diary entry 27: i dreamt about a friend

 

The other night I dreamt of a friend. The setting of my dream was back home, present time. In my dream, she wanted to talk to me so she invited me to a dinner at a fancy restaurant. I ran a bit late because I had to buy something first. Anyhow, so I found my way to the resto, I came inside and looked for her, she waved her hands, I saw her, and sat down beside her. We ordered plenty of food.  When the food arrived seconds later, I asked her what the occasion was. She told me that in inaudible voice that she got married. Instead of being happy for her, I got so upset. I was so upset that I cried. I went ballistic, actually! Sobbingly, I asked her why she did it, why she married that guy! She blatantly answered me that she loved him…and then I cried even more. Hahaha…but seriously, when I woke up, I was still upset. It felt so real. My subconscious was showing me one of my worst fears. I know my friend doesn’t intend to marry this guy…not yet, but she is confused whether she should be with him or not…again.  I love my friends and naturally, I want them to be happy. I’m not the type of friend who tells my friends what they should or shouldn’t do with their lives…hmm…unless they ask me to! Hahaha… I mean, I don’t usually give unsolicited advices. But if I see my friends on the verge of committing the gravest mistake of their lives, that is when I intervene… However, this rarely happens. I’m far from being perfect. I myself have made handful of mistakes too. Since I don’t know the guy my friend thinks she’s in love with, I’m not qualified to judge him. On the other hand, I don’t have to get to know him to know that he isn’t good enough for her. She is such a loyal friend to her friends…a good daughter to her parents, a dependable sister to her siblings, a loving aunt to her nieces and nephews, hardworking employee… a decent lady, and above all, she is a child of God. She is a good person through and through. And I hope she sees that.

 

***

I spend the weekend with my aunt. She and her Swiss boyfriend were here for a business conference. They went to Manila for several days first and then here for several days too. It was her boyfriend’s birthday, so we went for a desert safari adventure. There were six of us, a Mexican lady and German man, apparently a couple and friends of theirs. It was fun spending the day with them. Desert safari wasn’t new to us, but still we enjoyed ourselves. But we felt a bit guilty because our aunt only invented me and my sister when she has other relatives here…relatives who hoped to see her. My aunt reasoned that it was her beau’s treat that’s why she wasn’t in the position to invite as many people as she pleased. Since we’re her closest relatives here she only asked us to come.

 

***

I’m trying to curtail my increasing attraction to crush. Last week, I barely looked at him. I made it to a point that I wouldn’t be where he would.  And I angled my chair to a direction where I wouldn’t catch a single glance of him. I felt so sidetracked when he’s around. Why wouldn’t I be, he is distractingly good-looking with an interesting personality! But, I decided last week that I would no longer nurture this attraction. I’m not very successful, though. I had lasted a week without a fleeting look of him…but yesterday I indulged myself to a treat of smiling back at him…It felt amazing! But that was it. That would be the last time I let myself that indulgence.  I can’t afford to be distracted, not even by a petty crush on someone.  I hope this is the last time I would be writing about him.

wonderment, opinion, etc…

 

I resent the fact that I’m most ‘inspired’ to blog when angry or sad. My entries here are mostly about my rage and frustrations that they make me seem a self-absorbed person — which I’m not. The world doesn’t revolve around me and it never will. There are so many things I want to put across other than my rants. I’m curious enough to examine things. I care about what’s going around me. I have strong opinions on different global issues. Like the US economic slump which media narrowed down its cause into things such as cooperate greed, opaqueness, policy implementation failure, etc. But in my opinion its cause is plainly greed and other factors are merely results. If there was no greed, there would be transparency and success in implementing policies. Same with the problem in my country where people always blame the government for everything bad occurrence without realizing that the government only reflects who we are as citizens. Most Pinoys think that corruption is the cause of our problem, but I don’t think so. Nearly all Pinoys lack ‘sense of nation’, meaning we don’t love our country. We don’t see that corruption is merely a byproduct of not loving our country.

