diary entry 25: girlish stuff

As usual, nothing special has happened.  Some people at the office still draw their joy from annoying us (me and pinay colleagues). It’s as if they’re watching our every move to find ways to annoy us… We speculate maybe they’re just trying to get our attention! To hell with them! We’re here to make a decent living. We don’t hurt anybody or whatever.  We just do our jobs and mind our own frigging business! Can they just please butt off? We’re really running out of patience…especially me. I’m beyond infuriated! I feel that we’re overworked and underpaid, and this the way they treat us?! Oh great! Just great! I’ve been trying to compose myself. I’ve been telling myself there is a reason behind all these. And this all will eventually end. Nonetheless, I feel exhausted. I dread every day that I go to work. Oh Dear Lord, help me!

 

My growing crush on someone does not even lessen my fury, not even when I see him.  I may really sound like a tickled pink teenager here but this guy can make me feel twitchy …in a very good way. Hahaha…  I don’t usually get attracted to pretty boys… but this one is such a looker… And by far, he is the best looking guy I’ve ever seen up close! He is the most gorgeous guy I’ve ever had a conversation with! It’s like talking to someone straight out from a magazine. And the other day he had his hair cut…and it just accentuated the features of his face…three words: drop dead gorgeous. Brief glances at him will surely leave a girl breathless! I thought this kind of stuff can only be found in Stephenie Meyer’s books! Hahaha… enough of this girlish crap!

 

 

insanity! argh! hehe!

They say that the best indication that you’re not crazy is if you actually think you are. The fact that you are sober enough to question your sanity means that you’re still at the right state of mind. If that’s the case, perhaps I’m not crazy…or perhaps just not yet. As a child I wondered why some people gone insane. My prejudice was that crazy people were weak, coward and pathetic… people who simply couldn’t handle their problems well. And now as an adult, I wonder differently. I wonder how some people manage to keep their sanity. In this erratic life, I wonder how one stays strong in the face of constant seatbacks and frustrations. I wonder how one persists despite failures without feeling utterly defeated. I wonder how one graciously deals with a sudden loss of a loved one. I wonder how one keeps an indomitable attitude in pursuing his/her dreams while others harshly pound him/her with discouragements. It’s a wonder to me why some people snapped and how they completely lost their mind. But what really leaves me staggered is the question of how some people keep their selves together while things in their lives fall apart. Is there a guideline on how to keep one’s sanity? If there is, would someone care to lend me? I snapped last Saturday in front of my sister. I was hysterically laughing as tears relentlessly streamed down my cheeks while I angrily vented my rants. I couldn’t stop laughing in a way that I couldn’t stop myself from crying. I was so distressed and angry that it drove me to hysterical laughter. I really thought I gone mad. As I threw fit my sister was watching me with terror. Why wouldn’t she… I was sobbing, muttering things, laughing hard at my private joke which I didn’t care to share with her. She just sat still witnessing my outburst. My sister, having the stronger personality from the two of us didn’t know what to do. Maybe because she knew that what caused my momentary madness was valid. I just needed to succumb and allow insanity take over. My problems haven’t crossed the fence of unbearable side. I know God won’t allow problems that I couldn’t handle to come my way…very grateful for that. But, annoyance has been my loyal buddy, it’s always beside me, it doesn’t leave me alone, not even for a day. But that’s okay because I seem to have the ability to snap out of it day after day. But last week’s incident pushed me to my limit! I have tried hard to be patient. But I had enough! I was very infuriated the entire week and I had never been that exasperated in my life. I had never felt a strong urge to actually strangle someone in my whole existence! I finally understood what the word anger really meant. I was so angry that I thought I gone crazy. What sort of perverted thrill some people get from infuriating others? Why do other people derive their pleasure from making other’s lives miserable? I can say that so far I’ve been somewhat unbeaten by frustrations and depression. With God’s help, I manage to collect myself in every pains and problems I face. If dealt well, such things might help toughen me…That’s why I even thank God for them. But with fury, I don’t know what it could give me aside from madness! It gets the best of me! It brings the worst in me! I’m not usually a violent person but this fury makes me want to kill someone with bare hands…ugh! I need to get out of here before I completely lose my sanity!

jounalizing

At the beginning of the year, I promised myself to have at least one blog entry here per week regardless of anything. Even if I’m busy or simply being lazy, even though there isn’t so much to write, my blog must be kept updated.

 

A few days ago, a tragedy reminded me the importance of journalizing. It had nothing to with me personally. My cousin’s friend was brutally murdered. She saw it on the news  that her 4month pregnant friend was murdered with her husband. They were shot on the head. Their bodies were found next to each other at the back of their car. According to the news, the intent behind the crime wasn’t clear yet. But teary eyed cousin said she read her friend’s blog entries on how she had been scared about something. Her words vaguely described how terrifying her life had turning. She had also mentioned how she started to feel her life was becoming miserable. Even though she had several blog entries, she remained ambiguous about what was really going on with her life. And now her family and friends, my cousin included, are left all at sea, not knowing the real intention behind her brutal death. What was scaring her? Why did she feel that way? Had someone been threatening her and her husband? Were her blog entries trying to scream something? If only they could decode the real implications of her words. Better yet, if only they had asked her what was going on right then and there. If she were my friend, and I saw her blog and read those terrified thoughts of hers, I would demand her to tell me everything…ugh! I don’t know. I don’t think I can bear losing a friend that way.

Assessing my 2008 new year’s resolution

 

At the beginning of the year 2008, I had made myself a new year’s resolution.  As the year concluded a few days ago, I thought of making an evaluation of my life in the year that just past. I’d like to check if I successfully accomplished any of my resolution for ’08.

 

My first resolution was No Regret. Last year, I made a rule of my life never to regret and never to look back… well, I think I made I fine job at not regretting this year.  Certainly, there were times that I looked back at my past, but I could say that I looked back at them with an unregretful eyes.

 

Second was Entrust… meaning, entrusting God all of me… my plans, dreams, my whole being. But honestly, I’ve been having a hard time with this. It’s not that I don’t trust God… it’s more about my stubbornness, and insistence on doing things my way. Well, God and I still working on this…

 

 Third was widen my perspective. I would like to think that the way I perceive things has greatly improved. And I shouldn’t take any credit for that because it was God’s grace that made that possible. God didn’t fail to lend his lenses to me so that I could have a deeper glimpse at things.

 

I may succeed in doing some of my goals, but I’m still not yet content. There are still a huge of room for growth and improvement. There are still so many ways that I can grow and learn. A new year always holds lots of promises and offers lots of possibilities. I’m little scared because I know I have to make life changing decisions this year.  I haven’t thought of any new year’s resolution for this year. But my primary goal would be letting God take all of me.