refusing to be one of the casualties

I was unable to update my blog in the past couple of weeks because I was busy here at the office and too tired to type my thoughts when I got home. Also, there hasn’t been anything exceptional happened in my life. My social life has been on idle status for a long time. The highlight of my week is going to church. 10 Hours of sleep is what I only eagerly look forward on weekends. In a nutshell… activities, I have none. But insights I have plenty.

Some come slowly…subtly…but pierce deeply. Some come like an epiphany. Catching me off guard and shaking my preconceived mind setting in a snap. My social life may be presently inactive…but my eyes are not. Being in multicultural land gives me a privilege to see life in a unique way. I’m able to witness diverse ways of living of people from different cultures and beliefs…as well as my kababayans’ way of living which sometimes disheartens me but teaches me so many things…

The recent years have been the toughest…saddest times of my existence…Encountering one problem after another while having my own battle inside haven’t been easy. In spite of that, I feel privileged, blessed…Not only I’ve learned a lot from them, they also toughened me… taught me to stand on my own feet yet fully dependent on God’s Grace…independently dependent so to speak. I feel blessed to have learned things earlier in life.  At early years of my adult life, I have a sneak peek of how tough life could get…which taught me to be resilient…to find God in every situation. Because good or bad, there is always a blessing waiting to be recognized…good or bad, there is always something to learn…good or bad, God is always there, even those times that I feel otherwise.  All I’ve been through is perhaps just a preparation for a rougher ride ahead of me. If I can’t weather this, how can I survive tougher challenges?

 So I promised myself that I won’t be one of casualties… I won’t give up, I won’t quit dreaming, and I won’t live a life of mediocrity simply because I’m a child of God. There hasn’t been anything visibly exceptional happened in life, but I know God is knitting a good story out my life…A story that hopefully be a blessing to others.

drama queen attacks!

Last night I cried myself to sleep. I cried and cried till my eyes were exhausted and finally shut. I just let myself cry for I haven’t cried for months. The strangest thing was I didn’t really have a reason for those tears. I’ve been a little upset but too upset to cry like that.  Before my leave started, I promised myself that I would spend my time writing down my thoughts. Clearly, I broke that promise. I’ve only pulled myself together on the last day of my leave. I’m such a procrastinator! But it’s not yet too late, technically my vacation isn’t over yet. Enough blabbing already!

I think I just lost a friend because of an alleged rumor that I allegedly spread to our circle of friends. Too bad, I didn’t have the chance to explain myself. But worse part was she was quick to believe that I did it. I might did something sneaky behind her back, this wasn’t enough to be cut out of her life. I might have said something… but I had only written it here on my blog… blog that very few people from that circle know of…hmmm…something to think about… hmmm…who could that be? Hahaha… but you know what, I don’t care. I know to myself that I did not, I repeat, I did not spread such nonsense. My life isn’t that miserable to take pleasure from hurting other people, you know. I felt bad about this whole thing. But can I do? She already believes that I spread that rumor…rumor that I’m not sure what was about. For the sake argument, let’s say that I’m guilty…that actually did it… so?! Who am I to have the credibility to spread such a thing? Why would other believe me? More to that, why would she be affected by such a crap?!

Several weeks ago, I was happy. I was fine. Then this ex of mine came back to my life said the words that he knew I wanted to hear. I put my guard down for awhile, then in snap, I’m in heartbroken phase again. It’s like I spent a year trying to get over him, I succeeded and celebrated my success by talking to him again! Wow! A part of me knew that talking to him was a bad idea… and being chummy with him was the worse. Now here I am, clueless what we are… trying to busy myself with work…occupying myself with lots of thoughts… entertaining myself with movies…still, he is getting the best of me. This is why I don’t like relationships… that for the meantime I’ve been trying to avoid romantic entanglement…I don’t like complications. I don’t like to be placed in situation that I don’t know where I stand. I hate the feeling that maybe I being lied to. Above all, I don’t like what kind of person I can become when I’m involved with someone. I’m a rational person, but I can be unreasonable when it comes to this…even crazy sometimes! That is why I decided to stay away from romantic entanglement…for the meantime. And this means, cutting off my communication with ex. This isn’t healthy. I want to move on, so that’s what I’m going to do!

confusion part 2

I feel what I feel. I won’t apologize for it. I’m confused about a lot of things.

