prayer mountain

Last Friday, I finally accomplished my plan of going to the prayer mountain. I planned to go there as soon as I arrive here in the country.  Because of my business brought by the holidays it took me a month to go there. If only I have gotten there earlier, I probably wouldn’t be this lost. When I was abroad, I had my best laid plans. I would this, that…then this. Things were perfectly seen and anticipated. But things aren’t what I expected. They are way harder than I thought. I thought that the hardest part was when I was Dubai. But apparently, it’s just icing on the cake. It was only the beginning of another journey. Along with two of my bestfriends, I went to Antipolo. It was a long drive from Manila…but it was worth it. When I was at the prayer mountain…I poured out my heart…I told Him everything in my heart…my fears…anger…plans…and pains. I asked Him to give me pabaon. I couldn’t leave the place without something to bring with me…something I can hold on to throughout the year…What impressed to me was Philippians 3:13 which says “…forgetting what lies behind and straining forward what lies ahead.” It was very fitting because I’m overwhelmed with my past…both good and bad memories hunt me. I’ve always have a problem letting go of the past ever since. I sometimes don’t even know that I have not yet let go…that unknowingly I’m holding on stubbornly. As I heard, bad memories can paralyze you…while good memories can slack you. Too much holding on to either of the two memories can slow you down. So better yet, just look forward. So, what I’m going to do… leave everything behind me… keep the lesson learned…move on…move forward and have a hard yet great life!

the finale

I wish I had written this during the time when it was actually happening, but at that time I was too busy dealing with the situation rather than blogging about it.  My last month in Dubai was perhaps the toughest time of my stay there. It was life a finale in a soap opera. I had so much to do with so little time. I didn’t know where or even how to start. And if I didn’t act right away, things would get worse. I was overwhelmed. I was panicking. People tried to console me telling things would be okay. Many things happened. I was scared, angry and exhausted. I didn’t have much sleep during that time. My excitement was replaced by agitation. But all those are things of the past. I don’t want to elaborate. What matters is that I dealt with it and get through it…I overcame it.  Above all, I learned from it.

fake depression

 

In the past I’ve written about my depression without any reservation. I’ve freely narrated how I felt and why I thought I felt it. Elaborating my feelings has always given me liberation. It’s what keeps my sane. So after typing my thoughts, I felt a little at ease every time. Little did I know that someday I would be faking my depression…In my head it makes much sense but now I just typed it, it sounds a lot weirder…ridiculous even. I’m using depression as a façade. I want to appear depressed to avoid interrogation…I need a valid excuse to keep quiet… to look indifferent.  It’s a little pathetic actually.  But this is the only inoffensive way to protect myself…and this is the easiest way to prevent myself from offending others. Since I entered this office 5 hours ago, I’ve barely spoken a word. I just want to take a break from people’s grilling. The first time I mentioned my decision with definitive tone, they shot me a surprised look. For weeks now since I told them about it, I’ve been bombarded with lots of questions…questions that I actually do not have to answer in the first place. At first I tried to be tolerant of them…trying to understand where they’re coming from. At first I ventured a quick vague response, if they insist, I start giving a bit details for the sake of shutting them up. But their everyday questioning is starting to get to me. It started to get annoying.  But the questioning is followed by dissuading…which what really ticks me off. In an unnoticeable way they’re trying to convince that my decision isn’t such a good idea. They remind me of the possible repercussions of my actions…they endlessly supply one reason after another why I should back out. Also at first, I tried to defend my side without offending them… but how can I not offend them if one of the main reasons behind my decision is I don’t want to end up like them? They’re perhaps right that I’m about to take a big risk. They’re perhaps right that I may be making a mistake. I’m not an idiot, I may look like it but I’m not. I’m not delusional either. I’m completely attached to reality. I know how hard life gets. I know that…and it scares me. But what scares me most is the thought that chances will pass me by…opportunity to live my life the way I want it…the way I supposed to. The risk, the aftermath, the possible mistake, they all scare me. But my fear of them outweighs my fear of being stagnant…of not going anywhere. I’m more scared of what will happen to my life if I don’t take the plunge. The possible worst consequences are just a speck compared to the possible regrets that I might have to live with.

