the finale

I wish I had written this during the time when it was actually happening, but at that time I was too busy dealing with the situation rather than blogging about it.  My last month in Dubai was perhaps the toughest time of my stay there. It was life a finale in a soap opera. I had so much to do with so little time. I didn’t know where or even how to start. And if I didn’t act right away, things would get worse. I was overwhelmed. I was panicking. People tried to console me telling things would be okay. Many things happened. I was scared, angry and exhausted. I didn’t have much sleep during that time. My excitement was replaced by agitation. But all those are things of the past. I don’t want to elaborate. What matters is that I dealt with it and get through it…I overcame it.  Above all, I learned from it.

fake depression

 

In the past I’ve written about my depression without any reservation. I’ve freely narrated how I felt and why I thought I felt it. Elaborating my feelings has always given me liberation. It’s what keeps my sane. So after typing my thoughts, I felt a little at ease every time. Little did I know that someday I would be faking my depression…In my head it makes much sense but now I just typed it, it sounds a lot weirder…ridiculous even. I’m using depression as a façade. I want to appear depressed to avoid interrogation…I need a valid excuse to keep quiet… to look indifferent.  It’s a little pathetic actually.  But this is the only inoffensive way to protect myself…and this is the easiest way to prevent myself from offending others. Since I entered this office 5 hours ago, I’ve barely spoken a word. I just want to take a break from people’s grilling. The first time I mentioned my decision with definitive tone, they shot me a surprised look. For weeks now since I told them about it, I’ve been bombarded with lots of questions…questions that I actually do not have to answer in the first place. At first I tried to be tolerant of them…trying to understand where they’re coming from. At first I ventured a quick vague response, if they insist, I start giving a bit details for the sake of shutting them up. But their everyday questioning is starting to get to me. It started to get annoying.  But the questioning is followed by dissuading…which what really ticks me off. In an unnoticeable way they’re trying to convince that my decision isn’t such a good idea. They remind me of the possible repercussions of my actions…they endlessly supply one reason after another why I should back out. Also at first, I tried to defend my side without offending them… but how can I not offend them if one of the main reasons behind my decision is I don’t want to end up like them? They’re perhaps right that I’m about to take a big risk. They’re perhaps right that I may be making a mistake. I’m not an idiot, I may look like it but I’m not. I’m not delusional either. I’m completely attached to reality. I know how hard life gets. I know that…and it scares me. But what scares me most is the thought that chances will pass me by…opportunity to live my life the way I want it…the way I supposed to. The risk, the aftermath, the possible mistake, they all scare me. But my fear of them outweighs my fear of being stagnant…of not going anywhere. I’m more scared of what will happen to my life if I don’t take the plunge. The possible worst consequences are just a speck compared to the possible regrets that I might have to live with.

 

This questioning…this surprise look being thrown at me…this dissuading…all these don’t just come from them…but from lot of people, I know my decision isn’t a popular one. I know that road I tend to tread is a ‘road less traveled’. For having what I have and being where I am right now, it’s no surprise my decision rouses curiosity among people.  I know I don’t to have to explain my side to anyone. It’s just so grating that some people act as if I owe them an explanation. I don’t have to defend myself. I don’t feel the need to prove the sense behind my actions. I know I don’t have to listen to any of them because it won’t do me any good. But in such a way, their unsolicited opinion, discouragements, and the evident disapproval on their faces, weigh me down. Although whatever they say won’t affect my decision in any way, it still drains me…It stresses me out. I have so much going in my mind, it’s the last thing I need. So as my attempt to avoid an argument, I just keep quiet. I pretend to be depressed, sulking in despair, too sad to even talk. But I know this won’t last too long…I have to be back to my normal self. I might end up being really depressed afterwards if I don’t snap out of it immediately. All I need to do is to build an impenetrable wall inside my head so that they won’t get to me. I’ll just continue asking God for that kind of strength, though. As for those people, you know who you are…I appreciate your concern (if it’s really concern), but this is my life. At the end of the day, whatever I decide to do, it’s I and only I that will have to deal and live with it not you…so please back off!  

after the storm

Even after a week already passed, everything still appears surreal to me.  Since I was (still am) not there when this disaster happened and didn’t (still don’t) have TFC, I mainly relied on the internet for news and updates. I never thought social networking sites could not only be a ‘boredom-alleviator’ but also a good source of news and easiest/fastest way of communicating. To sum up all the news I collected from different sites; 80% of Mega Manila was submerged in flood, leaving millions of Pinoys in ‘world of mud’ (as Time Magazine puts it), and displacing thousands and killing hundreds of people.  Some call it as ‘great equalizer’ because it didn’t spare even rich who seem indestructible. Poor, rich, common people, celebrities, even politicians were affected by it. Although I wasn’t there and my family wasn’t actually affected by it, which I’m very thankful for by the way, still, I was anxious and distraught about the whole thing. One couldn’t see that kind of devastation and not feel a twinge of sympathy and anxiety. All the more I felt that way when I learned that some of my friends’ houses were flooded, some totally ravaged. This experience didn’t just leave some of them broke, but also traumatized.