 

I rejoice when great people change history. I was way past joyful when first African-American Barack Obama won the US election.  I was overwhelmed when I watched his inauguration day. Although I think he didn’t deliver his speech as well as he did in the past, but it didn’t matter because his speech was so poignant that it brought tears in my eyes. Moreover, I get affected when terrible events happen. Malaria breakout and war in Gaza saddened, more so appalled me.

 

I’m not intelligent yet I’m smart enough to question the world around me. I question why some people make finding the ‘one’ their ultimate goal in life, thinking it could give them meaning. I wonder why people work their butt off all their lives only to enjoy what they earned on their retirement when they barely have the strength to do so. I don’t understand why parents have favoritism among their children considering these children all came from them anyway.  I wonder why people who have different belief system are deemed weird. I wonder why people with deep convictions or strong values are called old fashioned.

 

 I’m generally not a conformist. I want to tell unique stories to my grandchildren someday. I don’t want to be a typical overseas worker who left her country just for money. I try to be different even others criticize me. I would still pursue a career not financially profitable yet I deem rewarding. I try to defy norms that I don’t agree with. Women can be protector as men can be nurturer. I go against stereotypes. I believe that some women are interested in cars, and some men enjoy love stories.  I refuse to be pegged. People don’t get to tell me who I am or not. I’m a Filipino… I’m a child of God like everyone else on earth, I am no less than any nationality and have equal rights and claim.

 

I believe in God. I believe in heaven and hell. I believe that love is the reason I’m here. I believe that serving your purpose in life is the only way to find genuine happiness.

diary entry 26: thy name

There hasn’t been any outcome from our prospective business. It’s been stagnant since the holidays. Expectedly so, we haven’t sent the business proposal to our investors. We’ve been quite busy lately.  But our goal is to send it sooner before investors completely change their mind considering the economic meltdown and all. While I’m at that…I’m starting to get worried. With the recession going on, it’s common to be anxious about losing one’s job. But as for me, I don’t fear losing this job…for myself. As I always say that if I were only thinking of my sake, I would have resigned along time ago. But I’m somewhat agitated by its thought for my mom. I’m worried how this could affect her.

Apparently, I’m not the only one who fancies my crush. It turned out that, ladies from work are also mesmerized by his charm. That’s not surprising, though. Who would not be attracted to a tall young handsome blue eyed guy who is at the same time talented and intelligent? Oh well, there’s nothing else to write about him. We barely speak with each other nowadays. We haven’t really had an actual conversation before. But there was always an exchange of casual hellos and how are yous when we ran into each other at the pantry. And I remember a couple of months ago when he was just starting here, I was the one he frequently approached when he had a question or needed something. But now, not even a word. Lately, instead of directly coming up to me, he just relays his message for me to the officeboy. That’s fine, really. But when I’m just a few feet away and can audibly hear him, that’s a little odd. I’m thinking maybe he took offense from my comment weeks before. But that can’t be, as far as I know it’s not of their culture to make a big deal over trivial matters, let alone ‘rubbish’ comments. I don’t know…Perhaps he is just too lazy to stand up and approach me. Well in truth, it doesn’t matter to me if he talks to me or not. Workplace feels less hellish to me since he came.  And I’m fine with simply seeing him around. Besides, I don’t have any intention to act on it. I’m careful on how I act around people from different race because I don’t only represent myself but also my country…I don’t want to add up to the number of pinoys here who tarnish the name of our already disreputable country. Moreover, my feet are on the ground, I know someone as breathtaking as he is wouldn’t notice an average girl like me. The possibility of that is as low as the chances of snowing in the Philippines. I’m like repeating lines from a romance novel again!

The live-in-girlfriend of my ex has been named. Weirdly enough, her name is what mother was supposed to give me. Anyway, in turned out, a friend of mine knows her.  She gave a bit details about her. I didn’t bother to ask any further. I already knew what I have to know. At the beginning when another friend of mine first told me about it, I was a little doubtful. But now when it is already the two of them…I’m fully convinced that in deed he moved on rather quickly. I don’t have a problem with that. I myself have moved as well. But knowing that the person who professed to love you and wanted you to stay had moved on so fast after you left, raises a lot of questions…ah never mind! I just wish him well.  It’s nice to know that I made the best decision after all.