mask

     

        When we were growing up, our experiences in lives, our successes and failures and how people treated us contribute in the way we see ourselves at present.  If as children, we were constantly compared to others, we were repeatedly told that we weren’t good enough, or were harshly criticized for being ourselves, thick layers of doubt and insecurity could cloud the way we see ourselves.  As we grew old, our doubts and insecurities grew as well. As a result, our feelings and thoughts about ourselves fluctuated, developing more and more fears in us. Because of this, most of us developed a protective mask to hide our fears and insecurities from others…sometimes even from ourselves. Outwardly we may appear confident and content, but deep inside most of us carry loads of unhappiness about who we are and secretly wishing we were somebody else. We act happy and successful, but are really terrified of failure. We wear our masks for the constant fear we would be ‘found out’.

     I know it’s not easy to remove this mask. It takes courage to accept our deep-rooted weaknesses and fears. And sometimes, it takes a very long time to do so. It’s hard but not impossible. Inasmuch as we hate ourselves, I believe we were intended to be exactly the way we are. Clichéd as it is, we are all special in our own ways… Sadly, most of us fail to realize that. How do we expect others to accept us if we ourselves cannot? Instead of denying or hiding our fears and insecurities, we must face them. Get to know, accept and love ourselves. We must cultivate our ability to assess ourselves accurately and still be able to accept ourselves unconditionally. Learn to acknowledge our strengths, and accept our weaknesses as a part of being human. Make amends. Forgive others. Forgive ourselves. Ask God for guidance as we explore our inner selves. Bear in mind that we are all special in God’s eyes. We are fearfully and wonderfully made.

 

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
       your works are wonderful,
       I know that full well.”  Psalm 139: 14

 

diary entry 11

Diary entry 11

 

05/22/08

  

      I’m not sure if it’s a good or bad thing… He is becoming friendlier and friendlier each time we talk…  I wanted to sort things out when I’m already there…  As much as I can I want to avoid talking about personal things with him. We talked too many personal things over YM… And this time I want to make sure to that we would end or settle things in person.     

 

We went to a bar  late in the evening… They wanted to have a drink or two… I didn’t want to go because I needed to wake up early the next day for church… but they insisted… and, as if I would drink, so I tagged along… hmm… The place was okay… It was a typical bar… most of people were puti, Briton in particular… Goodness me! How do I explain this…hehe… maybe our culture sare different… but the way we observed…medyo corny sila. Yung music, grabe, panahon pa ng lolo ko ata eh…exag…haha… pero yung music luma na talaga, elementary pa ako nun eh… haha… tas, yung sayaw nila, kakaiba rin. haha… but I enjoyed it…I didn’t drink though… but I danced as if I did… haha…maybe I missed partying! It was a lot of fun actually… Being there made me think of something… I write on new entry…

 

05/23/08

 

       Without sacrifice there would be n0 success.  If I want to move forward…If I want to grow…If I want to win…  I must be willing to get out of my comfort zone over and over again…I must be brave  to take bigger and bolder steps.

 

05/24/08

 

    It’s the first weekend that my sister and I didn’t quarrel… Well, almost… hmm… we had small argument on something few minutes before we went to bed… it wasn’t my fault…and I swear I didn’t start it… I think I never did…pero lagi akong pumapatol… that’s the problem with me… I can’t hold back my impulse. I know it’s normal for siblings to squabble once in a while… I just think that we’re too old for those kinds of petty things… we’re close naman. We tell each other our problems… we share our thoughts… we seek advices from each other… we are always ready when one of us needs help. Pero there is something… I can really pinpoint what it is…pero this is something…would I bother to write it here on my blog if I don’t find it a bit disturbing?

 

05/25/08

   My housemates’ panicky voices woke me up… they were yelling “Sunog! Sunog! Magsibaba kayo!” … Fresh from the bathroom, my sister told me to get up and bring important things as she clothed herself. I was half awake/asleep so I wasn’t sure what to bring. I took all my important documents from the drawer and put them in my bodybag along with my cellphone and wallet… I took my towel…went to bathroom to take a leak, and slide on my slippers … The smell of the smoke got in my nostril… I could tell it was the smell of burning wires or cables… we took the stairs of course… Outside, several firemen truck, police cars were there… Lots of people were outside… Some, like me, were still on their PJs, some were dripping wet with towels on their heads, some were in their office attire already, and some were cranky, obviously interrupted from their sleep… Thoughts rushed in my heads… This incident made think of many things… (I’m just going to write about them next time…) Surprisingly, after less than 10 minutes, firemen declared the it was safe to come in… hmmm…my sister and friend were nervous… they were thinking of not going to the office just to stay put and see if there something bad would happen…as for me.. I decided not to stay… not because I wanted so badly to go to work…heck! As if that would ever happen! I just thought it was safe already…and besides, an officemate is on leave and I’m in charged for her work… I needed to be there…argh! I resented it though!

