diary entry 31: bonus!!!

I wasn’t able to update my blog for days because I’ve been so busy at work…an officemate  is on leave and I’m assigned to do her work alongside mine.  One person plus a workload for two is equal to fatigue! When I come home, I’m too tired to do anything. I can hardly lift a finger due to exhaustion! Okay, okay…that is an exaggeration. But really, my day has always been packed. I can’t recall a day that I came home not tired. I have so much to do even during weekends. That is not actually a bad thing. Because my brain has been so filled up, it doesn’t have much time to think of some other things. But fortunately, I have a pretty light workload today. I finally have the luxury of time to write, so I’m seizing this day because for sure tomorrow would be hectic day again.

Generally speaking, I’m doing fine. God (as always) has been giving me constant strength to cope with my stressful life each day. Going to church and eating out on weekends are my only social life activities. Work has been tiring but tolerable. I still dislike my job, but am just trying to make the most of it. I just put myself on learning mode wherever I go.  As far as my body is telling me, my health is okay.  I have no enemies…or maybe none that I’m aware of. I continuously keep in touch with my loved ones to maintain good relationships with them. My civil status is still the same, and I prefer it to be that way for now. So all in all, I’m doing pretty well.  But my issues with sister aren’t resolved yet.  We are in speaking terms. We are not fighting but there is underlying issues between us…which I prefer not to further tackle.

I received good and bad news last week! The good news is I received a huge amount of bonus! Yehey! How much?  My salary for 2 months not included my salary for this month! So in total, I received a 3-month salary! Yehey!  BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE…The bad news is that there something terrible happened back home and they need my financial assistance… DARN! I thought I could finally buy a new laptop! It’s so strange.  I had waited for this bonus since the end of the year ’08. After 4 months of anticipating, I finally saw it on my account… then just after a day of receiving it I got that bad news from home. DARN! But what else can I do? They need my help. Hmm… learning mode…learning mode…I’m on learning mode. For the life of me I need to know what to learn from this ironic situation!

LOST IN INTERPRETATION

I have been assessing myself if I tend to read so much into things.  We all have our own interpretations of the world. We tell ourselves what things mean and what to do about them. So I’ve been asking myself if things what I deem wrong are in reality wrong or I just interpret them wrongly.

For instance, my officemates’ appeal for me the stay could be a sign of genuine friendship that I might have just gotten wrongly and interpreted as a capricious demand. But perhaps in truth, they just simply wanted me to stay that they overlooked the inappropriateness in it.

During my sophomore year in college, my psychology professor repeatedly said in the entire semester the line: Only you can hurt you. (Of course except in physical way) That statement could mean a lot, but in my interpretation is that words are mere words, and it’s us who place meaning to them. Somebody could tell us one thing but we could receive it as another. It’s really a matter of how we take in things. What we do about them lies on how interpret them. The way we respond to them depends on how we understand them.  So if we’re hurt by people (or by circumstances) it’s only because we allow them. We are responsible for our own pains because we let them creep in.

With all this, should I therefore conclude that I’m the one who hurt myself? I offered help… to the same loved one I’ve mentioned on my previous entries. In that person response said that, she appreciated my gesture but she felt that (our) another loved one will mind if she accepted my help. She said that, that another loved one wouldn’t like it if I’d help her. In my mind, why on earth would she think that? I was taken aback because she was pertaining to loved one who has been nothing but kind to us. I was just trying to help, but for some twisted reason she didn’t want to accept it because she thought another loved one won’t like it.  So I told her that it’s not good to think that way of our loved ones, and she went ballistic. She got so mad at me for reproaching her. And of course she used her forte… she said harsh words again… accusing me of judging her and all. For crying out loud, I was just trying to help! How can a person so far hurt someone closely? So now I’m thinking…am to blame for hurting this way? Or maybe, just maybe we both misinterpreted each other? I don’t know

The redundancy of the usage of loved one/s is intended.

diary entry 30: living alone

I think I’m doing better than expected. I’m not as sad as I thought I would. My life is normal as if nothing changed. I wake up and go about my typical day as usual. Everything is perfectly normal. I’m not sure… Maybe my brain just hasn’t processed what really happened.

My sister left last Thursday. And it was an exhausting day for me…I was mentally, emotionally and physically tired that day. I was even too tired to cry for my sister’s for good departure from UAE. I shed tears, of course. But not as much as she did or as much as expected…wanted. I can’t tell exactly how I felt that day. As a matter of fact, I can vaguely remember what I did after returning home alone from the airport. I only remember ridding a cab with her 35kg excess baggage with me…but aside from that, nothing.

