LOST IN INTERPRETATION

I have been assessing myself if I tend to read so much into things.  We all have our own interpretations of the world. We tell ourselves what things mean and what to do about them. So I’ve been asking myself if things what I deem wrong are in reality wrong or I just interpret them wrongly.

For instance, my officemates’ appeal for me the stay could be a sign of genuine friendship that I might have just gotten wrongly and interpreted as a capricious demand. But perhaps in truth, they just simply wanted me to stay that they overlooked the inappropriateness in it.

During my sophomore year in college, my psychology professor repeatedly said in the entire semester the line: Only you can hurt you. (Of course except in physical way) That statement could mean a lot, but in my interpretation is that words are mere words, and it’s us who place meaning to them. Somebody could tell us one thing but we could receive it as another. It’s really a matter of how we take in things. What we do about them lies on how interpret them. The way we respond to them depends on how we understand them.  So if we’re hurt by people (or by circumstances) it’s only because we allow them. We are responsible for our own pains because we let them creep in.

With all this, should I therefore conclude that I’m the one who hurt myself? I offered help… to the same loved one I’ve mentioned on my previous entries. In that person response said that, she appreciated my gesture but she felt that (our) another loved one will mind if she accepted my help. She said that, that another loved one wouldn’t like it if I’d help her. In my mind, why on earth would she think that? I was taken aback because she was pertaining to loved one who has been nothing but kind to us. I was just trying to help, but for some twisted reason she didn’t want to accept it because she thought another loved one won’t like it.  So I told her that it’s not good to think that way of our loved ones, and she went ballistic. She got so mad at me for reproaching her. And of course she used her forte… she said harsh words again… accusing me of judging her and all. For crying out loud, I was just trying to help! How can a person so far hurt someone closely? So now I’m thinking…am to blame for hurting this way? Or maybe, just maybe we both misinterpreted each other? I don’t know

The redundancy of the usage of loved one/s is intended.

mean girl

I’m generally not a mean a person (at the very least I don’t think so). I only pull out the mean girl in me when the situation calls for it. I make a conscious effort not to say or do cruel things to others. I save my biAtchness exclusively for blogging purposes. Like now, I’m about to write something harsh. I know I’ve written some harsh things before but they were about people I dislike…so I don’t actually consider them mean. But when I dish out awful things about the people I care about, that’s mean…or rather wicked. I hate to do this but I have to let this out.

After being alone for some time in a foreign land, it’s just normal to entertain thoughts of going home too. After all, it was my original plan but for some reason I have to postpone it. So one day, out of the blue, I blurted out to my friends (at the office) I was thinking of going home next month. They were a little surprised because it was a sudden decision. I explained that one of the foremost reasons I’ve been staying here is to accompany my sister. Now she’s left, I couldn’t t see the point of staying here (of course I can see the point, I just said that out of sadness). I know Friend A meant well, but her reaction unnerved me. She advised me to finish my contract (June 2010) after all it just a year and a half. According to her I must think of my gratuity, blah, blah. Friend B agreed. Friend A continued dissuading me by suggesting that if I don’t like to stay here, maybe the three of us could cross-country together, blah, blah… Friend B agreed again. But I said I wasn’t sure about that. I reminded them about my original plan was just to pay my debts then save money so I could take my masters and start fulfilling my dreams. Friend B kept quiet. She stated her opinion “…sa bagay, dapat gawin mo makapagpapasaya sa’yo kung anoman yun…” I was relieved to hear that. But Friend A wouldn’t budge. She said that we should stick together, she raised the “walang iwanan” notion blah, blah…She said they would be really sad if I leave, blah, blah! Then she said the most absurd thing “sama sama tayo dito, sama sama rin tayong aalis”. She threw questions like “anong gagawin mo dun sa pinas?” “kikitain mo ba yung kinikita mo dito doon?” Pano na ang mama mo?” “iwan mo na kami?” and then she capped it off with a shocking plea “ay wala naman ganyanan… walang iwanan!” blah, blah…“grabe naman yun” “pano kami?” In my head I was screaming, w-h-a-t-e-v-e-r!!! With my eye brow raised, I shrugged my shoulders then said calmly, “so? wala akong pakiealam”. Good thing, they both took it as a joke. Perhaps, they didn’t think I was capable of saying things like that to them. But in all honesty, I meant every word. I-don’t-care! Yeah, yeah, that’s harsh. Friend A probably meant well and I appreciated her (their) concern but what she said was very inappropriate. What’s more unnerving is that wasn’t the first time she said that. She always says that when plans of going home are being discussed.

