I can’t believe I’m back here at the office. I can’t believe my leave is over. It isn’t over, really. I decided to cut it short because I need cash. Well, who doesn’t? Truth be told, I regret coming back early. I’ve described my office as a not so friendly working environment where employees use yelling as the best way to put across their messages. My work itself doesn’t make me tired, what exhausts me is the people around me. I can hardly remember a time when I came home that I wasn’t tired. If there’s one thing I gained from this is that my guts have been sharpened. If you’re meek in a place like this, people will eat you alive. So you better learn to stand up for yourself. You don’t let others push you around! They yell at you, you yell back! And you should make your voice a lot louder than theirs. hahaha. Well, actually it depends on the situation. When I was new here, I used to yell back when being yelled at. But as time went on, it became exhausting…draining. Eventually, I realized that their attitude at work is their problem, not mine. There are diplomatic ways to say what you want, and if you don’t know that, that’s your problem. The way the act in the office speaks a lot about them…their upbringing…their manners… their characters…their lives… And sometimes even when I’m right, it’s useless to argue with people like that. Even if I explain 24/7 it’s futile. They will never get my point, anyway. So I weigh things. If the argument is a matter of life and death, and it will cost me my job, I would definitely speak up. But if it’s just of one their petty issues that they’re only making a big fuss about, I shrug it off. I think that they are the way they are …because they’re sad people living miserable lives. hahaha. Bad! Look, people who are happy don’t get easily get heated…unless there is something to be real angry about. Happy people don’t yell all the time. They don’t waste their time fuming over trivial matters…So therefore I’m sure that my co-workers are sad people! hahaha. Their attitude at work is somehow a reflection of their personal lives. They vent their anger at any chance they get. Since they spend most their time here, they anger are redirect their anger to the people around them. Tsk. tsk. tsk. So what I’m trying to say is I should’ve come earlier at work! DARN! But I do need the money, DARN AGAIN!
diary entry 34: us, racist?
As usual, our officemates who have nothing else to do with their time but to watch our every move — took their pleasure from pestering us yet again. The other day, the three of us (me and 2 pinay officemates— I’ll call them Officemate 1 and Officemate 2) were invited to our boss’ office to discuss the complaints of our other officemates about us being racists. That’s right, racist! But prior to that closed-room meeting, we already knew was it about. A week before that, Officemate 1 received an email (she was just a C.C recipient, it was really intended for our boss) from an elderly officemate complaining about Officemate 2’s racist behavior. Bad as it is, our code name for this elderly officemates is Majonda. We’re not ageist, okay?! We just call her that way because she’s an old lady acting like a teenager which really annoys us. Anyway, about the email… It said that the panatiks community are ‘disgusted’ with Officemate 2’s racist behavior and comments. That she often covers her nose in the office every time a panatik is around, even inside office bus, and keeps on shouting “bad smell! Bad smell!”. Majonda also included that Officemate 2 insists on closing the door of our room because of the bad smell coming from the pantry, which she found very insulting. But we found this rather funny because as I said, Majonda is like a teenager, everything or anything is a big deal for her. She said she’s speaking on behalf of her fellow citizen in the office. What a load of crap! We’re pretty sure that she was just speaking for herself. Besides, Majonda and Officemate 2 have been clashing each other long before I joined the company. Majonda has a track record of being melodramatic and making a big fuss out of trivial matters. So we’re pretty convinced that this is just one of her silly fetishes.
Even our boss, was not even totally serious while speaking with us about this matter. Perhaps as respect to Majonda who has been here for almost a decade now, he decided to talk to us. He just said ‘some’ panakatiks were complaining, and think we’re being racist. He advised us to be ‘sensitive’ since we’re working in a diverse cultural place. I bit my tongue so hard, it almost bled. I wanted to say something but decided not to. We, insensitive?! Really now!
One of the things I learned is when to speak up and when to shut my mouth. This was one of those times I need to shut up. So we just sat still, pretended to listen intently and nodded.
After that meeting, 3 of us had a good laugh. hahaha. We didn’t take it seriously. So we moved on and went back to our work.