It’s upsetting enough that my sister left, but the more upsetting part there is she left with ate bads. Unlike her, ate bads left only for a 2-week vacation. She’ll be back at the end of this month. However, I’m still left alone at the house. I’m not actually alone. Ate bads’ sister is with me. But she works during the night and we barely see each other. Besides, we don’t know each other well. She just started living with us last week. For me it’s just the same as being alone. Then again, this sadness is just transitory. I will get used to my new setup in no time.

The truth be told, I can handle living alone. I went through it before, and I can surely go through it again. I was younger then. I know my situation was different, more so easier. First off, I wasn’t in a foreign land. My lolo and pops lived in the same vicinity I was. It also helped that my other relatives were there. I had a boyfriend that time…(that didn’t help so much, though…haha) And of course, many of my friends were there. So although I was living by myself, it didn’t really feel like I was alone. And I would be lying if I say I didn’t enjoy my time alone then.

But now, I’m oceans away from home. I don’t have any close relatives nearby. I have relatives but they are in a different Emirate. I have only very few friends here. But I can manage myself. And I know God will always be with me wherever I go. Even though I’m 8hours far from my friends, I can feel still their presence. And another truth be told, I feel the need to be away for some time. Even though it’s a little hard, I should stay here for the meantime. As I said above, I can handle being alone. I don’t have a problem with that. But I have a problem with handling other things. A lot of nagging thoughts have been pestering me. I’ve tried to shrug them off but the have their way of creeping back in my mind and continue bothering my entire system.

Guilt, fear, and anger. Those are the things I’m having a hard time dealing with. I finally made a decision. I decided to protect my loved one. Either way, it’s a losing situation. No matter what I choose, I knew my guilt would hunt me. I can’t say I utterly threw away my principles. It wasn’t like that. I just became passive with the whole situation. It took so much of me to do that. Instead of standing on my grounds, I let things be. Now I’m left with my guilt pounding me. I know that choice will inevitably reap its repercussions. And that’s what I’m afraid of. I fear the unknown consequences of my action. It’s just a matter of time and it’ll surely fire back at me. In spite of all, my efforts are in vain. I’m still unappreciated. I’m angry because the person I tried to protect hurt me a lot of times and never apologized for any of those. I’d never hurt anyone on purpose, let alone any loved one. It just hurts to think that after all my efforts to make that person feel loved and looked after, that ­person still has the impudence to hurt me. I’m so angry. I know I need to forgive but don’t know how.

My guilt, fear and anger are telling me to stay here from the meantime. They convinced me that I need to distance myself for awhile. I can’t go home with so much baggage. I need time to be alone with God. I need to heal. I need to be restored. When I go back home, I leave everything behind and start a new life. While I’m not yet ready to let go, I will stay here…alone

catch 22

 

I’m a in a catch-22 situation.

 Catch-22 is a military term that became a title of a novel, and eventually became an idiom expression for a no-win situation.

Wikipedia defines it as an expression that refers to a rule, regulation, procedure or situation that creates a dilemma where no real choice exists.  Its premise is that if there was a rule, no matter what the rule is, there is always an exception to it. It probes the question of what is the right thing to do in a basic moral or social dilemma.

      I say that I’m such situation for I’m a dilemma that no real choice exists. I’m torn between my instinct to protect a loved one and my pride to stand by my principles. It seems that no matter what I choose, I’d end up severely compromising a lot. I hope that I can do right thing without harming my loved one. I hope I can protect my loved one without abandoning my values. I hope there is a way to simplify things but sadly there isn’t. Both of the choices cost so much I don’t know if I could pay the price.  I don’t know if I should just disregard my principles for the sake of sparing my loved one. I ask myself if this is an exception to rules I made for myself. I’m trapped in moral dilemma of doing a wrong thing for a right reason. My situation is past complicated. There is no way to make things meet halfway. I can’t even properly describe what I feel. I’m afraid. I’m confused. I’m distraught. I’m indignant. I’m depressed. But despite of all, I remain hopeful…or at the very least I try to. I want to cry until my eyes run out of tears. My heart is pounding so hard that I feel that it’ll explode anytime.