 

This questioning…this surprise look being thrown at me…this dissuading…all these don’t just come from them…but from lot of people, I know my decision isn’t a popular one. I know that road I tend to tread is a ‘road less traveled’. For having what I have and being where I am right now, it’s no surprise my decision rouses curiosity among people.  I know I don’t to have to explain my side to anyone. It’s just so grating that some people act as if I owe them an explanation. I don’t have to defend myself. I don’t feel the need to prove the sense behind my actions. I know I don’t have to listen to any of them because it won’t do me any good. But in such a way, their unsolicited opinion, discouragements, and the evident disapproval on their faces, weigh me down. Although whatever they say won’t affect my decision in any way, it still drains me…It stresses me out. I have so much going in my mind, it’s the last thing I need. So as my attempt to avoid an argument, I just keep quiet. I pretend to be depressed, sulking in despair, too sad to even talk. But I know this won’t last too long…I have to be back to my normal self. I might end up being really depressed afterwards if I don’t snap out of it immediately. All I need to do is to build an impenetrable wall inside my head so that they won’t get to me. I’ll just continue asking God for that kind of strength, though. As for those people, you know who you are…I appreciate your concern (if it’s really concern), but this is my life. At the end of the day, whatever I decide to do, it’s I and only I that will have to deal and live with it not you…so please back off!  

after the storm

Even after a week already passed, everything still appears surreal to me.  Since I was (still am) not there when this disaster happened and didn’t (still don’t) have TFC, I mainly relied on the internet for news and updates. I never thought social networking sites could not only be a ‘boredom-alleviator’ but also a good source of news and easiest/fastest way of communicating. To sum up all the news I collected from different sites; 80% of Mega Manila was submerged in flood, leaving millions of Pinoys in ‘world of mud’ (as Time Magazine puts it), and displacing thousands and killing hundreds of people.  Some call it as ‘great equalizer’ because it didn’t spare even rich who seem indestructible. Poor, rich, common people, celebrities, even politicians were affected by it. Although I wasn’t there and my family wasn’t actually affected by it, which I’m very thankful for by the way, still, I was anxious and distraught about the whole thing. One couldn’t see that kind of devastation and not feel a twinge of sympathy and anxiety. All the more I felt that way when I learned that some of my friends’ houses were flooded, some totally ravaged. This experience didn’t just leave some of them broke, but also traumatized.

 

I heard floodwater hasn’t subsided in some places even though more than a week has passed. As horrifying this whole scenario is; there are great lessons and realizations can be drawn from it. This serves a reminder of how we’ve been mistreating the environment…A wake up call so to speak. This horrendous event impels us to make conscious efforts to take care of the environment and save the planet.

 

This devastating typhoon brings out the heroes in us. Every pinoy I know here and back home wanted to help…and actually did help…ordinary people who are willing to do extraordinary things. The outpouring kindness and generosity pinoy exhibited inspired not only the nation, but the entire world.

 

 

And above all, it shows us that life is indeed fragile. It just proves how fleeting worldly possessions are. Everything can be gone in snap. Everything we have worked for can be figuratively and literally be washed away easily. It makes us realize on what really matters in life…and what matters most is life itself.

at 24

The other day I was reading my blog entry for my birthday last year. As I look back at my thoughts about turning 23, my thoughts about turning 24 were formed. I would like to think that much changed since last year. I would like to believe that the 365 days passed since I turned 23 seasoned me to become a more assertive 24. I won’t deny that I still get easily frustrated when things don’t go my way. I won’t deny that I easily get infuriated at slightest provocation. I still feel depressed from time to time but could bounce back faster now. As I try to remember the year had passed, I can’t help to reminisce my life since I’ve been here in the desert. My journey has been a story of God…a story of His faithfulness in the life of a not so faithful person. My life here has been like a rollercoaster ride. Just when I thought things couldn’t be worse they become horrendous. Just when I thought that I couldn’t be more depressed, God is always there, pulling me out of my misery. Until now there are a lot of things I don’t understand. But at 24 I realized that not all things are meant to understand.  They happen because God allow them to. My faith tells me there are reasons for everything. But my faith doesn’t tell me what exactly those reasons are. In God’s time they are revealed. But they’re just being impressed in me, it’s still up to me to discern them. Yet there are times revelation doesn’t come and my patience takes best of me. So instead of facing my troubles, I spend my energy trying to make sense of them only to come up with a premature, worse, a make-believe conclusion why things happen in my life. At 24, I’ve learned to focus my time and energy dealing with whatever my circumstances are…good or bad. In due time, God will reveal their purpose. That’s God’s business. My business is to live a faithful life regardless of my situation.

refusing to be one of the casualties

I was unable to update my blog in the past couple of weeks because I was busy here at the office and too tired to type my thoughts when I got home. Also, there hasn’t been anything exceptional happened in my life. My social life has been on idle status for a long time. The highlight of my week is going to church. 10 Hours of sleep is what I only eagerly look forward on weekends. In a nutshell… activities, I have none. But insights I have plenty.