But Majonda didn’t back off. Every time she went to our room to use the copier or fax machine, she made sure her presence was felt by slamming the door, banging things on the table, stamping her feet loudly while murmuring something under her breath. So mature, right? hahaha. That didn’t stop there, the next day, she let her sign every employee a memo about being ‘sensitive’ with one another’s culture. And that same day, a male panatik co-worker who came from vacation brought some delicacies from his country to be distributed to everyone in the office. This so mature Majonda, told the office boy not to give us any food. First of all, it wasn’t her call to do that primarily because the delicacies didn’t belong to her. Second of all, that was so unethical. She was taking it too personally. Mind you, this Majonda is a 53-year old lady…she is the HR/office administrator who is supposed to mediate when conflicts happen. But no, but instead she’s the person who’d surely provoke such things.
Since we work in multicultural environment, simple misunderstandings typically lead to quarrels. We’re full aware of that. When there are cultural differences, language barrier is also there. Language barrier causes miscommunication. As far as we, Pinays are concerned, we always leave room for benefit of the doubt. Meaning, if we didn’t like something or offended by someone in the office, we consider that maybe we just misinterpreted things. We don’t jump into conclusion and hurriedly complain. If it isn’t a big deal, we shrugged it off. They complained that when we see panatiks eating in the pantry, we instantly leave. The pantry is really small. It’s gonna be overcrowded if we stay. What’s the big deal about that? We cover our noses, when we’re inside the office bus. Bus is a compound place. It’s our body. We choose what kind of air we inhale. Anong magagawa namen kung may hindi magandang amoy talaga dun?! It’s really dizzying and nauseating. About us, not mingling with them outside the work, this is our life, we choose whom with socialize with. It’s our frickin’ right! As a long as we do our jobs well, and we talk to them at work, that’s enough I think. Which of the things we do can be classified as being racist?!
diary entry 33: nothing’s new
My crush got fired. He received his one month notice for termination yesterday. It wasn’t because of the recession…he hadn’t been laid off. He was fired by our boss. Why wouldn’t he be? He was such a slacker. He was frequently absent and often late whenever he had an impulse to come here at the office. He didn’t wait for the month to finish. The moment he received his termination letter, he immediately stormed out of the office. What a brat! Ha ha ha. Too bad, I would no longer see that hottie brat. I didn’t like him that much, anyway. Ha ha ha.
So, nothing much happened in life. No surprise to that. Ha ha ha. But of course, there’s always something to learn everyday if I’m just sensitive and receptive enough.
diary entry 32: decision…decision
I couldn’t feel more relieved. My distress and suffering at work will finally end tomorrow. My officemate who is on vacation will come to the office on Thursday. Yehey! I can’t believe it, it’s been a month! There are so many significant events happened in the past weeks, I wasn’t able to log them here because of busyness. I attempted to slide blogging in my hectic schedule but words seemed to let me down every time I tried to write. I had lots of thought but I couldn’t put them to words. So I’m hoping my words will be on my side my this time and help me convey my thoughts. Let me just begin with this recent event…
25th of April, for the first time in my life I won from a raffle. My friend and I attended a seminar at Cambridge International College. Before the seminar began, they announced that there would be a raffle among the attendees, and the prize… a scholarship! We got so thrilled. My friend and I hoped against hope that one of us win! I was breathing prayers for the entire seminar. And indeed, my prayers were answered and the answer was more than I hoped. Both of us won! I can’t even express how happy I actually was when they announced my name! My friend had won in from several raffles before (one of those was a plane ticket! lucky, eh?), so I thought maybe ladyluck is fond of her, and there’s fat chance of her winning. But as for me, a person who had been unlucky in any kinds of game of chance before, I really felt that I was not going to win. So when I did, I was so happy! I won myself a half scholarship at Cambridge Business School, while my friend won for herself an 80% scholarship on any English short courses. Our happiness was cut short when I thoroughly read the letter they handed us for the scholarship. It stated that offer is only valid on the 30th of April. We can take the classes anytime we want but we have to register before the end of the month. Even if the scholarships were already discounted, Cambridge is still Cambridge, the tuition fees are still expensive. So I started computing my expenses in my head. It would mean tightening my belt harder but I could afford it, though. But my friend is currently having some financial issues lately so she decided not to take it. Since business school would take me a year to finish and classes are in the morning…plus the fact that I wasn’t so willing to stay here for another year to study something that I didn’t want that much, she offered hers to me. I’m planning to put up my own business, but I don’t want to spend a year studying something remotely close to the field I really want. Besides, it would be more convenient for me if I took any English courses instead, because they go on for just 12 weeks and classes are at night…and tuition fee is far less expensive! After the seminar, I checked out the available class schedules. I looked for a schedule that would fit my office hours. But ladyluck seemed playing games on me. Unfortunately, nothing fit my schedule. This was the same problem I encountered when I was trying to apply for a new job. My workplace is too far from the civilization. It would take me an hour and a half to go the place that I needed to. I don’t want to further explicate the contradicting schedules of my work and those classes. The bottom line is my office timing doesn’t permit to go to school at the evening. I can’t transport myself from one place to another in a snap. I wish could, though. It took me five days to come up with this decision. I kept asking God for wisdom. I was racking my brains out. I changed my mind every minute… But no matter how many times I sliced and diced things, they were still the same. It was heart wrenching for me not to take such a great opportunity. It was a potential life changing matter. Having a business degree or English proficiency certificate from a prestigious school like Cambridge could open doors for me. Losing such a great chance for a job that I don’t even like was beyond heartbreaking. Maybe someday I’d regret that I didn’t fight nail and tooth for this, maybe someday I’d realize that I made a huge mistake…I don’t know. I’m so sure again. But I made my decision… I just have to stand by it.