I didn’t like the innuendos in the remarks: “sama sama tayo dito, sama sama rin tayong aalis” and “iwan mo na kami?” “pano kami?”. What makes me makes me speechless is “ay walang ganyanan, walang iwanan”. I can’t even begin to address every nuisance and wrongness with those statements. First off, I’m not planning to take the earliest flight back home. Like I’ve said it was just a mere sentiment of my sadness. Yes, I have been considering going home this year but not as early as next month! But even if it were next month, I’d still think that what she said was out of line. Well it’s not like that we became friends and promised never to leave one another’s side for all eternity…then just one day I had a change of heart and planned to abandon them. I can’t recall making such a pact with them. Heck, I’m not crazy! Okay, that’s harsh again… Look, I consider them as my friends and they certainly mean something to me but not to a degree of ditching my plans and dreams for them. What they ask of me is too much. They are asking to give up my hopes, dreams, and happiness. Besides, we are not here together. They arrived here years ahead of me. They came here carrying plans and dreams of their own, just I myself. How can it be that we should leave this place all together at same time? And for pit’s sake! I will not abandon them…I’ll just go back home. There’s a difference there. They ask me how about them? How about me, then? Should I stay here even though I’m sad because that would make them happy? Where is the fairness in that?

I believe there is always a parameter in every relationship. You can always advise or help but you don’t get to intrude utterly in someone’s life. You shouldn’t meddle with someone’s plans especially if they were built before you met…not unless if you’re in a marriage or romantic relationship. You have no business telling people what to do with their lives. Even parents know when to let go. You can’t force people to stay with you. Forcing someone most likely leads to a failure. Above all, you should never hold back people, particularly those people you call friends from chasing after their dreams.

My goodness! Am I making any sense? I think I’m going overboard here. I’m overreacting about a trivial matter. This is horrible. I’m a mean person.

diary entry 30: living alone

I think I’m doing better than expected. I’m not as sad as I thought I would. My life is normal as if nothing changed. I wake up and go about my typical day as usual. Everything is perfectly normal. I’m not sure… Maybe my brain just hasn’t processed what really happened.

My sister left last Thursday. And it was an exhausting day for me…I was mentally, emotionally and physically tired that day. I was even too tired to cry for my sister’s for good departure from UAE. I shed tears, of course. But not as much as she did or as much as expected…wanted. I can’t tell exactly how I felt that day. As a matter of fact, I can vaguely remember what I did after returning home alone from the airport. I only remember ridding a cab with her 35kg excess baggage with me…but aside from that, nothing.

It’s upsetting enough that my sister left, but the more upsetting part there is she left with ate bads. Unlike her, ate bads left only for a 2-week vacation. She’ll be back at the end of this month. However, I’m still left alone at the house. I’m not actually alone. Ate bads’ sister is with me. But she works during the night and we barely see each other. Besides, we don’t know each other well. She just started living with us last week. For me it’s just the same as being alone. Then again, this sadness is just transitory. I will get used to my new setup in no time.

The truth be told, I can handle living alone. I went through it before, and I can surely go through it again. I was younger then. I know my situation was different, more so easier. First off, I wasn’t in a foreign land. My lolo and pops lived in the same vicinity I was. It also helped that my other relatives were there. I had a boyfriend that time…(that didn’t help so much, though…haha) And of course, many of my friends were there. So although I was living by myself, it didn’t really feel like I was alone. And I would be lying if I say I didn’t enjoy my time alone then.