I’ve wanted to go home so bad that it became an unacknowledged obsession of mine. For several weeks, I’ve been in a confused state of mind. The thought of going home doesn’t appeal to me as much as before. Don’t get me wrong, I still do want to go home and I still get homesick. As a matter of fact I feel more homesick than ever. If the symptom of losing your appetite is excluded, I think I’m depressed.

I’m dying to go home but reluctant to actually do so. Things that didn’t matter before, now do.  Questions that used to have answers now don’t.   What am I going to do once home… can I really give up my tax-free monthly salary…how about the chance to afford things which I couldn’t before…how about my monthly remittance to my mom…can I stand commuting through public transportation again…in this time of recession is it really wise to quit my job… things used to be inconsequential in my eyes, suddenly grew to big concerns. I don’t know. The sad truth is I’ve stayed here long enough that I got ­somehow accustomed to the lifestyle… that it became my comfort zone. I call it my comfort zone not because I’m so at ease with this kind of life but because I’m so used to it that I no longer know a different way of life apart from it. I’m not belying my past statements, I still think that OFW life is hard.  It can be physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting. Lifestyle is sort of a habit, you know. Habit is something you do repeatedly. When you do something repeatedly you get used to it, even attached. And when you’re attached to something, it becomes a part you. Letting go of something which is a part of you is never easy. The buttom line is, I want to go home but worried about what kind of life awaits me. I’m so worried to an extent of I’m tempted to linger for awhile. But I suppose if I stayed longer, I would grow more accustomed with it that I get more scared to leave as time goes on. The longer I stay the scarier I get, in short. I don’t know. Maybe I don’t want to go home just yet. I’m not sure. But that I don’t want to stay here…and that’s for sure.

LOST IN INTERPRETATION

I have been assessing myself if I tend to read so much into things.  We all have our own interpretations of the world. We tell ourselves what things mean and what to do about them. So I’ve been asking myself if things what I deem wrong are in reality wrong or I just interpret them wrongly.

For instance, my officemates’ appeal for me the stay could be a sign of genuine friendship that I might have just gotten wrongly and interpreted as a capricious demand. But perhaps in truth, they just simply wanted me to stay that they overlooked the inappropriateness in it.

During my sophomore year in college, my psychology professor repeatedly said in the entire semester the line: Only you can hurt you. (Of course except in physical way) That statement could mean a lot, but in my interpretation is that words are mere words, and it’s us who place meaning to them. Somebody could tell us one thing but we could receive it as another. It’s really a matter of how we take in things. What we do about them lies on how interpret them. The way we respond to them depends on how we understand them.  So if we’re hurt by people (or by circumstances) it’s only because we allow them. We are responsible for our own pains because we let them creep in.

With all this, should I therefore conclude that I’m the one who hurt myself? I offered help… to the same loved one I’ve mentioned on my previous entries. In that person response said that, she appreciated my gesture but she felt that (our) another loved one will mind if she accepted my help. She said that, that another loved one wouldn’t like it if I’d help her. In my mind, why on earth would she think that? I was taken aback because she was pertaining to loved one who has been nothing but kind to us. I was just trying to help, but for some twisted reason she didn’t want to accept it because she thought another loved one won’t like it.  So I told her that it’s not good to think that way of our loved ones, and she went ballistic. She got so mad at me for reproaching her. And of course she used her forte… she said harsh words again… accusing me of judging her and all. For crying out loud, I was just trying to help! How can a person so far hurt someone closely? So now I’m thinking…am to blame for hurting this way? Or maybe, just maybe we both misinterpreted each other? I don’t know

The redundancy of the usage of loved one/s is intended.

mean girl

I’m generally not a mean a person (at the very least I don’t think so). I only pull out the mean girl in me when the situation calls for it. I make a conscious effort not to say or do cruel things to others. I save my biAtchness exclusively for blogging purposes. Like now, I’m about to write something harsh. I know I’ve written some harsh things before but they were about people I dislike…so I don’t actually consider them mean. But when I dish out awful things about the people I care about, that’s mean…or rather wicked. I hate to do this but I have to let this out.