Lord Jesus, please hold my heart and guide my mind. Please help me endure every obstacle and pain. I can’t possibly carry on without Your love as my guiding force. Help me to see You in this situation. Please help me tread life with my eyes focused on You instead of the ragging storms. I’ve been through a lot and Your love never failed me. Help me to hold on your promise. Allow me to see You in all my circumstances. I pray that everything I’m experiencing will lead me closer to You and to becoming the person I made to be. I give to you my fears and hurts. You may be also be with my loved ones always. Thank You.

 Amen.

To my friends who know what’s going on with my life, thank you for your constant prayers. Although we’re oceans apart you guys make me feel less alone.  I praise God for wonderful people like you.

diary entry 29: recession

I had a long weekend.  There were so many things I needed to take in, chew and digest in just two days. First off, my sister was laid off. The solution to that problem is not as simple as her getting a new job. It’s needless to say that economy is worsening by the day. Finding jobs here is not that easy unlike before. Companies are shutting down left and right. In spite of that, I still think that she would eventually find a new job. However, I also think that it would take time before she does. No job, of course means no money. She worries about how she would pay her loans and credit cards. I don’t earn that much. I can only pay for her rent and food for the meantime. That’s our big problem now. The bigger is we had an argument a day after she was laid off. We exchanged harsh words and still not talking to each other to this day. I know this isn’t the right time for us not to talk to each other. We need to stick together to find ways to survive. I knew she was going through something and I should’ve just held my tongue as I always did. But I could take it no longer. It was like I exploded. I said something that she misconstrued as condescending. I didn’t regret saying it for it was the truth. I just felt so horrible for making her feel terrible because she misinterpreted what said…but I’m not sorry for what I said itself, though.

 

***

 

At the moment, I’m holding on to my faith and God’s promises.  Surprisingly I’m handling things well. I’m not as downcast as used to be whenever problem strikes. I can even laugh and greet people with a sincere smile. Maybe I haven’t fully realized the gravity of our problem yet. Maybe I’ve just grown. I don’t know.  I’m just praying hard and dealing with each problem at a time. I’m trying not to worry about what would happen to us if my sister wouldn’t find a job in 2-3 months. My mom doesn’t have a work, I’m pretty sure she’d be affected by this…my savings for my studies won’t be spared… so on and so forth. But I try to shrug those thoughts off. I don’t want to be overwhelmed such worries otherwise I’d fall apart. More than anytime, I should be strong now. With God’s help, I know I can endure this…again.  I’ll just keep on holding on to the truth that God only gives me what I can bear.

diary entry 28: over the weekend

I have lots of realizations lately. Although I wanted to narrate all of them in the most poignant way I know how to, I just can’t. I’m just not in the frame of mind to do so. It’s due to my lack of sleep. I’m too sleepy to write. I’m so sleepy that I can’t even remember the events in the past few days that I’m supposed to recount today. But I’m having daily dose of coffee now and maybe caffeine could jog my memory a bit.

 

Weekend was torture for my sister. Rumor has it; there would be another batch of employees at the company to be laid off. She said that it was to be announced last Thursday but for some reason the owner decided to torture the employees by keeping them hanging, prolonging their anxiety till this week. I’m hoping and praying that my sister isn’t included in the new batch.  I don’t want to be selfish but I know my plans of going home soon to take up my masters will be greatly affected. Worse comes to worst, I have to stand by sister. I have to be there for her. I have to support her in emotional aspect as well as the financial. But more than anything, I’m praying that God would give me strength to accept and handle whatever is going to come my way. As I told a friend, I’m more afraid of what reaction about the situation would be than

the situation itself.

 

 

***

 

It was my father’s birthday yesterday. I was able to speak with him. I have to admit, I missed him. Even though my pop is like that … (I can’t seem to put to words to  his current lifestyle) I know he loves me (us) so much. He has always treated me like a baby…both in a good and bad ways. He pampered and protected in the best ways he could… And I feel being missed so much when talking to him. I just want to write this so that I’d remember missing my pop this much.