In the evening, my sister and I went to our new flat…it’s a few blocks from our place now… the building is new… the flat is spacious…

 

 

TODAY:

 

  I don’t know how long I can last my job… for the nth time, I am grateful to have one…but would it be so great that I do something that I’m good at… I do something that I’m passionate about… My job is as easy as eating peanuts… Plus, I have lots of time to personal stuff…(because my work load is not heavy)… but I really, really don’t like it here… I want to have a work that has to with my forte… something I have vast knowledge about… something challenging… something I enjoy… and the presence of my officemates constantly reminds me how my job sucks…

 

 

Hmmm… early this morning…Ate and I had a misunderstanding…Miscommunication…as always… I do want to think that it’s my fault…trust me, I do…but it’s not…most of the time it’s not…

emotions

     

     My journey here in Dubai has been very challenging for me. It is probably the toughest chapter of my early adult life. It feels like I’ve been riding non-stop on a roller-coaster of emotions. Emotions that range from happy to angry; from anxious to enthusiastic; from wretched to refreshed and lot, lot more…  There are days when I feel perfectly fine, like there’s nothing can crush my spirit, but there are also times when depression creeps in and then leaves me feeling miserable.  

         Being a human, I don’t repress my emotions… I allow myself succumb to anger, frustration, depression etc. Being a believer, I have this habit of rebuking myself… I remind myself that God is in control… I encourage myself not to lose hope… I coach myself to keep on dreaming while I may… I used to think that yielding to negative emotions is sign of lack of faith… But as I mature, I realized that is just mere sign of being human. Just because you’re a Christian doesn’t mean you’re a negative emotion repellant. The important thing is to have the right perspective in handling negative emotions so that you won’t be consumed by them, allowing God to use them to purify you.

     Being on this rollercoaster has been exhausting… however, it has been also rewarding. If there is one thing this rollercoaster has given me that would be a better appreciation of things. I’m grateful that I have a life that hurts me, pains me, makes laugh or cry or angry, because all my emotions can be ripe materials for stories… stories that can move other people… people who might need them at a particular moment in their life.

     I cry. I laugh.  I cope. I learn. I move forward. And then I cry again. It’s a rollercoaster. I’ll just try to enjoy the ride

 

diary entry 10

05/14/08

 

  I called my mom. I asked her about what happened to the business that she was planning, she said that she hasn’t thought of anything yet…It’s been two months since she went back home… she hasn’t started anything yet. Upon hearing that, I felt so disappointed… I was upset. My voice became cold… I didn’t want to hear more of her same-old stories, so I put down the phone even though it seemed she wanted to tell me something. After a few minutes, I felt more disappointed… I was so disappointed in myself in the way I spoken with her. So I called her again just to tell her I love her and reminded her to take care of herself.

 

05/15/08

 

What has happened to me? I thought I was changing for the better but it seems as time goes by, I’m becoming someone I don’t like. Is it just a phase?  Is it part of the process?

 

05/16/08

 

Ptra. Jane is  back!

 

She reminded me to hold on, keep the faith, and just continue to journey…

 

Sometime, I really don’t know what to do with my sister… we argue even over trivial things… it’s so exhausting…

 

 

 

05/17/08

 

 For over a month now… my sister and I have been consistently disagreeing about…anything and everything under the scorching heat of UAE’s sun… Arguing suddenly part of our weekend routine. My weekend will not conclude without me shedding tears.

 

      It’s easier to blame her…she’s 5yrs older than me… she should be the one who’s more mature…more patient…more resilient… It’s easier to not take it personally, considering she has been harsh to anyone and everyone who gets in her nerves… when I say everyone…that includes… our parents…relatives… her friends… me…my friends… anyone…

 

I’m hurt. She doesn’t have a hint how much pain she’s been causing me. She isn’t a bad person, and I know that… ( or I tell myself that… ) I know that I hurt her too… and I truly am sorry.

 

Ate,

 

    You hurt me so much when you mock my plans and goals. I have enough discouragements around me, I don’t need more from you. You hurt me every time you implicitly tell me that I’m selfish for desiring to pursue my dreams. You chose this kind of life, you chose to be practical…  if you think I’m being an idiot for wanting a not lucrative job, that is your opinion, and I respect that… but please also respect mine…  If you didn’t chase your dreams, please allow me to chase mine. Stop telling me that you’ve been only trying to be a good daughter, so you chose to stay here…so what does that make me, a bad daughter? Bad daughter for what? For going against the tides? Pagiging masamang anak  ba ang pagkakaroon ng  sariling pangarap?  Ate, it’s never too late… You have to fight for what you want to do in your life… That’s your life.

