realization 1: cause of my weekly migraine

I’ve been doing a research on how to cure my recurring migraine. According to the articles I’ve read that the primary causes of headache outside of a physical illness are: hormonal change, food, sensory stimuli, changes in sleep pattern, physical factors, medication, changes in environment, weather and psychological. According also to those articles, mostly its cause, prevention and cure all boils down to one factor, psychological. Cause, most likely can be psychological. Prevention, most likely can be psychological. And evidently, the cure, most likely can be psychological too. Upon reading them, they all made a lot of sense to me. My unbearable headache attacked consistently during and only on weekends for two years…years that I have stayed here, and been under a lot of stress. It was very strange because it seemed that my headache was following a schedule religiously. People around me said that my headache might be psychological. I’ve considered it but not really accepted it. It’s not because I was too egoistical to accept that I might have been suffering because of my own making, but because I couldn’t believe that was being controlled by my  mind instead of other way around. I couldn’t accept that my subconscious was dictating how I must feel. Because as far as I knew (or as far as I wanted to believe), I could handle my emotions and stress pretty well, but apparently my migraine said otherwise.

 

 

 I’ve had migraine even before I came here. But that only hit me once a month, during my monthly period only. When I came here, all throughout summer I’ve had experienced severe migraine during weekends. I thought that the cause of headache was the extreme heat of the summer. But when winter came and my migraine still paid me a visit, then I started to wonder.  But then again, I convinced myself that perhaps like the scorching heat of the summer, neither had I experienced such iciness of the winter. So, I thought the two extremely different weathers were the cause of my headache. So to speak, I blamed the weather so much that I overlooked other factors that might also cause it.

 

But a frequent headache alongside nausea and diarrhea was intolerable. I could no longer take it. I couldn’t be stressed at work on weekdays just to spend my weekend enduring such a pain. I went to a doctor, hmm… what she said was not exactly helpful, “migraine is common”. She prescribed medicines (but I guess those medicine were for colds), but I still did my research.

 

As I written above, mostly it’s psychological. I do think that it also might be caused my other factors, such as sensory stimuli (fishy smelling food makes me nauseous) or change of weather (heat of the sun contributes a lot), however I think it’s primarily all in my head. So I made a decision to give back the power to control my feelings to the rightful owner…me. I’ve avoided factors that trigger my migraine, but also I started to deal with emotions that I supposed to recognize. I’ve learned to compartmentalize. If I’m stressed at work, I’d leave it out at work. When I get fidgeted about the future, I refocus myself in the present. If I live my life well now, I can eventually have a good future.  When past hurt hunt me, I snap myself out of it. I tell myself that if allow myself to wallow in those pains I’d lose.  So far, so good. I don’t want to take the credit for my success to beat my migraine (or should I say myself), these won’t be possible with God’s help. I’ve asked to give me strength to combat with these things. Because that migraine was merely the result of my mishandled hurts, stress and anger. Those things aren’t easy to battle without the Almighty’s help.

wonderment, opinion, etc…

 

I resent the fact that I’m most ‘inspired’ to blog when angry or sad. My entries here are mostly about my rage and frustrations that they make me seem a self-absorbed person — which I’m not. The world doesn’t revolve around me and it never will. There are so many things I want to put across other than my rants. I’m curious enough to examine things. I care about what’s going around me. I have strong opinions on different global issues. Like the US economic slump which media narrowed down its cause into things such as cooperate greed, opaqueness, policy implementation failure, etc. But in my opinion its cause is plainly greed and other factors are merely results. If there was no greed, there would be transparency and success in implementing policies. Same with the problem in my country where people always blame the government for everything bad occurrence without realizing that the government only reflects who we are as citizens. Most Pinoys think that corruption is the cause of our problem, but I don’t think so. Nearly all Pinoys lack ‘sense of nation’, meaning we don’t love our country. We don’t see that corruption is merely a byproduct of not loving our country.

 

I rejoice when great people change history. I was way past joyful when first African-American Barack Obama won the US election.  I was overwhelmed when I watched his inauguration day. Although I think he didn’t deliver his speech as well as he did in the past, but it didn’t matter because his speech was so poignant that it brought tears in my eyes. Moreover, I get affected when terrible events happen. Malaria breakout and war in Gaza saddened, more so appalled me.

 

I’m not intelligent yet I’m smart enough to question the world around me. I question why some people make finding the ‘one’ their ultimate goal in life, thinking it could give them meaning. I wonder why people work their butt off all their lives only to enjoy what they earned on their retirement when they barely have the strength to do so. I don’t understand why parents have favoritism among their children considering these children all came from them anyway.  I wonder why people who have different belief system are deemed weird. I wonder why people with deep convictions or strong values are called old fashioned.