After being alone for some time in a foreign land, it’s just normal to entertain thoughts of going home too. After all, it was my original plan but for some reason I have to postpone it. So one day, out of the blue, I blurted out to my friends (at the office) I was thinking of going home next month. They were a little surprised because it was a sudden decision. I explained that one of the foremost reasons I’ve been staying here is to accompany my sister. Now she’s left, I couldn’t t see the point of staying here (of course I can see the point, I just said that out of sadness). I know Friend A meant well, but her reaction unnerved me. She advised me to finish my contract (June 2010) after all it just a year and a half. According to her I must think of my gratuity, blah, blah. Friend B agreed. Friend A continued dissuading me by suggesting that if I don’t like to stay here, maybe the three of us could cross-country together, blah, blah… Friend B agreed again. But I said I wasn’t sure about that. I reminded them about my original plan was just to pay my debts then save money so I could take my masters and start fulfilling my dreams. Friend B kept quiet. She stated her opinion “…sa bagay, dapat gawin mo makapagpapasaya sa’yo kung anoman yun…” I was relieved to hear that. But Friend A wouldn’t budge. She said that we should stick together, she raised the “walang iwanan” notion blah, blah…She said they would be really sad if I leave, blah, blah! Then she said the most absurd thing “sama sama tayo dito, sama sama rin tayong aalis”. She threw questions like “anong gagawin mo dun sa pinas?” “kikitain mo ba yung kinikita mo dito doon?” Pano na ang mama mo?” “iwan mo na kami?” and then she capped it off with a shocking plea “ay wala naman ganyanan… walang iwanan!” blah, blah…“grabe naman yun” “pano kami?” In my head I was screaming, w-h-a-t-e-v-e-r!!! With my eye brow raised, I shrugged my shoulders then said calmly, “so? wala akong pakiealam”. Good thing, they both took it as a joke. Perhaps, they didn’t think I was capable of saying things like that to them. But in all honesty, I meant every word. I-don’t-care! Yeah, yeah, that’s harsh. Friend A probably meant well and I appreciated her (their) concern but what she said was very inappropriate. What’s more unnerving is that wasn’t the first time she said that. She always says that when plans of going home are being discussed.

I didn’t like the innuendos in the remarks: “sama sama tayo dito, sama sama rin tayong aalis” and “iwan mo na kami?” “pano kami?”. What makes me makes me speechless is “ay walang ganyanan, walang iwanan”. I can’t even begin to address every nuisance and wrongness with those statements. First off, I’m not planning to take the earliest flight back home. Like I’ve said it was just a mere sentiment of my sadness. Yes, I have been considering going home this year but not as early as next month! But even if it were next month, I’d still think that what she said was out of line. Well it’s not like that we became friends and promised never to leave one another’s side for all eternity…then just one day I had a change of heart and planned to abandon them. I can’t recall making such a pact with them. Heck, I’m not crazy! Okay, that’s harsh again… Look, I consider them as my friends and they certainly mean something to me but not to a degree of ditching my plans and dreams for them. What they ask of me is too much. They are asking to give up my hopes, dreams, and happiness. Besides, we are not here together. They arrived here years ahead of me. They came here carrying plans and dreams of their own, just I myself. How can it be that we should leave this place all together at same time? And for pit’s sake! I will not abandon them…I’ll just go back home. There’s a difference there. They ask me how about them? How about me, then? Should I stay here even though I’m sad because that would make them happy? Where is the fairness in that?