 

***

I’ve decided that I let myself to continue being swooned by crush. Even though we barely speak to each other at the office, I don’t mind. He makes my boring day a little exciting. His presence encourages me to fix myself to look like a lady again. Hahaha. And lately, we have been having our cursory how are yous. I’m so psyched! Hahaha… Just a bit embarrassed when he catches me stealing glances at him. But as the corny saying in tagalog goes : hindi ka nya mahuhuling nakatingin kung hindi ka rin nya tinitignan. Hahaha… by the way, I’m allowing myself to be delusional too. hahaha

***

I dreamt of a friend again, this friend is not same one I wrote about on my previous entry. That was a girl friend but this time was a guy friend.  It’s very weird, more so awkward to narrate my dream about him. But for the sake of recounting I’d write it down. In my dream I told him I was in love with him, but made my self clear that I told him that just so he knew and wished not to get involved in his relationship with his girlfriend. That is very strange, because I never find him attractive, not because I don’t think he is, because he has been like a brother to me.

 

 

***

Most time I think about our business. I’m a bit agitated with what’s going on with the economy but I’m keeping my hopes up. But I’m really worried, though.

 

***

 

 

The thought of going to a study tour in Korea has been playing in my mind. I’m also praying for this. This is great opportunity for me to deepen my faith and strengthen my relationship with God. I also think this is the only time that I could afford to go to such a tour. Well. I don’t know… there is a lot to consider. I’ll keep praying about this.

***

 

About my realizations, maybe next time, I’m really not in the zone to recount those kind of things.

 

diary entry 11

Diary entry 11

 

05/22/08

  

      I’m not sure if it’s a good or bad thing… He is becoming friendlier and friendlier each time we talk…  I wanted to sort things out when I’m already there…  As much as I can I want to avoid talking about personal things with him. We talked too many personal things over YM… And this time I want to make sure to that we would end or settle things in person.     

 

We went to a bar  late in the evening… They wanted to have a drink or two… I didn’t want to go because I needed to wake up early the next day for church… but they insisted… and, as if I would drink, so I tagged along… hmm… The place was okay… It was a typical bar… most of people were puti, Briton in particular… Goodness me! How do I explain this…hehe… maybe our culture sare different… but the way we observed…medyo corny sila. Yung music, grabe, panahon pa ng lolo ko ata eh…exag…haha… pero yung music luma na talaga, elementary pa ako nun eh… haha… tas, yung sayaw nila, kakaiba rin. haha… but I enjoyed it…I didn’t drink though… but I danced as if I did… haha…maybe I missed partying! It was a lot of fun actually… Being there made me think of something… I write on new entry…

 

05/23/08

 

       Without sacrifice there would be n0 success.  If I want to move forward…If I want to grow…If I want to win…  I must be willing to get out of my comfort zone over and over again…I must be brave  to take bigger and bolder steps.

 

05/24/08

 

    It’s the first weekend that my sister and I didn’t quarrel… Well, almost… hmm… we had small argument on something few minutes before we went to bed… it wasn’t my fault…and I swear I didn’t start it… I think I never did…pero lagi akong pumapatol… that’s the problem with me… I can’t hold back my impulse. I know it’s normal for siblings to squabble once in a while… I just think that we’re too old for those kinds of petty things… we’re close naman. We tell each other our problems… we share our thoughts… we seek advices from each other… we are always ready when one of us needs help. Pero there is something… I can really pinpoint what it is…pero this is something…would I bother to write it here on my blog if I don’t find it a bit disturbing?

 

05/25/08

   My housemates’ panicky voices woke me up… they were yelling “Sunog! Sunog! Magsibaba kayo!” … Fresh from the bathroom, my sister told me to get up and bring important things as she clothed herself. I was half awake/asleep so I wasn’t sure what to bring. I took all my important documents from the drawer and put them in my bodybag along with my cellphone and wallet… I took my towel…went to bathroom to take a leak, and slide on my slippers … The smell of the smoke got in my nostril… I could tell it was the smell of burning wires or cables… we took the stairs of course… Outside, several firemen truck, police cars were there… Lots of people were outside… Some, like me, were still on their PJs, some were dripping wet with towels on their heads, some were in their office attire already, and some were cranky, obviously interrupted from their sleep… Thoughts rushed in my heads… This incident made think of many things… (I’m just going to write about them next time…) Surprisingly, after less than 10 minutes, firemen declared the it was safe to come in… hmmm…my sister and friend were nervous… they were thinking of not going to the office just to stay put and see if there something bad would happen…as for me.. I decided not to stay… not because I wanted so badly to go to work…heck! As if that would ever happen! I just thought it was safe already…and besides, an officemate is on leave and I’m in charged for her work… I needed to be there…argh! I resented it though!