 

Hindi ako madamot.  Ano pa ba ang gusto mong ibigay ko? Ano pa ang kulang sa ginagawa ko? Alam mo ba na ikaw ang dahilan kung bakit ako nagtitiyaga dito? Tapos sasabihin mo magsosolo ka na lang at bahala kame? I had the chance to go back home, but I stayed…why? For you!

 

 When will this end? It has to stop with us. I know you love me but having a hard time showing it… you don’t have to tell me why because I do understand…  I know how difficult your childhood was… I saw everything… I was there… I know how it affected you…that is why I’ve been holding back the demon in me not to hurt you back… If I weren’t a believer, malala pa ako sa’yo. Learn to forgive. Don’t let your bitter past swallow you up. I’m here. I love you. God is here. He loves you more than you can ever comprehend. Take his hand. He is waiting for you…

 

TODAY

     I arrived at the office late…thanks to our driver who seems to be  a former memorial service driver… As always…irritation started my day… This is the reason why don’t want to go back home just yet…I’ve been annoyed… angry…tired… that if I have a taste of life at home, I may dread  coming back here…

 

 

 

 

have i?

Have I been looking at my circumstances negatively?

Have I been complaining too often?

Have I been so unappreciative?

Have I been seeing my glass of water as half empty instead of half full?

Have I been a walking contradiction of what I always believed in?

Have I been dealing with my issues wrongly?

Have I been so impatient?

Have I been ill-tempered?

Have I been real mean to others? Have I been selfish?

Have I not been fully trusting God?

diary entry 9

05/08/08

The complexity of relationships is a mystery to me. Relationships involve a lot of work. When I say relationships I’m not just pertaining to the romantic relationships…but also to familial and platonic ones. All kinds of relationships are complicated. You have to make a connection with someone to start one. You must share a part of yourself to create a bond. You have to invest effort and time to deepen it. Sometimes, too much time spent with each other can cut the tie between two people. I really think that sometimes you have to keep a degree of distance to sustain any kind of relationship. Sometimes, it is really important to maintain a certain amount of space between two people. Too much time spend with anyone can also damage your relationship with him/her. It’s important to have boundaries.

Boundaries. I think I need that…

05/09/08

I thank God for another privilege to go to Church. I almost didn’t make it on time.

I had time to use the internet for hours. I did researches. Chatted with friends. Checked people’s blogs and friendster/facebook profiles… I wanted to catch up with the lives of people I’ve known for years…I wanted to know things like, who’s successful in his/her chosen field, who’s married, who already has kids, who’s working, who remains a burden to the society, who’s abroad, who’s making something great out his/her life…and who’s making his/her life miserable…

some surprised me…some disappointed me…some shocked me…some even depressed me…

They got me thinking if they’re happy with their lives… if they’re proud of what they’ve become… if they are satisfied of what they are…

05/10/08

Whatever you do, never…as in never give in to your anger! Whatever you want to say when you’re mad, hold it! You don’t probably mean it, and if you do… and would surely regret it!

I was surprise (not in a good way) on how I reacted… I should’ve kept my mouth shut. I shouldn’t have spoken a word. Whether I was right or wrong, it was better if I didn’t say anything at all. I really hated myself! How could I have been so immature? Argh!

HOW TO DEAL WITH IRRITATING PEOPLE

   How to avoid blowing your stack with someone who pushes your buttons? That is exactly my question. You know who they are – those people who constantly irritate you …people you constantly interact with; like coworkers, neighbors, flatmates… friends or friends of your friends or even family members… sometimes they’re the people you just see regularly at public places like in groceries… or whoever gets into your nerves… whoever they may be… No matter how much they annoy you, Be strong… Control your rage. Don’t lose your temper. Overcome that urge to punch him/her! You’re just gonna end up hurting your fist…  Don’t let anyone who annoys you see that s/he gets to you… The more s/he sees that he can push your button, the more s/he would try to annoy you… with so much sign of irritation you exert, that just represent how much hold s/he has over you… It shows the amount of power s/he has over your emotions…  would you let this person win?
First try meditation, but if that doesn’t work, hehe…try my following tips…
·         Immediately upon being irritated by someone, take a deep, slow breathe with your eyes closed… in your mind count 1 to 20…

·         Deal with it ala Peter Pan… Think of happy thoughts… Try to remember fondest moment of your life, and bask in the warm glow of the good feelings that you have when you think of that moment.