diary entry 31: bonus!!!
I wasn’t able to update my blog for days because I’ve been so busy at work…an officemate is on leave and I’m assigned to do her work alongside mine. One person plus a workload for two is equal to fatigue! When I come home, I’m too tired to do anything. I can hardly lift a finger due to exhaustion! Okay, okay…that is an exaggeration. But really, my day has always been packed. I can’t recall a day that I came home not tired. I have so much to do even during weekends. That is not actually a bad thing. Because my brain has been so filled up, it doesn’t have much time to think of some other things. But fortunately, I have a pretty light workload today. I finally have the luxury of time to write, so I’m seizing this day because for sure tomorrow would be hectic day again.
Generally speaking, I’m doing fine. God (as always) has been giving me constant strength to cope with my stressful life each day. Going to church and eating out on weekends are my only social life activities. Work has been tiring but tolerable. I still dislike my job, but am just trying to make the most of it. I just put myself on learning mode wherever I go. As far as my body is telling me, my health is okay. I have no enemies…or maybe none that I’m aware of. I continuously keep in touch with my loved ones to maintain good relationships with them. My civil status is still the same, and I prefer it to be that way for now. So all in all, I’m doing pretty well. But my issues with sister aren’t resolved yet. We are in speaking terms. We are not fighting but there is underlying issues between us…which I prefer not to further tackle.
I received good and bad news last week! The good news is I received a huge amount of bonus! Yehey! How much? My salary for 2 months not included my salary for this month! So in total, I received a 3-month salary! Yehey! BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE…The bad news is that there something terrible happened back home and they need my financial assistance… DARN! I thought I could finally buy a new laptop! It’s so strange. I had waited for this bonus since the end of the year ’08. After 4 months of anticipating, I finally saw it on my account… then just after a day of receiving it I got that bad news from home. DARN! But what else can I do? They need my help. Hmm… learning mode…learning mode…I’m on learning mode. For the life of me I need to know what to learn from this ironic situation!
diary entry 30: living alone
I think I’m doing better than expected. I’m not as sad as I thought I would. My life is normal as if nothing changed. I wake up and go about my typical day as usual. Everything is perfectly normal. I’m not sure… Maybe my brain just hasn’t processed what really happened.
My sister left last Thursday. And it was an exhausting day for me…I was mentally, emotionally and physically tired that day. I was even too tired to cry for my sister’s for good departure from UAE. I shed tears, of course. But not as much as she did or as much as expected…wanted. I can’t tell exactly how I felt that day. As a matter of fact, I can vaguely remember what I did after returning home alone from the airport. I only remember ridding a cab with her 35kg excess baggage with me…but aside from that, nothing.
It’s upsetting enough that my sister left, but the more upsetting part there is she left with ate bads. Unlike her, ate bads left only for a 2-week vacation. She’ll be back at the end of this month. However, I’m still left alone at the house. I’m not actually alone. Ate bads’ sister is with me. But she works during the night and we barely see each other. Besides, we don’t know each other well. She just started living with us last week. For me it’s just the same as being alone. Then again, this sadness is just transitory. I will get used to my new setup in no time.