In the evening, my sister and I went to our new flat…it’s a few blocks from our place now… the building is new… the flat is spacious…

 

 

TODAY:

 

  I don’t know how long I can last my job… for the nth time, I am grateful to have one…but would it be so great that I do something that I’m good at… I do something that I’m passionate about… My job is as easy as eating peanuts… Plus, I have lots of time to personal stuff…(because my work load is not heavy)… but I really, really don’t like it here… I want to have a work that has to with my forte… something I have vast knowledge about… something challenging… something I enjoy… and the presence of my officemates constantly reminds me how my job sucks…

 

 

Hmmm… early this morning…Ate and I had a misunderstanding…Miscommunication…as always… I do want to think that it’s my fault…trust me, I do…but it’s not…most of the time it’s not…

diary entry 10

05/14/08

 

  I called my mom. I asked her about what happened to the business that she was planning, she said that she hasn’t thought of anything yet…It’s been two months since she went back home… she hasn’t started anything yet. Upon hearing that, I felt so disappointed… I was upset. My voice became cold… I didn’t want to hear more of her same-old stories, so I put down the phone even though it seemed she wanted to tell me something. After a few minutes, I felt more disappointed… I was so disappointed in myself in the way I spoken with her. So I called her again just to tell her I love her and reminded her to take care of herself.

 

05/15/08

 

What has happened to me? I thought I was changing for the better but it seems as time goes by, I’m becoming someone I don’t like. Is it just a phase?  Is it part of the process?

 

05/16/08

 

Ptra. Jane is  back!

 

She reminded me to hold on, keep the faith, and just continue to journey…

 

Sometime, I really don’t know what to do with my sister… we argue even over trivial things… it’s so exhausting…

 

 

 

05/17/08

 

 For over a month now… my sister and I have been consistently disagreeing about…anything and everything under the scorching heat of UAE’s sun… Arguing suddenly part of our weekend routine. My weekend will not conclude without me shedding tears.

 

      It’s easier to blame her…she’s 5yrs older than me… she should be the one who’s more mature…more patient…more resilient… It’s easier to not take it personally, considering she has been harsh to anyone and everyone who gets in her nerves… when I say everyone…that includes… our parents…relatives… her friends… me…my friends… anyone…

 

I’m hurt. She doesn’t have a hint how much pain she’s been causing me. She isn’t a bad person, and I know that… ( or I tell myself that… ) I know that I hurt her too… and I truly am sorry.

 

Ate,

 

    You hurt me so much when you mock my plans and goals. I have enough discouragements around me, I don’t need more from you. You hurt me every time you implicitly tell me that I’m selfish for desiring to pursue my dreams. You chose this kind of life, you chose to be practical…  if you think I’m being an idiot for wanting a not lucrative job, that is your opinion, and I respect that… but please also respect mine…  If you didn’t chase your dreams, please allow me to chase mine. Stop telling me that you’ve been only trying to be a good daughter, so you chose to stay here…so what does that make me, a bad daughter? Bad daughter for what? For going against the tides? Pagiging masamang anak  ba ang pagkakaroon ng  sariling pangarap?  Ate, it’s never too late… You have to fight for what you want to do in your life… That’s your life.

 

Hindi ako madamot.  Ano pa ba ang gusto mong ibigay ko? Ano pa ang kulang sa ginagawa ko? Alam mo ba na ikaw ang dahilan kung bakit ako nagtitiyaga dito? Tapos sasabihin mo magsosolo ka na lang at bahala kame? I had the chance to go back home, but I stayed…why? For you!

 

 When will this end? It has to stop with us. I know you love me but having a hard time showing it… you don’t have to tell me why because I do understand…  I know how difficult your childhood was… I saw everything… I was there… I know how it affected you…that is why I’ve been holding back the demon in me not to hurt you back… If I weren’t a believer, malala pa ako sa’yo. Learn to forgive. Don’t let your bitter past swallow you up. I’m here. I love you. God is here. He loves you more than you can ever comprehend. Take his hand. He is waiting for you…

 

TODAY

     I arrived at the office late…thanks to our driver who seems to be  a former memorial service driver… As always…irritation started my day… This is the reason why don’t want to go back home just yet…I’ve been annoyed… angry…tired… that if I have a taste of life at home, I may dread  coming back here…

 

 

 

 

diary entry 7

04/25/08

Church day. I arrived there early again. had lunch at home. Went to Dragon Mall with my officemates. I didn’t buy anything. They said I had such good sense of control… hehe… maybe…but nothing caught my attention at the mall that was why I didn’t buy anything. In the evening, I called a friend. We ate dinner at KFC. Afterwards, she bought me a new cell phone…she didn’t really buy it for me…I used her credit card because I had to. Well, I won’t use it yet… until I have money to pay for it… Before I slept, I went online. I was able to chat with him again. But I cut our conversation when he told me that he missed me. I didn’t want him to get too comfortable with me again.