But now, I’m oceans away from home. I don’t have any close relatives nearby. I have relatives but they are in a different Emirate. I have only very few friends here. But I can manage myself. And I know God will always be with me wherever I go. Even though I’m 8hours far from my friends, I can feel still their presence. And another truth be told, I feel the need to be away for some time. Even though it’s a little hard, I should stay here for the meantime. As I said above, I can handle being alone. I don’t have a problem with that. But I have a problem with handling other things. A lot of nagging thoughts have been pestering me. I’ve tried to shrug them off but the have their way of creeping back in my mind and continue bothering my entire system.

Guilt, fear, and anger. Those are the things I’m having a hard time dealing with. I finally made a decision. I decided to protect my loved one. Either way, it’s a losing situation. No matter what I choose, I knew my guilt would hunt me. I can’t say I utterly threw away my principles. It wasn’t like that. I just became passive with the whole situation. It took so much of me to do that. Instead of standing on my grounds, I let things be. Now I’m left with my guilt pounding me. I know that choice will inevitably reap its repercussions. And that’s what I’m afraid of. I fear the unknown consequences of my action. It’s just a matter of time and it’ll surely fire back at me. In spite of all, my efforts are in vain. I’m still unappreciated. I’m angry because the person I tried to protect hurt me a lot of times and never apologized for any of those. I’d never hurt anyone on purpose, let alone any loved one. It just hurts to think that after all my efforts to make that person feel loved and looked after, that ­person still has the impudence to hurt me. I’m so angry. I know I need to forgive but don’t know how.

My guilt, fear and anger are telling me to stay here from the meantime. They convinced me that I need to distance myself for awhile. I can’t go home with so much baggage. I need time to be alone with God. I need to heal. I need to be restored. When I go back home, I leave everything behind and start a new life. While I’m not yet ready to let go, I will stay here…alone

catch 22

 

I’m a in a catch-22 situation.

 Catch-22 is a military term that became a title of a novel, and eventually became an idiom expression for a no-win situation.

Wikipedia defines it as an expression that refers to a rule, regulation, procedure or situation that creates a dilemma where no real choice exists.  Its premise is that if there was a rule, no matter what the rule is, there is always an exception to it. It probes the question of what is the right thing to do in a basic moral or social dilemma.

      I say that I’m such situation for I’m a dilemma that no real choice exists. I’m torn between my instinct to protect a loved one and my pride to stand by my principles. It seems that no matter what I choose, I’d end up severely compromising a lot. I hope that I can do right thing without harming my loved one. I hope I can protect my loved one without abandoning my values. I hope there is a way to simplify things but sadly there isn’t. Both of the choices cost so much I don’t know if I could pay the price.  I don’t know if I should just disregard my principles for the sake of sparing my loved one. I ask myself if this is an exception to rules I made for myself. I’m trapped in moral dilemma of doing a wrong thing for a right reason. My situation is past complicated. There is no way to make things meet halfway. I can’t even properly describe what I feel. I’m afraid. I’m confused. I’m distraught. I’m indignant. I’m depressed. But despite of all, I remain hopeful…or at the very least I try to. I want to cry until my eyes run out of tears. My heart is pounding so hard that I feel that it’ll explode anytime.

Lord Jesus, please hold my heart and guide my mind. Please help me endure every obstacle and pain. I can’t possibly carry on without Your love as my guiding force. Help me to see You in this situation. Please help me tread life with my eyes focused on You instead of the ragging storms. I’ve been through a lot and Your love never failed me. Help me to hold on your promise. Allow me to see You in all my circumstances. I pray that everything I’m experiencing will lead me closer to You and to becoming the person I made to be. I give to you my fears and hurts. You may be also be with my loved ones always. Thank You.

 Amen.

