diary entry 23: get over it and learn from it

 

I recently learned one of the greatest lessons in my adult life that is because I just committed a grave mistake! Maybe turning down the job offer last week wasn’t a great idea. I realized that it was a mistake. Maybe I was so emotional about it. It was a great opportunity that I didn’t grab. I had my reasons then of course, but it seems to me now that those reasons became unreasonable.  I can’t help to ask myself what the heck I was thinking. But it’s too late. Oh well, people make mistakes… I am people and therefore, I make mistakes! Ha-ha… what a lame validation! But to in fairness to me, I somehow felt that I was about to make a wrong move. I didn’t intentionally make it though, but a part of me doubted my decision. Then again, my instinct took the best of me. Something held me back. And I was under the belief that accepting it would mean settling for less….blah! Blah! Blah!  Who am I kidding?! I made a mistake. It’s in the past tense. I may be upset about it, but it’s a thing of the past already and I can no longer do anything about it. So why cry over the spilt milk, huh? It’s done. Get over it! Learn from it!

 

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I realized that I have been too wrapped up with the things that I want that I overlook what God wants. I almost fail to see that God, like our parents, He always looks after His children and who only wants the best for them. Like our folks, we sometimes don’t understand what they’re doing, and most of the time they seem to be unfair and unreasonable, but at the end of the day we realize that they’re only trying to do what they think the best for us. Even if I do not understand now why these things happen to me, I know sooner or later His purposes would unfold. But as for now, I pray that my heart will remain still, that no matter what happens my heart will keep on trusting Him. I may not know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future.

 

 

 

diary entry 22: can’t carry on

I’m neither sadist nor masochist but I feel like inflicting pain on myself! I want to whack myself right now! I can’t make up my mind. My mind changes every minute! It’s so annoying! It’s driving me nuts! It’s not typically me to be hesitant about things. Usually when I made up mind, there’s no turning back, I would just face any consequences of my decision. But with this one, I really can’t decide. I’m scared to make any decision because I don’t know if I can live with the consequences that it will entail. I’m so desperate to get out of my job. But I don’t want desperation to drive me out of here… primarily because desperation itself propelled me to stay here in first place. I just don’t want to commit the same mistake. I’m trying to be careful this time…trying to make things right. Of course, I’m letting God to intervene. But honestly, I can’t hear Him. And I know this has a lot to do with me than with Him. I’m pretty sure that He is doing His job. And it’s me who cannot seem to hear what He is really trying to tell me. Perhaps there’s an area in my life that needs reexamining and perhaps, surrendering. I’m so confused. Should I keep on fighting or just quit. I’m running out of money and more so, time.  I’m anxious, scared and exhausted. I’m starting to doubt myself. Maybe I’m not as brave as I thought to be. Maybe I’m not exactly the person that I thought I am…the person who takes risks, the person who dares to fight, and the person who doesn’t easily get discouraged.  I don’t know what to think or do anymore. I’m on the verge of giving up. I’m losing hope each day. Instead of growing, I feel I’m deteriorating. I didn’t gamble so much just to lose. I set aside my dreams with the hope that they eventually be realized. I left my family because I thought this would be the best for us. I broke the heart of the love of my life for choosing to be here rather than with him. I’ve been living a life without my real friends around because I have to stay here. I didn’t leave home and everything behind for nothing. I’ve come so far. I’ve given up so much. I’ve spent a lot of effort not to mention time getting to where I am. All my hurts and sacrifices will be in vain if I quit. If I give up now, it will be like I have suffered for nothing. I don’t want to put to waste everything I’ve been through. I want to fight but I no longer know if I can still carry on…

ganon talaga

I think one of the gravest truths in life that needed to be grasped is that there are certain things that we can only do so much. There are things we can never change. There are things that we can never understand. There are things that we can never find. There are things are simply the way they are, period. In Filipino, ganon talaga. No matter how we slice and dice them, ganon talaga. As we grow old we realize that there are things out of our hands. And it takes an immense amount of maturity to accept that.  I think my point is better conveyed in Filipino… Minsan talaga may mga bagay na sadyang wala tayong magagawa eh. May mga katanungan tayo na wala talagang sagot…bakit? Kasi ganon talaga eh. Mahirap ipaliwanag kasi wala naman talagang paliwanag. Kahit sumigaw o mag-amok pa man tayo, may mga bagay talagang hindi naten kontrolado at mababago, at kailangan lang tanggapin kasi nga, ganon talaga. Mahirap maunawaan pero ganon talaga

diary entry 21: my indecisiveness

My indecisiveness is not caused by utter fickle-mindedness, but fear. Yesterday, I couldn’t be surer Now, I can’t be more confused.

 

Last week, I received a job offer that I finally liked, from a company that I had a good vibe about. But inasmuch as I wanted that job, I decided not accept it. After a year of whining about how everything about my current work sucks, after endless ranting has been written here, after complaining how miserable I’ve been here, turning down this new job is crazy. I must be stupid other might think. Well, on the contrary, I’m trying to play this smart. I still have my sanity that’s why I thought of declining it.

 

It’s was not an easy decision to make especially when it passed my checklist. Job description: check. Compensation: check. Industry: check. Yearly free 2 way ticket: check. Career growth: check. Good work environment: check. Boss: check! Company: check. But there was one thing that held me back… The contract states: “in an event the employee leaves the company prior to the completion of 2 years, the company shall be allowed to recover all visas and work permits costs from the employee”.  I’m not the kind of employee who jumps from one job to another endlessly. I’m quite the opposite. I think I’m kind of employee who stays. I want to establish a career in a certain company. However, I’m not in my country so I should be careful in committing to a company because that would mean staying longer in this foreign land. I don’t what will happen to me in the future. I don’t know whether I still will be here or not in the next two years… And I don’t want to know that…yet. I want time to tell me what’s gonna happen next. I don’t want to decide on my own. What if I want to go back home next year? What if a dream job comes along? I don’t want a contract to dictate where I would be in the next two years. I have an option just to go back home without their permission, but I’m not like that. And it would be so expensive to pay them back what I cost them. So, I thought not to take this… but then again, desperation knocks… fear envelops me. What if I don’t find a new job by the December? I would be stuck here! Oh dear! That’s my nightmare. And that’s what making doubt my decision. I thought I was being brave and smart… right now, I feel I’m being unreasonable and plain stupid for possibly letting an opportunity slip away… I don’t know…