04/26/08

As usual, I just stayed home. As usual, we had a little argument again. Good thing, I was chatting with a friend online while we were having an argument… my friend kept me calm… There wasn’t any loud talk… just the usual, she’s-right-and-I’m-wrong kind of conversation. But of course, there was the usual shed of unseen tears happened…I felt so pressured… I felt that they expect me to give more than I’m capable of! I sometimes wonder, when will I ever be good enough? What else do I have to do?

We went to the grocery in the evening… I accidentally the dropped my old cellphone…after so many months of having it without dropping or scratching it! now… argh! the loud speaker isn’t working…it’s not ringing… but I can hear music through headset, though…hehe…maybe I should use my new one…but I will have this fixed first…

04/27/08

I wasn’t in a good mood. Everyone and anything seemed to irritate me easily. The Chikadoro succeed again in annoying us again! He moved to another house… well we don’t care about that…heck, he can move to Timbuktu if he wants to! For all we care! Our problem is that his relocation of home means to us… taking different route… a route which will take us more time to get home…a route that leads to terrible, terrible traffic! Worse is, he hasn’t changed. He is still the cause of delay, being the one who makes us wait everyday…and be the one who causes us to go out of our way! The reason we get to go home so late! Argh!

diary entry 3

Again, again…

Every time my sister and I argue, my instant impulse is to take the earliest flight back home. Hehe… I know… I know… it’s bad. But I’m just being honest with what I feel. I do love my sister of course. I’m sure she loves me too. She’s a good ate. She took care of me when we were kids (she still does). Now we’re older, we consider each other as friends. She seems to be a grumpy person…maybe she really is, but not to her family. Like any other siblings; she has good sides…and of course bad sides too! She can be so unreasonable sometimes. She is frank…brutally frank… She’ll say whatever she wants to say. It’s a known fact to all of us who know her na masakit sya magsalita. She knows and admits that. She can be cruelly harsh when she’s angry. And I don’t appreciate her choice of words… Some of my close friends think (so does my ate) that, I’m patient when it comes to dealing with people…I really don’t think that I am, though… Pero para s’ken kung kayang pag pasensyahan, sige lang. But when I had it…I really had it!

The main reason why left was them (my mama and ate… My father didn’t want me to leave)… Even though I didn’t want to; I still went ahead because of them. I considered that my sister had been alone here long enough and she could use my companion. Shempre, pinagbigyan ko lang talaga sila. At the very least I won’t have regrets for not trying someday. Now that I’m here…I kinda don’t like it here…hehe… the reason why I’m staying here in spite of the fact that I’m on the verge of having an emotional breakdown anytime, is her. Yes, I still have things settle here, but I can settle them even if I’m in the Philippines. I do have an option to go home and just settle them there. It may take much longer of course, but the fact remains that I can pay them even if I’m already back home. I can still even support my mom. Mahirap shempre, pero pwede. Even if I have that option, I’m still not choosing it, because I know my sister needs me (not just in financial aspect but in others too). I can be more at help if I’m here… Choosing to stay here isn’t easy. There were prices I paid for staying here. It cost me heartbreak and frustration. There were a lot of things I needed to give up. I needed to set aside important things in MY life, including my dreams. I don’t need a round of applause for all of my efforts, much less to be put on pedestal… Appreciation is enough. Hindi ako nanunumbat. I believe in my heart that they do appreciate me. I believe that a sacrifice made for your family is never wasted. Hardships experienced for (or with) your family is always worth it. I love my family so much. Basta kaya ko, gagawin ko. I’m only human, and I’m entitled to having doubts… Sometimes I doubt if all was really worth it. Sometimes I doubt if I made the right decision…because sometimes she says things that make me feel not needed…she has her way of making me feel that I haven’t done anything good for our family… and that makes want to leave at any chance I’ll get. Why stay in a place that you don’t want to be? Why stay with someone who doesn’t need and appreciate you?