·         Analyze in what why this annoying person keeps bothering you… Does s/he want anything? Did you fail to do something which caused them to approach you? If there is a question, task, chore, favor, or whatsoever this person asked to/from you…if it wouldn’t cost you so much and to avoid further encounter with him or her, you better get over and done with it immediately…

·         Cut the conversation short… Say just one line repeatedly, like if you failed to something, “I apologize, I’m going to do it ASAP”…whatever words s/he throws at you… just keep answering the same thing… if the issue is a bit complicated say “I need some time to think about this” and then think about what faults you might have as well as the ones they might have.

·         Find a secluded and private place where you can express your angry feelings out loud (quietly) and then resolve to let them go, like dandelion seeds in the breeze. If you didn’t have a chance to punch that person, don’t hit the wall… again, you’re just gonna end up hurting your fist. If you feel the need to vent out, talk to a friend… Or release your anger through writing down how you feel…after letting it out, you’d feel relieved…  this really works for me! (“,)

·         As much as possible, just avoid the person who irritates you. period.

·         Pray! Before talking to the person who irritates you big time, pray first… or you can utter prayer under your breath while talking to him/her… pray before leaving the house… whatever you do, pray… pray that God will give you strength to deal with situation…pray that you can overcome your anger… pray that you won’t say or do things that you would surely regret…

             I once read that sometimes the reason why we get irritated by someone is because they reflect something about ourselves… like our tendencies to be mean, our want to settle things physically… or how ill-tempered we can get or how easily we snap… We are annoyed with them because they bring out the worst in us… Well I think that sometimes annoying people serve a purpose in our lives… They can be reminder of who we are …what we need to change in our attitude… However, there are just certain people who are plainly annoying!

diary entry 8

04/29/08

He was trying to be my friend. There he went being nice and friendly as if nothing happened… as if he didn’t say things to me… as if he never hurt me… I know I hurt him too…That’s why I’m trying to stay away from him because I’m avoiding the possibility of hurting him again… In his case, he just can’t come in out of my life anytime he wants to… He cut the communication… just like that… making me feel that it was all my fault… now he came back in my life just like that? This is not the first time he’s done this… I’m not saying that my door is closed for our friendship… But the night when he told me things…he made feel…like… he… I can’t explain… It was as if he slammed the door in my face…

04/30/08

I’m becoming so tired of this! I’m getting so pissed off! I’m tired working with unprofessional, ill-mannered, inconsiderate people! Sometimes I wonder how I manage to work here for more than a year and still be alive…I’m tired of the politics! I’m tired of being watched as if I’m doing something illegal! Napapagod na ako na kulit-kulitin sila para lang gawin ang trabaho nila! Napapagod na akong makiusap para lang ibigay sa’men ang nararapat na sa’men! Do they think that I enjoy calling them every hour of the day just to follow up something? If given a choice, I don’t want to interact with them… But I (we) have no choice… because they are the kind of people who need to be reminded several time just to make things done and get things settled.

05/01/08

Things went bad to worse. I can’t even start to write about it… Our Company is being very unfair with us (pinay). I’m really tired of this. If it weren’t for the stupid labor policies here, I would’ve resigned long time ago!

05/02/08

I went to church in the morning. Had lunch at home. Went out to dinner in the evening because it was a friend’s birthday.

05/03/08

They say that imitation is the best form of flattery… Maybe at some level it is. But to some extent is also the creepiest form of flattery… hehe…and sometime it is the most annoying form of flattery… Should one just be thankful that someone imitates him/her? Should one just be flattered because someone thinks s/he is so great to a point that this someone copies him//her? But one can’t help to be festered if a person imitates him/her too much… One have all the right to be annoyed and a bit freaked out if the imitator makes the imitatee feels s/he is the one who’s been copying the all along…weird?

TODAY

I didn’t get enough sleep in past week… thinking kept me up most of the nights… I’m so sleepy today… If I close my eyes right now I would fall into deep sleep in seconds…

I feel bad every time I feel tired of doing things for my family. I love my family… I’ve said thousands of times that I will do anything I can for them… However, there comes a time that I wish that I’m not doing what I’m doing… I wish that I’m just focused on doing things I want to do… there comes a time that I wish I could put things behind and move forward to my goal… there comes a time that I feel pressured that I just want to forget everything and just rest… there comes a time that I question myself that do I really have to do this or is all worth it… there comes a time that I worry that I won’t be able to start living my own because of them…

Lord, help not to think this way…Please help me to love my family unconditionally… Please help not to worry about my life… Please remind me every time I feel this way that You’re always in control. Please teach my heart to fully trust you…