The truth be told, I can handle living alone. I went through it before, and I can surely go through it again. I was younger then. I know my situation was different, more so easier. First off, I wasn’t in a foreign land. My lolo and pops lived in the same vicinity I was. It also helped that my other relatives were there. I had a boyfriend that time…(that didn’t help so much, though…haha) And of course, many of my friends were there. So although I was living by myself, it didn’t really feel like I was alone. And I would be lying if I say I didn’t enjoy my time alone then.
But now, I’m oceans away from home. I don’t have any close relatives nearby. I have relatives but they are in a different Emirate. I have only very few friends here. But I can manage myself. And I know God will always be with me wherever I go. Even though I’m 8hours far from my friends, I can feel still their presence. And another truth be told, I feel the need to be away for some time. Even though it’s a little hard, I should stay here for the meantime. As I said above, I can handle being alone. I don’t have a problem with that. But I have a problem with handling other things. A lot of nagging thoughts have been pestering me. I’ve tried to shrug them off but the have their way of creeping back in my mind and continue bothering my entire system.
Guilt, fear, and anger. Those are the things I’m having a hard time dealing with. I finally made a decision. I decided to protect my loved one. Either way, it’s a losing situation. No matter what I choose, I knew my guilt would hunt me. I can’t say I utterly threw away my principles. It wasn’t like that. I just became passive with the whole situation. It took so much of me to do that. Instead of standing on my grounds, I let things be. Now I’m left with my guilt pounding me. I know that choice will inevitably reap its repercussions. And that’s what I’m afraid of. I fear the unknown consequences of my action. It’s just a matter of time and it’ll surely fire back at me. In spite of all, my efforts are in vain. I’m still unappreciated. I’m angry because the person I tried to protect hurt me a lot of times and never apologized for any of those. I’d never hurt anyone on purpose, let alone any loved one. It just hurts to think that after all my efforts to make that person feel loved and looked after, that person still has the impudence to hurt me. I’m so angry. I know I need to forgive but don’t know how.
My guilt, fear and anger are telling me to stay here from the meantime. They convinced me that I need to distance myself for awhile. I can’t go home with so much baggage. I need time to be alone with God. I need to heal. I need to be restored. When I go back home, I leave everything behind and start a new life. While I’m not yet ready to let go, I will stay here…alone
diary entry 29: recession
I had a long weekend. There were so many things I needed to take in, chew and digest in just two days. First off, my sister was laid off. The solution to that problem is not as simple as her getting a new job. It’s needless to say that economy is worsening by the day. Finding jobs here is not that easy unlike before. Companies are shutting down left and right. In spite of that, I still think that she would eventually find a new job. However, I also think that it would take time before she does. No job, of course means no money. She worries about how she would pay her loans and credit cards. I don’t earn that much. I can only pay for her rent and food for the meantime. That’s our big problem now. The bigger is we had an argument a day after she was laid off. We exchanged harsh words and still not talking to each other to this day. I know this isn’t the right time for us not to talk to each other. We need to stick together to find ways to survive. I knew she was going through something and I should’ve just held my tongue as I always did. But I could take it no longer. It was like I exploded. I said something that she misconstrued as condescending. I didn’t regret saying it for it was the truth. I just felt so horrible for making her feel terrible because she misinterpreted what said…but I’m not sorry for what I said itself, though.
***
At the moment, I’m holding on to my faith and God’s promises. Surprisingly I’m handling things well. I’m not as downcast as used to be whenever problem strikes. I can even laugh and greet people with a sincere smile. Maybe I haven’t fully realized the gravity of our problem yet. Maybe I’ve just grown. I don’t know. I’m just praying hard and dealing with each problem at a time. I’m trying not to worry about what would happen to us if my sister wouldn’t find a job in 2-3 months. My mom doesn’t have a work, I’m pretty sure she’d be affected by this…my savings for my studies won’t be spared… so on and so forth. But I try to shrug those thoughts off. I don’t want to be overwhelmed such worries otherwise I’d fall apart. More than anytime, I should be strong now. With God’s help, I know I can endure this…again. I’ll just keep on holding on to the truth that God only gives me what I can bear.
diary entry 28: over the weekend
I have lots of realizations lately. Although I wanted to narrate all of them in the most poignant way I know how to, I just can’t. I’m just not in the frame of mind to do so. It’s due to my lack of sleep. I’m too sleepy to write. I’m so sleepy that I can’t even remember the events in the past few days that I’m supposed to recount today. But I’m having daily dose of coffee now and maybe caffeine could jog my memory a bit.
