In the past I’ve written about my depression without any reservation. I’ve freely narrated how I felt and why I thought I felt it. Elaborating my feelings has always given me liberation. It’s what keeps my sane. So after typing my thoughts, I felt a little at ease every time. Little did I know that someday I would be faking my depression…In my head it makes much sense but now I just typed it, it sounds a lot weirder…ridiculous even. I’m using depression as a façade. I want to appear depressed to avoid interrogation…I need a valid excuse to keep quiet… to look indifferent. It’s a little pathetic actually. But this is the only inoffensive way to protect myself…and this is the easiest way to prevent myself from offending others. Since I entered this office 5 hours ago, I’ve barely spoken a word. I just want to take a break from people’s grilling. The first time I mentioned my decision with definitive tone, they shot me a surprised look. For weeks now since I told them about it, I’ve been bombarded with lots of questions…questions that I actually do not have to answer in the first place. At first I tried to be tolerant of them…trying to understand where they’re coming from. At first I ventured a quick vague response, if they insist, I start giving a bit details for the sake of shutting them up. But their everyday questioning is starting to get to me. It started to get annoying. But the questioning is followed by dissuading…which what really ticks me off. In an unnoticeable way they’re trying to convince that my decision isn’t such a good idea. They remind me of the possible repercussions of my actions…they endlessly supply one reason after another why I should back out. Also at first, I tried to defend my side without offending them… but how can I not offend them if one of the main reasons behind my decision is I don’t want to end up like them? They’re perhaps right that I’m about to take a big risk. They’re perhaps right that I may be making a mistake. I’m not an idiot, I may look like it but I’m not. I’m not delusional either. I’m completely attached to reality. I know how hard life gets. I know that…and it scares me. But what scares me most is the thought that chances will pass me by…opportunity to live my life the way I want it…the way I supposed to. The risk, the aftermath, the possible mistake, they all scare me. But my fear of them outweighs my fear of being stagnant…of not going anywhere. I’m more scared of what will happen to my life if I don’t take the plunge. The possible worst consequences are just a speck compared to the possible regrets that I might have to live with.
This questioning…this surprise look being thrown at me…this dissuading…all these don’t just come from them…but from lot of people, I know my decision isn’t a popular one. I know that road I tend to tread is a ‘road less traveled’. For having what I have and being where I am right now, it’s no surprise my decision rouses curiosity among people. I know I don’t to have to explain my side to anyone. It’s just so grating that some people act as if I owe them an explanation. I don’t have to defend myself. I don’t feel the need to prove the sense behind my actions. I know I don’t have to listen to any of them because it won’t do me any good. But in such a way, their unsolicited opinion, discouragements, and the evident disapproval on their faces, weigh me down. Although whatever they say won’t affect my decision in any way, it still drains me…It stresses me out. I have so much going in my mind, it’s the last thing I need. So as my attempt to avoid an argument, I just keep quiet. I pretend to be depressed, sulking in despair, too sad to even talk. But I know this won’t last too long…I have to be back to my normal self. I might end up being really depressed afterwards if I don’t snap out of it immediately. All I need to do is to build an impenetrable wall inside my head so that they won’t get to me. I’ll just continue asking God for that kind of strength, though. As for those people, you know who you are…I appreciate your concern (if it’s really concern), but this is my life. At the end of the day, whatever I decide to do, it’s I and only I that will have to deal and live with it not you…so please back off!