diary entry 18: when opportunities knock

 

 

A few minutes ago, a person from DAMAC called me again for an interview. The first time I received a call from them was on Sunday. I was on my way home, surrounded by bunch of officemates in our office service van. Naturally, I couldn’t speak. I was dumbfounded.  Yes and No were the only words I could utter. Maybe because of my reluctant voice, the person on the other end sensed that it wasn’t a good time for me to talk, and he offered to call me again after an hour. Thirty minutes later, as soon as I got off the van, I immediately called them back. Unfortunately, the person who called me was busy and he said he’d get back to me as soon as he’s available. The call came this morning.  DAMAC is not only well-known company but also one of the most reputable ones here in UAE. I should be happy that I was short-listed out of many applicants; plus the fact that they called me twice just to attend the interview. But what I feel right now is beyond frustration. The person told me to go there today at 11am. What do I do? I’m here at the office. I can’t go. First of all, there is no way I can go there. I have no car. There are no bus stops here. Cab? Good luck to me if I see a sign of a cab here. This place is too far from the civilization (better to put in tagalaog; malayo sa sibilisasyon). I’m starting to have the suspicion that the owner of this frigging company intended this office to be too far so that employees can’t attend interviews because he knew there would come a time that we will want to leave and find a better job! I’m not the only one here who wants to resign! There are a lot of us. Few have succeeded; but others like me, so far haven’t.  This is the second this happened to me. First, it was Khaleej Times, now this.  I don’t know. I kept asking myself if this really for me… Should I just stay here and accept that I doomed to make certificates of steel wire ropes and steel chain slings?  Should I just abandon my dreams and face the reality that I was made to work in a company that deals with testing and certifying the safety of metals? Maybe someone I don’t know reads this and says, why don’t I just end my misery by quitting…well the answer is I simply can’t… not without an assurance that I have new job. I have financial responsibilities to fulfill. I can’t take risk just like that. Besides, the labor law here is complicated. Expats can’t jump from one job to another easily.

 

Less than 5 minutes ago:

 

I called DAMAC back to tell that that I couldn’t make it today at 11am. It was nearly impossible. I explained that I can’t leave work today and asked if there was any possibility that we could meet up tomorrow afternoon instead, surprisingly he agreed. He said he’d wait for me tomorrow and at the latest at 3pm. And right now, I don’t know what to do.  My work ends at exactly 3pm.  What do I do? Transport myself there tomorrow? And to make things worse (or better, whatever!) an American company based in Palm Jumeriah also called just a few minutes ago after I spoke with DAMAC… great, just great!

 

 Lord, give me wisdom to decide what’s good for me. I don’t know what to do. I really want to get out of this dead end job. I’ve been so miserable, God. You know how many times I cried because of the frustration this job brings me. Lord, it was hard enough for me to leave my country to come back for a work that I don’t even like. I’m asking for a better job… a better reason to stay here aside from remittance. Many great opportunities have come my way but it seems something keeps blocking me from grabbing them. It really confuses me why these opportunities knock yet I can’t let them come in. Do you want me strive more for a better job?  Do You want me to strive where I am right now? If this is Your will and You want me stay here, please help me, fix my heart. Humble me, help me accept things. Help to see things in the way You want me to.

 

 

 

 

excerpt

Every warrior of the light has felt afraid of going to the battle.

 

Every warrior of the light has, at some point in the past has lied or betrayed someone.

 

Every warrior of the light has trodden path thaw was not his.

 

Every warrior of the light has suffered for the most trivial reasons.

 

Every warrior of the light has, at least once, believed that he was not a warrior of the light.

 

Every warrior of the light has failed in his spiritual duties.

 

Every warrior of the light has said “yes” when he wanted to say “no”.

 

Every warrior of the light has hurt someone he loved.

 

That is why he is warrior of the light, because he has been through all this and yet has never lost hope of being better than he is.

 

 

An excerpt from one of the most moving books I read. It’s entitled Warrior of the Light.  It is written by a great author, one of my favorite writers, Paolo Coelho.

 

 

 

 

 

out loud

I just recently found out that one way of making yourself accept truths about your circumstances is to say it out loud. Sometimes it isn’t just about of knowing it, but also a matter of accepting and dealing with it. A lot of things have been going round and round inside my head that sometimes I feel that driving me nuts. My best antidote for this is to kick them on a lower level of my subconscious. There are things that you know are true, you don’t let yourself be aware that you know them because you fear that you’re not yet strong enough to deal with them. And if you face them while you’re weak, you know you’d fall apart. Instead of falling apart, you pretend for the meantime that they aren’t there while you gather strength. But they have their way of making their presence known no matter how many times I ignore them. Disregarding them doesn’t make the veracity of their existence less. They are there, they are real, they actually happened. What’s the sense of denying them? It just prolongs your agony. Today, tomorrow, next week… it’s gonna hurt just the same. And you’re not fooling anyone but your own self. So yesterday, when I was alone (of course), I told myself what I needed myself to hear. And it hurt because it felt like reality slapped me to wake me up from my delusion. I had no escape; it came from my own lips. I just had to accept it, deal with it, and live with it. It’s true what they say; truth hurts. But it also true what they say; truth will set you free.

diary entry 17: my conspiracy theory

I don’t really believe in this kind of crap but the other day I felt like the universe was conspiring against me.

I made up my mind about looking for a new job. I was (still am) so pissed off… I couldn’t take it anymore. So after my birthday, I decided to stop blabbing and took job hunting seriously. I have been looking for job vacancies over the internet and newspaper. Of course, I’m thinking of shifting career so I’m looking for a job more related to my course, something that I’ll be so thrilled doing, something that will give me more reasons to wake up each morning… something I can call a career.