I believe there is always a parameter in every relationship. You can always advise or help but you don’t get to intrude utterly in someone’s life. You shouldn’t meddle with someone’s plans especially if they were built before you met…not unless if you’re in a marriage or romantic relationship. You have no business telling people what to do with their lives. Even parents know when to let go. You can’t force people to stay with you. Forcing someone most likely leads to a failure. Above all, you should never hold back people, particularly those people you call friends from chasing after their dreams.

My goodness! Am I making any sense? I think I’m going overboard here. I’m overreacting about a trivial matter. This is horrible. I’m a mean person.

catch 22

 

I’m a in a catch-22 situation.

 Catch-22 is a military term that became a title of a novel, and eventually became an idiom expression for a no-win situation.

Wikipedia defines it as an expression that refers to a rule, regulation, procedure or situation that creates a dilemma where no real choice exists.  Its premise is that if there was a rule, no matter what the rule is, there is always an exception to it. It probes the question of what is the right thing to do in a basic moral or social dilemma.

      I say that I’m such situation for I’m a dilemma that no real choice exists. I’m torn between my instinct to protect a loved one and my pride to stand by my principles. It seems that no matter what I choose, I’d end up severely compromising a lot. I hope that I can do right thing without harming my loved one. I hope I can protect my loved one without abandoning my values. I hope there is a way to simplify things but sadly there isn’t. Both of the choices cost so much I don’t know if I could pay the price.  I don’t know if I should just disregard my principles for the sake of sparing my loved one. I ask myself if this is an exception to rules I made for myself. I’m trapped in moral dilemma of doing a wrong thing for a right reason. My situation is past complicated. There is no way to make things meet halfway. I can’t even properly describe what I feel. I’m afraid. I’m confused. I’m distraught. I’m indignant. I’m depressed. But despite of all, I remain hopeful…or at the very least I try to. I want to cry until my eyes run out of tears. My heart is pounding so hard that I feel that it’ll explode anytime.

Lord Jesus, please hold my heart and guide my mind. Please help me endure every obstacle and pain. I can’t possibly carry on without Your love as my guiding force. Help me to see You in this situation. Please help me tread life with my eyes focused on You instead of the ragging storms. I’ve been through a lot and Your love never failed me. Help me to hold on your promise. Allow me to see You in all my circumstances. I pray that everything I’m experiencing will lead me closer to You and to becoming the person I made to be. I give to you my fears and hurts. You may be also be with my loved ones always. Thank You.

 Amen.

To my friends who know what’s going on with my life, thank you for your constant prayers. Although we’re oceans apart you guys make me feel less alone.  I praise God for wonderful people like you.

diary entry 19: i feel lifeless

I’ve been trying to think of something intellectual or perhaps inspiring to write here on my blog…Since there isn’t so much exciting happening in my life, maybe I could just blog about some of my smart or inspiring thoughts so that someday when I look back and read my blog I’d would reminisce on how smart or deep I was. But there isn’t so much to reminisce because all I have so far are cluttered thoughts. No intellectual opinion, no inspiring words, much less exciting real life events. My life is way past mundane.  My goodness! I’ve never felt this lifeless… It’s like I wake up each morning just to witness time drags on. I’ve never been this detached from people… so detached that I don’t let people get close to me.  I’ve never been this so uncaring about my surroundings. I laugh, but doesn’t mean am happy. I smile, but doesn’t mean am fine. Enduring the day suddenly became my purpose. Numbing my self became my armor. Sometimes I ask myself if things in my life are in reality hard or I’m just making them so… I don’t know. Maybe I’m being such a drama queen. As a person who belongs to a third world country where people suffer from hunger and poverty, where working overseas is most people’s dream, my depression can be considered as utter vanity.  My discontentment despite of having a job can be a sign of ungratefulness. My unhappiness despite of being employed abroad is simply capriciousness. I’m so tired of my endless grumblings. It’s not that I’m not thankful for whatever I have because I am. I just refuse to believe that I’m destined to lead a typical apathetic life. God didn’t lay down His life just for me to live this way. I just really hope that this is only a phase… a phase that soon shall pass. Well, I just hope someday, when I look back to this phase of my life I would see that there wasn’t really something to grumble about… that my lifelessness was just all self made, that I was just looking at it wrongly, that I was just merely being vain, ungrateful, and capricious. Or better yet, I hope someday I’d be grateful that I went through what I’m presently experiencing now no matter how hard I deem to be, that someday God will help me realize that underneath it all, there is a great life lesson to be learned.