 

 I’m generally not a conformist. I want to tell unique stories to my grandchildren someday. I don’t want to be a typical overseas worker who left her country just for money. I try to be different even others criticize me. I would still pursue a career not financially profitable yet I deem rewarding. I try to defy norms that I don’t agree with. Women can be protector as men can be nurturer. I go against stereotypes. I believe that some women are interested in cars, and some men enjoy love stories.  I refuse to be pegged. People don’t get to tell me who I am or not. I’m a Filipino… I’m a child of God like everyone else on earth, I am no less than any nationality and have equal rights and claim.

 

I believe in God. I believe in heaven and hell. I believe that love is the reason I’m here. I believe that serving your purpose in life is the only way to find genuine happiness.

My obsession and holidays!

I’m in my best mood to write whenever anger or sadness envelops me. I mostly draw my urge to write from them. But (Luckily) I haven’t felt either of them lately so I don’t have a driving force to endlessly blab. In spite of that, I feel the need to write anything here regardless of what I feel…I owe myself an entry for my future reference especially now, it’s the holidays.

 

Just to clarify, I’m not in euphoria. I mean, I can’t say that I’m happy. Distracted is probably the appropriate word for it. Few things are keeping me from feeling those ‘feelings’… I should be happy about that, but one of the things that distract me is starting to grow into obsession. Well, I’m a naturally obsessive person. Although, I don’t exactly enjoy obsessing about something (because it’s very consuming for me)… I’m allowing myself to drown… I deluge myself with thoughts of my obsession. It’s not everyday that I feel passionate about something other than my frustrations…I don’t this can be a good thing…oh well, enough of this crap already! I’ll talk about my holidays…

I’ve spent 3 Christmases here straight in a row… if I were still like myself 2years ago, I would have wallowed in depression by now! Hahaha…But I knew better than that. God made me see what real Christmas is. Sounds cheesy, but true… Wryly enough, being away from my country, family — basically away from home taught me what Christmas is really all about. Of course, spending Christmas at home would be so lovely. But honestly speaking, it’s not that a big issue for me where to spend it, as long as God is with me.

ganon talaga

I think one of the gravest truths in life that needed to be grasped is that there are certain things that we can only do so much. There are things we can never change. There are things that we can never understand. There are things that we can never find. There are things are simply the way they are, period. In Filipino, ganon talaga. No matter how we slice and dice them, ganon talaga. As we grow old we realize that there are things out of our hands. And it takes an immense amount of maturity to accept that.  I think my point is better conveyed in Filipino… Minsan talaga may mga bagay na sadyang wala tayong magagawa eh. May mga katanungan tayo na wala talagang sagot…bakit? Kasi ganon talaga eh. Mahirap ipaliwanag kasi wala naman talagang paliwanag. Kahit sumigaw o mag-amok pa man tayo, may mga bagay talagang hindi naten kontrolado at mababago, at kailangan lang tanggapin kasi nga, ganon talaga. Mahirap maunawaan pero ganon talaga

getting what we want

It’s not having what you want —it’s wanting what you’ve got.” I heard this a thousand of times.  Is this the real answer to lifelong quest for happiness? Is this the key to a satisfied life? Not quite, researchers say. In a new study I’ve seen on the net, psychologists found that “happiness is both having what you want and wanting what you have”. I agree. As humans, wanting is innate. It’s in our nature to have something to yearn for. It’s the by product of God’s gift of free will –- freedom to choose, freedom to want. We want different things in life but the common denominator is we all want something. It can be as grand as ruling the whole world or as simple as collecting seashells. Even newly born babies want something, and they cry to get it. To want, to yearn, or to desire or whatever we call it is as natural as breathing.  So if we deny ourselves of having something we want and getting it, it’s like going against every grain of our nature.

 

I have always had doubts with “It’s not having what you want —it’s wanting what you got”. Sorry for those people who use this as their guiding principle… but what a crap! I do not think it’s possible. Maybe this adage was made in good faith. I mean maybe its real implication is to stop people from being insatiable and to find contentment for what we have… But if this statement is to be taken as it is, I see a huge error in its sentence structure. To me it translates as “stop wanting—stop dreaming, this is your life, deal with it!” How can a person live with that? It doesn’t make sense. What really makes sense to me is “it’s having what you want and wanting what you’ve got”. The operative word there is and. I think wanting something else than what we already have is not wrong. I think what dissatisfaction is. Getting what we want is essential to us. Pursuing our dreams, our purpose is what keeps us going, makes us move forward, and gives us the driving force to live life. It’s just a matter of knowing when to stop and learning to embrace what you’ve already got.