It has been 3 weeks since I started consistently sending my resumés. So far, 4 companies called me up and asked for an interview, but I only had attended 2 of them. I wasn’t interested in the first one, while the second was offering same position as I currently have, so a big NO to that. I couldn’t be more excited when I received a call from the third company. It was one of the leading newspapers here in UAE. Although its location is in other emirates ( Sharjah) and I was clueless about how to get myself there, I still had the urge to go there. They wanted me to go the next day at 10am. But I couldn’t because I had a work and it was the first day of the week. I didn’t want my boss to think that I just wanted to have a long weekend. Hehe… So I asked them to reschedule it the next, next day. Luckily, they agreed. I really had good vibes about this job. I couldn’t wait to go there and impress them with my pretense confidence and intellect. I knew I was going to nail that interview! I had a strong feeling that I was gonna get that job, I could taste it!

I went to the office on Sunday. I absent myself the next day. I made some lame excuse for not coming to work. I couldn’t think of anything, so I just told my boss that my stomach was upset because of what I ate the night before while I told my officemate that I had to run some personal errands for my relatives. Believe it or not, I felt bad about lying. If only I had a choice, I wouldn’t have done that. But what could I do? Tell my boss that I had an interview? Anyway, going back, I woke up early as I normally do during weekdays. I did my morning rituals. I dressed up more than usual. Put some make up. I was ready to go. My interview was at 10am. I didn’t want to be late and I needed more time because I had to find that place so I left at quarter to 8.

I thought everything was going to be fine. I took a bus to get to nearest place to the boundary of Dubai and Sharjah. I waved a cab after another for almost an hour. It was either occupied or the driver refused to take to Sharjah due terrible traffic. ‘It’s okay, you’ll get there’… I kept telling myself. An hour before the time of my interview I phoned them and told them that I’m gonna be late. They said they would wait. So I took another bus, I went I little farther … I stood there. I waited for cab again. I was under the scorching heat of the sun. I was so thirsty but I couldn’t drink because it’s Ramadan and it’s prohibited to eat or drink in public places. I ignored my drying throat and dehydrating body. It was passed 11am and I was still there. Surge of panic crept in my system. I was fighting my panic. It was hard enough to stand there under the sun on your not so comfortable suit and heels. But my panic made it harder. My bladder made it unbearable. I needed to go the restroom. I wanted that job badly. I couldn’t believe it. I thought that job was for me. I went out of my way just to attend that interview. I felt that the universe was conspiring against me. It was 12 in the afternoon I was still waiting. The newspaper called me and asked if I was still coming. I told them the truth, lame at it sounded, I couldn’t get a cab. They said they were willing to reschedule it again the next day at 10am. I asked them If I could go there at 4 since my work ends at 3pm…(I didn’t tell them that, though) they told me it couldn’t because their office hours end at 2pm…great! Just great… so I just lied again and said that I’d be there the next day… obviously I wouldn’t. I couldn’t absent myself for 2 days in a row…I just had my leave. So I gave up… maybe it wasn’t for me.

reconciling the past, present, and future

In the past few days I was excited about turning 23… but this morning I didn’t wake up with excitement as I anticipated but with a sinking feeling in my stomach.  Another year has been added in my life, and I can’t be more grateful for that. But this new day welcomed me with overwhelming uncertainties that gripped all over me and haven’t left my body since. Cluster of vague thoughts clouded my mind that hinders me from thinking clearly. I’m physically here at the office but it feels like am somewhere else. There is nothing devastating about turning a year older. Things won’t suddenly change in just a day. I won’t look older instantly. My life won’t change drastically. Things are completely the same as yesterday yet I feel something’s oddly different. I’m not quite sure if that’s how I really feel. I just know that I’m bombarded with lots of thoughts about my past, present and mostly future.

            Past. The most clichéd of all clichés, past is past. But the past is the root of the present. For the past 2 years, I think I procrastinated too often. I wasted so much time. I didn’t accomplish much. I had complained a lot. I spent so much of my energy thinking than doing. I didn’t enjoy my life much. I cried a lot.  I was so fixated on less important things.  I hanged on to things too long. I locked myself into my own delusions. I was shamelessly envious of other people. I allowed frustrations to consume me. Worst, I allowed frustration to drive me to depression. I was impatient. I was doubtful. I was scared. I didn’t grow much as a person. I committed same mistakes all over again. I had not achieved much. Nothing in my most recent past made me proud. In my ideal world, my 23 years of existence was not well lived. What a shame. What a loss.

            Present. I don’t want to lie; I’m still trapped in my frustrations. I’m still struggling with my impatience, doubts and fears. I still experience shortness of breath and spasms in my stomach from time to time. I’m broken but I’m allowing God to heal me. I’m trying to focus on what I have and just be grateful for everything. I put my foot after another, taking one tiny step at a time towards my goals.

            Future. In the past, I was so fixated on the future that I failed to live for the present. Huge mistake…yet I’m doing it again. I’m just frightened that my future will not be as bright as hope it will be. What if I would be exactly where I am right now in the future? What the future is worse than my present? There’s so many things going on in my life that gravitating on my future is my only escape from present miseries. My past somehow jaded me… my present consumed me… One of the few things that keep me going is the promise of the future.  Maybe I just have let go of my past, hold on to the future and learn to live for today…easier said than done… but that’s the best option that I have.