dream or nightmare or whatsoever

Everything seemed to be all too familiar. It felt like it was something that we had been doing for quite some time. We seemed so comfortable with each other. It seemed we were so accustomed to everything. We acted as if it was just something we normally did. “Bad day?” he asked with a genuine concern on his face. I answered him with a sigh. He reached over and took my hand. I just looked down. He put his arm around me, and I rested my head on his shoulder. He moved a little closer to kiss my forehead. Without any words spoken… and with those simple gestures, reassurance took over my apprehension … His embrace set me at peace. I felt that everything was going to be fine…that there was nothing to be afraid of or worry about…it felt like nothing in the world was wrong. I lowered my head and pressed it against his chest. I could hear his heartbeat. It felt incredible being close to him. And he said something under his breath, and then we started laughing our heads off. It was amazing how this person easily put me at ease. It felt great. It felt so wonderful. It felt real…except that it wasn’t. All of this never happened…None of this will ever happen. It was just a dream…a dream closer to a nightmare…Nightmare, because every time I dream about him, I woke up crying.

I don’t frequently blog about my lovelife for two simple reasons…first because I don’t feel like talking about it. Second, there isn’t so much to tell… But for once and for all, for the sake of letting it out, I’ll blog about it with the hope that it would bring me sheer liberation from all of this, and to finally leave everything (about us) where it should belong…to the past.

What I went through a couple of months ago was way past grueling. I now blatantly admit that. I was more hurt than I projected to be. I was more devastated about it than I ever thought I could be. I don’t know if it was pride or whatsoever…or maybe I just didn’t want others to know how affected I was…or maybe it was just my way of protecting myself…maybe I didn’t allow myself to know how awful I really felt about it because of so much things going on in my life and the last thing I need was (is) to deal with a broken heart.

Melodramatic as it may sound, I actually thought I wouldn’t be able to laugh again. A lot of times I questioned my decision. I felt that I made a mistake. I couldn’t think clearly. I was badly hurt. But my senses always got hold of me telling me that I did the right thing. But being reminded that I did the right thing didn’t alleviate the pain. It hurt all the same. There were times that I wished I could rip out my heart from my chest just to have a momentary relief from everything. There were times that the only thing I wanted to do was to sleep, because only then I could stop thinking about him. But when he invaded my dream that when it hurt the most…because I thought my dreams were the only place I found refuge from my pain…the only place where the hurtful truth of us not being together couldn’t penetrate…But the dream itself wasn’t the hardest part I had to go through…it was waking up and realizing that everything was only a plain dream no matter how real it felt like.

have i?

Have I been looking at my circumstances negatively?

Have I been complaining too often?

Have I been so unappreciative?

Have I been seeing my glass of water as half empty instead of half full?

Have I been a walking contradiction of what I always believed in?

Have I been dealing with my issues wrongly?

Have I been so impatient?

Have I been ill-tempered?

Have I been real mean to others? Have I been selfish?

Have I not been fully trusting God?

regret

A surge of regret swarms me. All of a sudden, I feel like that I made a huge mistake. But it’s too late to take it back now. Changing my mind is no longer an option. I can’t return to the past and reverse my actions. I was reluctant. I was unsure. I was doubtful. Despite of all, I still went ahead. I made a decision. Now, I somehow regret it. I shouldn’t feel this way… I should be thrilled. My heart should be leaping for exhilaration. I should be snowed under gladness. Ironically, I feel that my heart crawled up my throat. I’m scared, not thrilled. My inside is quivering with anxiety, not for exhilaration. I’m overwhelmed with worries, not with gladness. What’s the matter with me? Why do not I feel any ounce of pleasure?