Weekend was torture for my sister. Rumor has it; there would be another batch of employees at the company to be laid off. She said that it was to be announced last Thursday but for some reason the owner decided to torture the employees by keeping them hanging, prolonging their anxiety till this week. I’m hoping and praying that my sister isn’t included in the new batch. I don’t want to be selfish but I know my plans of going home soon to take up my masters will be greatly affected. Worse comes to worst, I have to stand by sister. I have to be there for her. I have to support her in emotional aspect as well as the financial. But more than anything, I’m praying that God would give me strength to accept and handle whatever is going to come my way. As I told a friend, I’m more afraid of what reaction about the situation would be than
the situation itself.
***
It was my father’s birthday yesterday. I was able to speak with him. I have to admit, I missed him. Even though my pop is like that … (I can’t seem to put to words to his current lifestyle) I know he loves me (us) so much. He has always treated me like a baby…both in a good and bad ways. He pampered and protected in the best ways he could… And I feel being missed so much when talking to him. I just want to write this so that I’d remember missing my pop this much.
***
I’ve decided that I let myself to continue being swooned by crush. Even though we barely speak to each other at the office, I don’t mind. He makes my boring day a little exciting. His presence encourages me to fix myself to look like a lady again. Hahaha. And lately, we have been having our cursory how are yous. I’m so psyched! Hahaha… Just a bit embarrassed when he catches me stealing glances at him. But as the corny saying in tagalog goes : hindi ka nya mahuhuling nakatingin kung hindi ka rin nya tinitignan. Hahaha… by the way, I’m allowing myself to be delusional too. hahaha
***
I dreamt of a friend again, this friend is not same one I wrote about on my previous entry. That was a girl friend but this time was a guy friend. It’s very weird, more so awkward to narrate my dream about him. But for the sake of recounting I’d write it down. In my dream I told him I was in love with him, but made my self clear that I told him that just so he knew and wished not to get involved in his relationship with his girlfriend. That is very strange, because I never find him attractive, not because I don’t think he is, because he has been like a brother to me.
***
Most time I think about our business. I’m a bit agitated with what’s going on with the economy but I’m keeping my hopes up. But I’m really worried, though.
***
The thought of going to a study tour in Korea has been playing in my mind. I’m also praying for this. This is great opportunity for me to deepen my faith and strengthen my relationship with God. I also think this is the only time that I could afford to go to such a tour. Well. I don’t know… there is a lot to consider. I’ll keep praying about this.
***
About my realizations, maybe next time, I’m really not in the zone to recount those kind of things.
diary entry 27: i dreamt about a friend
The other night I dreamt of a friend. The setting of my dream was back home, present time. In my dream, she wanted to talk to me so she invited me to a dinner at a fancy restaurant. I ran a bit late because I had to buy something first. Anyhow, so I found my way to the resto, I came inside and looked for her, she waved her hands, I saw her, and sat down beside her. We ordered plenty of food. When the food arrived seconds later, I asked her what the occasion was. She told me that in inaudible voice that she got married. Instead of being happy for her, I got so upset. I was so upset that I cried. I went ballistic, actually! Sobbingly, I asked her why she did it, why she married that guy! She blatantly answered me that she loved him…and then I cried even more. Hahaha…but seriously, when I woke up, I was still upset. It felt so real. My subconscious was showing me one of my worst fears. I know my friend doesn’t intend to marry this guy…not yet, but she is confused whether she should be with him or not…again. I love my friends and naturally, I want them to be happy. I’m not the type of friend who tells my friends what they should or shouldn’t do with their lives…hmm…unless they ask me to! Hahaha… I mean, I don’t usually give unsolicited advices. But if I see my friends on the verge of committing the gravest mistake of their lives, that is when I intervene… However, this rarely happens. I’m far from being perfect. I myself have made handful of mistakes too. Since I don’t know the guy my friend thinks she’s in love with, I’m not qualified to judge him. On the other hand, I don’t have to get to know him to know that he isn’t good enough for her. She is such a loyal friend to her friends…a good daughter to her parents, a dependable sister to her siblings, a loving aunt to her nieces and nephews, hardworking employee… a decent lady, and above all, she is a child of God. She is a good person through and through. And I hope she sees that.