 

I heard floodwater hasn’t subsided in some places even though more than a week has passed. As horrifying this whole scenario is; there are great lessons and realizations can be drawn from it. This serves a reminder of how we’ve been mistreating the environment…A wake up call so to speak. This horrendous event impels us to make conscious efforts to take care of the environment and save the planet.

 

This devastating typhoon brings out the heroes in us. Every pinoy I know here and back home wanted to help…and actually did help…ordinary people who are willing to do extraordinary things. The outpouring kindness and generosity pinoy exhibited inspired not only the nation, but the entire world.

 

 

And above all, it shows us that life is indeed fragile. It just proves how fleeting worldly possessions are. Everything can be gone in snap. Everything we have worked for can be figuratively and literally be washed away easily. It makes us realize on what really matters in life…and what matters most is life itself.

diary entry 35: the ex files

Exactly a week ago, my ex (who didn’t talk to me for a year) sent me a message to my YM from nowhere. It was so unexpected that I even asked him if he sent the message to the right window. hahaha. Apparently he did. He apologized for everything and told me he had many regrets. Because I was taken aback, my frequent responses were ‘ok’ and ‘no problem’. It had been a year, it was just normal not to vividly remember what exactly happened during that time. In short, I willingly accepted his apology. I told him to put everything to rest because it had been quite a long time.

 

So after we chatted, I jogged my memory and tried to remember everything transpired last year…As I went back to the past, and thread things piece by piece, my annoyance with him was awaken! hahaha. I wanted to take back my acceptance! hahaha. I got a little confused. Yes I happy that he remembered me…But a part of me felt wasn’t ready talk to him. I stayed away from YM for a couple of days. I thought it through…I realized that I had to talk to him to see what his real intentions were… so that we can settle this for once and for all…If he wanted to be my friend, I had to tell him that I couldn’t accept his friendship. I know exes can be friends… As I proudly tell people, my other is ex is still a close friend of mine. But with this one, we absolutely cannot be.

 

Over the weekend, we talked over voice chat. We talked for 5 hours, an accumulated 15 minutes was allotted for me to speak and the rest was his. hahaha. To sum it all up, he was sorry…he still loved me…he wanted another chance…I was honest with I felt that I still have feelings for him but not sure if there’s still a chance. I said, I’ll think and pray about it. For now, everything is under negotiation.

 

With all the things that I need to focus on, the last thing I need is a romantic entanglement. We’ve spoken several times since last week. I know you can really tell the sincerity of a person by mere email, voice chat or texts, but somehow I know he has been nothing but sincere about everything… The problem is me, I’m not sure. I want different things now. I’m completely different from the unsure 21 year girl whom he fell in love with. Like that version of me, I can be emotional and more so, insecure at times. But in some ways I’m different now. Through the years we’ve been a part, I got used to being on my own, not considering a significant other.  I don’t know…

diary entry 20: we don’t want this

 I hate it when I’m sick. When I’m sick I become triply sensitive than my normal self. My defenses are down and I’m at my most vulnerable state. I feel weak. And I can’t afford to be weak especially nowadays that I’m living on the edge – figuratively and literally speaking.

 

    There is a possibility that we would be evicted from our flat anytime this week… well, not just us actually, but all the people in the entire building. A government agency will do an inspection and if they see that the building is overcrowded, we can be all evicted, the building will be closed down and the owner will pay a 50K penalty. Some of my flatmates are starting to feel panicky, so are my sister and cousin. I’m also starting to feel that way too but one of us should or at the very least, pretend to remain calm. I’ve been doing quite a good job so far. But I can only go on for so long since my defenses are down. I’ve remained quiet but lots of questions have been playing on my mind…questions like where would we go in this short notice, how would we be able to relocate fast with so many stuff, would we find a good place, can we afford it,  and where would we get the money for 1 month advanced, 1 month deposit! With me feeling this weak, it’s gonna be hard for me to act cool. It’s just not fair. I don’t believe we’re doing anything wrong. The rent for an entire flat is staggeringly expensive. The cost of a year rent for a typical flat here is more than a million peso… we could buy a house in a subdivision with that amount! Since we can’t afford to rent the entire flat, we have no choice but to share it with other people…people that most of time, we don’t know but can surely pay rent. Of course, living with strangers is not always harmonious. We come home after a tiring day to a noisy, crowded, cramped place! In the morning we wake up early, go the bathroom to do our thing as fast as we could because we’re just allotted certain minutes and someone will use is next…And sometimes we have to go pee but we can’t because someone is using it.  We can’t even cook in the kitchen anytime we want because we must for our turn. And before putting food inside the ref, we have to label it with our names otherwise others would eat it! And almost all our activities are done inside our respective rooms. In spite of all, we still pay costly rent for a very small space!  I don’t wat to talk about how maddening that is… that’s not the topic here…All I’m trying to say is we don’t want this kind of lifestyle! We don’t have much freedom in our “homes”. Who wants to live with strangers? Who wants to live in a crowded place? We don’t choose this. We just have no other options. Don’t they know how difficult it is to live like this? Life abroad is hard. If only people back home knew the real living condition here, they probably wouldn’t be considering coming here.