someone who is so preoccupied with family matters…someone who is leaned on by people, someone who gives and gives, and doesn’t complain…someone who says she is fine but in reality, she is not. Surely, I don’t want to breakdown one of these days. But above anything else, I never want someone who backbites me touch even the tip of my fingers!

diary entry 3

Again, again…

Every time my sister and I argue, my instant impulse is to take the earliest flight back home. Hehe… I know… I know… it’s bad. But I’m just being honest with what I feel. I do love my sister of course. I’m sure she loves me too. She’s a good ate. She took care of me when we were kids (she still does). Now we’re older, we consider each other as friends. She seems to be a grumpy person…maybe she really is, but not to her family. Like any other siblings; she has good sides…and of course bad sides too! She can be so unreasonable sometimes. She is frank…brutally frank… She’ll say whatever she wants to say. It’s a known fact to all of us who know her na masakit sya magsalita. She knows and admits that. She can be cruelly harsh when she’s angry. And I don’t appreciate her choice of words… Some of my close friends think (so does my ate) that, I’m patient when it comes to dealing with people…I really don’t think that I am, though… Pero para s’ken kung kayang pag pasensyahan, sige lang. But when I had it…I really had it!

The main reason why left was them (my mama and ate… My father didn’t want me to leave)… Even though I didn’t want to; I still went ahead because of them. I considered that my sister had been alone here long enough and she could use my companion. Shempre, pinagbigyan ko lang talaga sila. At the very least I won’t have regrets for not trying someday. Now that I’m here…I kinda don’t like it here…hehe… the reason why I’m staying here in spite of the fact that I’m on the verge of having an emotional breakdown anytime, is her. Yes, I still have things settle here, but I can settle them even if I’m in the Philippines. I do have an option to go home and just settle them there. It may take much longer of course, but the fact remains that I can pay them even if I’m already back home. I can still even support my mom. Mahirap shempre, pero pwede. Even if I have that option, I’m still not choosing it, because I know my sister needs me (not just in financial aspect but in others too). I can be more at help if I’m here… Choosing to stay here isn’t easy. There were prices I paid for staying here. It cost me heartbreak and frustration. There were a lot of things I needed to give up. I needed to set aside important things in MY life, including my dreams. I don’t need a round of applause for all of my efforts, much less to be put on pedestal… Appreciation is enough. Hindi ako nanunumbat. I believe in my heart that they do appreciate me. I believe that a sacrifice made for your family is never wasted. Hardships experienced for (or with) your family is always worth it. I love my family so much. Basta kaya ko, gagawin ko. I’m only human, and I’m entitled to having doubts… Sometimes I doubt if all was really worth it. Sometimes I doubt if I made the right decision…because sometimes she says things that make me feel not needed…she has her way of making me feel that I haven’t done anything good for our family… and that makes want to leave at any chance I’ll get. Why stay in a place that you don’t want to be? Why stay with someone who doesn’t need and appreciate you?