 

 I don’t recall great men and women in history became great by simply wanting whey got. Can you imagine if they did? There will no discoveries, invention, technology, science, philosophy, etc…there will be no history at all.  We would be just millions of Homo sapiens with no desire but to eat and procreate… We would be as good as dead. So is that happiness? Is that a satisfied life? That is not a life at all! And as a Christian, I believe that God intended us to be this way, to want, to dream… even salvation is free, but still we have to want it first – accept it first… but that’s all a different topic. All I’m trying to say is, it’s getting what want is like our fuel, it’s what keeps us going, it’s what makes us believe that there’s more to life. But then again, we must also learn to draw a line between wanting and lusting. And that there comes “happiness is both having what you want and wanting what you have”…because to be able to want what we have, we must first have what we want…

it’s all in the mind

 

When I was a lot younger, I once read on a book that the greatest battle you will ever encounter is with your own self. And as a kid who hadn’t read much quotation, that statement struck me to the core. haha. I deemed it as something so profound (Well, I actually still do). As a kid, I clearly understood what that statement meant. But not until I reached my 20’s when only I understood the weight of that statement carries.

 

This morning, during my quiet time I read that sometimes that pain we experience is self-induced pain.  But even before reading this, I have known for a long time that some people, my self included, go through unnecessary pain that we unknowingly inflict on our own selves. There are so many things beyond our control…Things that we can only do so much…Things we can never change. On the other hand, there are things that remain in our control… that is to say, our thoughts…our perception…

 

 It’s all in the mind, people say. I heard this as frequent as life’s hard. Darn! These sayings can’t get more clichéd, can they?  Haha. Anyway, going back… It’s all in the mind … this has been one of my mantras. When I feel like my mind’s playing trick on me…when I hear voices in my head telling me thing I don’t want to hear…I go and tell myself that it’s all in my head. Breathe in, breathe out.

 

When unexpected turn of horrible events happen, they are out of my control, but the way I deal with them is. When people say things, I can’t control their opinion nor can I make them shut up. But I always have the option to choose whom and which to ignore or listen to. It’s always about how I perceive things… it’s all in the mind. Just masters your thoughts and you will surely win your battle. (Sigh) I just hope doing this is as easy as plainly writing about it.

out loud

I just recently found out that one way of making yourself accept truths about your circumstances is to say it out loud. Sometimes it isn’t just about of knowing it, but also a matter of accepting and dealing with it. A lot of things have been going round and round inside my head that sometimes I feel that driving me nuts. My best antidote for this is to kick them on a lower level of my subconscious. There are things that you know are true, you don’t let yourself be aware that you know them because you fear that you’re not yet strong enough to deal with them. And if you face them while you’re weak, you know you’d fall apart. Instead of falling apart, you pretend for the meantime that they aren’t there while you gather strength. But they have their way of making their presence known no matter how many times I ignore them. Disregarding them doesn’t make the veracity of their existence less. They are there, they are real, they actually happened. What’s the sense of denying them? It just prolongs your agony. Today, tomorrow, next week… it’s gonna hurt just the same. And you’re not fooling anyone but your own self. So yesterday, when I was alone (of course), I told myself what I needed myself to hear. And it hurt because it felt like reality slapped me to wake me up from my delusion. I had no escape; it came from my own lips. I just had to accept it, deal with it, and live with it. It’s true what they say; truth hurts. But it also true what they say; truth will set you free.

22

        22 is my favorite age. I see it as my middle ground. Being 22 makes me feel as though I’m old enough to decide how to run my life and yet still young to be considerably understood when I screw up. I’m old enough to know what I want, but still young to be baffled and more so clueless on how to get it. I’m old enough to have my fair share of responsibilities but too young to be saddled with all of them.  I’m old enough to distinguish reality from make believe, and still young to get confused between them. In life, I’m old enough to gamble to have more but too young to settle for less. I’m old enough to fall in love but too young to fully give myself to someone. I’m old enough to chase after my dreams and certainly too young not to stand up every time I trip over. In a couple of days I’ll be turning 23 … I know I’m too young to be scared for turning just a year older…  But I figured that I’ll be also too old for some other things and that what frightens me.

recount

 

     Lots of things happened in a short period of time … I’ve been meaning to write about them here but I can’t get myself to do so…I can’t even sort my thoughts and put them into words. Maybe I just can’t believe I’m already here…

      Time fly so fast when you’re having… true, in deed. My one month vacation passed effortlessly. And now I’m back in Dubai, working my butt off. Just the other day I was walking on the noisy, polluted streets of manila while rain pouring heavily… And now… here I am, back at my office writing… 

>>>> <<<<

vacation

I havent bought myself a journal yet… too bad… there are so much to write. from the moment i hailed a cab to go the airport, conversation with the driver, then the experience in the airport, then in Singapore, then when i arrived, to this day that i finally saw him. It wasn’t so emotional as i thought it would be. it was like as if that we just haven’t seen each other for weeks… well, my vacation is so far so good… ill write when i have time…so much going on in my head right now…