***
I spend the weekend with my aunt. She and her Swiss boyfriend were here for a business conference. They went to Manila for several days first and then here for several days too. It was her boyfriend’s birthday, so we went for a desert safari adventure. There were six of us, a Mexican lady and German man, apparently a couple and friends of theirs. It was fun spending the day with them. Desert safari wasn’t new to us, but still we enjoyed ourselves. But we felt a bit guilty because our aunt only invented me and my sister when she has other relatives here…relatives who hoped to see her. My aunt reasoned that it was her beau’s treat that’s why she wasn’t in the position to invite as many people as she pleased. Since we’re her closest relatives here she only asked us to come.
***
I’m trying to curtail my increasing attraction to crush. Last week, I barely looked at him. I made it to a point that I wouldn’t be where he would. And I angled my chair to a direction where I wouldn’t catch a single glance of him. I felt so sidetracked when he’s around. Why wouldn’t I be, he is distractingly good-looking with an interesting personality! But, I decided last week that I would no longer nurture this attraction. I’m not very successful, though. I had lasted a week without a fleeting look of him…but yesterday I indulged myself to a treat of smiling back at him…It felt amazing! But that was it. That would be the last time I let myself that indulgence. I can’t afford to be distracted, not even by a petty crush on someone. I hope this is the last time I would be writing about him.
diary entry 26: thy name
There hasn’t been any outcome from our prospective business. It’s been stagnant since the holidays. Expectedly so, we haven’t sent the business proposal to our investors. We’ve been quite busy lately. But our goal is to send it sooner before investors completely change their mind considering the economic meltdown and all. While I’m at that…I’m starting to get worried. With the recession going on, it’s common to be anxious about losing one’s job. But as for me, I don’t fear losing this job…for myself. As I always say that if I were only thinking of my sake, I would have resigned along time ago. But I’m somewhat agitated by its thought for my mom. I’m worried how this could affect her.
Apparently, I’m not the only one who fancies my crush. It turned out that, ladies from work are also mesmerized by his charm. That’s not surprising, though. Who would not be attracted to a tall young handsome blue eyed guy who is at the same time talented and intelligent? Oh well, there’s nothing else to write about him. We barely speak with each other nowadays. We haven’t really had an actual conversation before. But there was always an exchange of casual hellos and how are yous when we ran into each other at the pantry. And I remember a couple of months ago when he was just starting here, I was the one he frequently approached when he had a question or needed something. But now, not even a word. Lately, instead of directly coming up to me, he just relays his message for me to the officeboy. That’s fine, really. But when I’m just a few feet away and can audibly hear him, that’s a little odd. I’m thinking maybe he took offense from my comment weeks before. But that can’t be, as far as I know it’s not of their culture to make a big deal over trivial matters, let alone ‘rubbish’ comments. I don’t know…Perhaps he is just too lazy to stand up and approach me. Well in truth, it doesn’t matter to me if he talks to me or not. Workplace feels less hellish to me since he came. And I’m fine with simply seeing him around. Besides, I don’t have any intention to act on it. I’m careful on how I act around people from different race because I don’t only represent myself but also my country…I don’t want to add up to the number of pinoys here who tarnish the name of our already disreputable country. Moreover, my feet are on the ground, I know someone as breathtaking as he is wouldn’t notice an average girl like me. The possibility of that is as low as the chances of snowing in the Philippines. I’m like repeating lines from a romance novel again!
The live-in-girlfriend of my ex has been named. Weirdly enough, her name is what mother was supposed to give me. Anyway, in turned out, a friend of mine knows her. She gave a bit details about her. I didn’t bother to ask any further. I already knew what I have to know. At the beginning when another friend of mine first told me about it, I was a little doubtful. But now when it is already the two of them…I’m fully convinced that in deed he moved on rather quickly. I don’t have a problem with that. I myself have moved as well. But knowing that the person who professed to love you and wanted you to stay had moved on so fast after you left, raises a lot of questions…ah never mind! I just wish him well. It’s nice to know that I made the best decision after all.
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