To my friends who know what’s going on with my life, thank you for your constant prayers. Although we’re oceans apart you guys make me feel less alone.  I praise God for wonderful people like you.

diary entry 29: recession

I had a long weekend.  There were so many things I needed to take in, chew and digest in just two days. First off, my sister was laid off. The solution to that problem is not as simple as her getting a new job. It’s needless to say that economy is worsening by the day. Finding jobs here is not that easy unlike before. Companies are shutting down left and right. In spite of that, I still think that she would eventually find a new job. However, I also think that it would take time before she does. No job, of course means no money. She worries about how she would pay her loans and credit cards. I don’t earn that much. I can only pay for her rent and food for the meantime. That’s our big problem now. The bigger is we had an argument a day after she was laid off. We exchanged harsh words and still not talking to each other to this day. I know this isn’t the right time for us not to talk to each other. We need to stick together to find ways to survive. I knew she was going through something and I should’ve just held my tongue as I always did. But I could take it no longer. It was like I exploded. I said something that she misconstrued as condescending. I didn’t regret saying it for it was the truth. I just felt so horrible for making her feel terrible because she misinterpreted what said…but I’m not sorry for what I said itself, though.

 

***

 

At the moment, I’m holding on to my faith and God’s promises.  Surprisingly I’m handling things well. I’m not as downcast as used to be whenever problem strikes. I can even laugh and greet people with a sincere smile. Maybe I haven’t fully realized the gravity of our problem yet. Maybe I’ve just grown. I don’t know.  I’m just praying hard and dealing with each problem at a time. I’m trying not to worry about what would happen to us if my sister wouldn’t find a job in 2-3 months. My mom doesn’t have a work, I’m pretty sure she’d be affected by this…my savings for my studies won’t be spared… so on and so forth. But I try to shrug those thoughts off. I don’t want to be overwhelmed such worries otherwise I’d fall apart. More than anytime, I should be strong now. With God’s help, I know I can endure this…again.  I’ll just keep on holding on to the truth that God only gives me what I can bear.

realization 1: cause of my weekly migraine

I’ve been doing a research on how to cure my recurring migraine. According to the articles I’ve read that the primary causes of headache outside of a physical illness are: hormonal change, food, sensory stimuli, changes in sleep pattern, physical factors, medication, changes in environment, weather and psychological. According also to those articles, mostly its cause, prevention and cure all boils down to one factor, psychological. Cause, most likely can be psychological. Prevention, most likely can be psychological. And evidently, the cure, most likely can be psychological too. Upon reading them, they all made a lot of sense to me. My unbearable headache attacked consistently during and only on weekends for two years…years that I have stayed here, and been under a lot of stress. It was very strange because it seemed that my headache was following a schedule religiously. People around me said that my headache might be psychological. I’ve considered it but not really accepted it. It’s not because I was too egoistical to accept that I might have been suffering because of my own making, but because I couldn’t believe that was being controlled by my  mind instead of other way around. I couldn’t accept that my subconscious was dictating how I must feel. Because as far as I knew (or as far as I wanted to believe), I could handle my emotions and stress pretty well, but apparently my migraine said otherwise.

 

 

 I’ve had migraine even before I came here. But that only hit me once a month, during my monthly period only. When I came here, all throughout summer I’ve had experienced severe migraine during weekends. I thought that the cause of headache was the extreme heat of the summer. But when winter came and my migraine still paid me a visit, then I started to wonder.  But then again, I convinced myself that perhaps like the scorching heat of the summer, neither had I experienced such iciness of the winter. So, I thought the two extremely different weathers were the cause of my headache. So to speak, I blamed the weather so much that I overlooked other factors that might also cause it.

 

But a frequent headache alongside nausea and diarrhea was intolerable. I could no longer take it. I couldn’t be stressed at work on weekdays just to spend my weekend enduring such a pain. I went to a doctor, hmm… what she said was not exactly helpful, “migraine is common”. She prescribed medicines (but I guess those medicine were for colds), but I still did my research.

 

As I written above, mostly it’s psychological. I do think that it also might be caused my other factors, such as sensory stimuli (fishy smelling food makes me nauseous) or change of weather (heat of the sun contributes a lot), however I think it’s primarily all in my head. So I made a decision to give back the power to control my feelings to the rightful owner…me. I’ve avoided factors that trigger my migraine, but also I started to deal with emotions that I supposed to recognize. I’ve learned to compartmentalize. If I’m stressed at work, I’d leave it out at work. When I get fidgeted about the future, I refocus myself in the present. If I live my life well now, I can eventually have a good future.  When past hurt hunt me, I snap myself out of it. I tell myself that if allow myself to wallow in those pains I’d lose.  So far, so good. I don’t want to take the credit for my success to beat my migraine (or should I say myself), these won’t be possible with God’s help. I’ve asked to give me strength to combat with these things. Because that migraine was merely the result of my mishandled hurts, stress and anger. Those things aren’t easy to battle without the Almighty’s help.

diary entry 28: over the weekend

I have lots of realizations lately. Although I wanted to narrate all of them in the most poignant way I know how to, I just can’t. I’m just not in the frame of mind to do so. It’s due to my lack of sleep. I’m too sleepy to write. I’m so sleepy that I can’t even remember the events in the past few days that I’m supposed to recount today. But I’m having daily dose of coffee now and maybe caffeine could jog my memory a bit.

 

Weekend was torture for my sister. Rumor has it; there would be another batch of employees at the company to be laid off. She said that it was to be announced last Thursday but for some reason the owner decided to torture the employees by keeping them hanging, prolonging their anxiety till this week. I’m hoping and praying that my sister isn’t included in the new batch.  I don’t want to be selfish but I know my plans of going home soon to take up my masters will be greatly affected. Worse comes to worst, I have to stand by sister. I have to be there for her. I have to support her in emotional aspect as well as the financial. But more than anything, I’m praying that God would give me strength to accept and handle whatever is going to come my way. As I told a friend, I’m more afraid of what reaction about the situation would be than

the situation itself.

 

 

***

 

It was my father’s birthday yesterday. I was able to speak with him. I have to admit, I missed him. Even though my pop is like that … (I can’t seem to put to words to  his current lifestyle) I know he loves me (us) so much. He has always treated me like a baby…both in a good and bad ways. He pampered and protected in the best ways he could… And I feel being missed so much when talking to him. I just want to write this so that I’d remember missing my pop this much.

 

***

I’ve decided that I let myself to continue being swooned by crush. Even though we barely speak to each other at the office, I don’t mind. He makes my boring day a little exciting. His presence encourages me to fix myself to look like a lady again. Hahaha. And lately, we have been having our cursory how are yous. I’m so psyched! Hahaha… Just a bit embarrassed when he catches me stealing glances at him. But as the corny saying in tagalog goes : hindi ka nya mahuhuling nakatingin kung hindi ka rin nya tinitignan. Hahaha… by the way, I’m allowing myself to be delusional too. hahaha

***

I dreamt of a friend again, this friend is not same one I wrote about on my previous entry. That was a girl friend but this time was a guy friend.  It’s very weird, more so awkward to narrate my dream about him. But for the sake of recounting I’d write it down. In my dream I told him I was in love with him, but made my self clear that I told him that just so he knew and wished not to get involved in his relationship with his girlfriend. That is very strange, because I never find him attractive, not because I don’t think he is, because he has been like a brother to me.

 

 

***

Most time I think about our business. I’m a bit agitated with what’s going on with the economy but I’m keeping my hopes up. But I’m really worried, though.

 

***

 

 

The thought of going to a study tour in Korea has been playing in my mind. I’m also praying for this. This is great opportunity for me to deepen my faith and strengthen my relationship with God. I also think this is the only time that I could afford to go to such a tour. Well. I don’t know… there is a lot to consider. I’ll keep praying about this.

***

 

About my realizations, maybe next time, I’m really not in the zone to recount those kind of things.