Some come slowly…subtly…but pierce deeply. Some come like an epiphany. Catching me off guard and shaking my preconceived mind setting in a snap. My social life may be presently inactive…but my eyes are not. Being in multicultural land gives me a privilege to see life in a unique way. I’m able to witness diverse ways of living of people from different cultures and beliefs…as well as my kababayans’ way of living which sometimes disheartens me but teaches me so many things…

The recent years have been the toughest…saddest times of my existence…Encountering one problem after another while having my own battle inside haven’t been easy. In spite of that, I feel privileged, blessed…Not only I’ve learned a lot from them, they also toughened me… taught me to stand on my own feet yet fully dependent on God’s Grace…independently dependent so to speak. I feel blessed to have learned things earlier in life.  At early years of my adult life, I have a sneak peek of how tough life could get…which taught me to be resilient…to find God in every situation. Because good or bad, there is always a blessing waiting to be recognized…good or bad, there is always something to learn…good or bad, God is always there, even those times that I feel otherwise.  All I’ve been through is perhaps just a preparation for a rougher ride ahead of me. If I can’t weather this, how can I survive tougher challenges?

 So I promised myself that I won’t be one of casualties… I won’t give up, I won’t quit dreaming, and I won’t live a life of mediocrity simply because I’m a child of God. There hasn’t been anything visibly exceptional happened in life, but I know God is knitting a good story out my life…A story that hopefully be a blessing to others.

what i gained from my sacrifice

At the beginning, I couldn’t stand staying home and doing nothing. I’ve been itching to back to work a day after my vacation officially started. I had nothing to do at home and besides I couldn’t get my pending work off my mind. As I pondered the thought of going back to work, I realized that it was so sad. I didn’t even like my job, as a matter of fact there were times that I hated it, yet there I was aching to go resume to it.  So I occupied myself with things and thoughts… that was when I started to be in an emotional havoc. Doing nothing can lead a person to thinking…reflecting…realizing…

I thought of my life here…reflected on it…realized that I’ve grown in a lot of ways. I can better handle my thoughts now…I can discipline my emotions now. The adage that: no one can hurt you without your permission, is more of a mantra to me. It doesn’t only apply to people, but also to circumstances. I realized I don’t give myself enough credit for the things I’ve endured at a young age. I used to resent the fact that I came here too young that I wasn’t able to enjoy my youth.  I just turned 21 when I set foot in UAE. I was just 21 when I bore a parent-like responsibilities. For a time my life was all about work and remittances. While my peers enjoy their lives…going on gimmicks with friends, going out of town with family, spending holidays with their loved ones, there I was working my butt off for the job that I hated to make money that wasn’t even for me. I was far from enjoying myself. I felt that I sacrificed a lot. My dreams…my youth…my life! I even cut off my relationship with my then boyfriend so that I could focus on my priorities. So I had to bear those pain for something that I didn’t choose…something I gained nothing personally . But a part of me knew that even it was difficult, it was the right thing. Never did I think that I would arrive to this phase in my life that I’m thankful for having been through all of them. I honestly don’t regret anything. Yes, I used to be angry over the sacrifices I made. But I realized that sacrifice is a part of life. We all make sacrifices at some point. Small sacrifices such as a working mom who sleeps late but wakes up early to prepare the meal of her family; or husband who is obsessed with sport channel handing over the remote to his wife. It can be big sacrifices such as son donating one of his kidneys to his ailing father; or a mother who works abroad leaving her husband and 3 children including an 8-month old baby behind so that they could have a better life. We all make sacrifies some of us may not even aware that we do, but we all do.  Some refute it, some embrace it. Some resent it, some take pride in it. It’s just a matter of how we look at it. We can be angry over it as long as we want to or we can just accept that it is a fact of life and learn from it. We might lose something important when we sacrifice but we also gain precious life lesson from it.

diary entry 37: back to work!

I can’t believe I’m back here at the office. I can’t believe my leave is over. It isn’t over, really. I decided to cut it short because I need cash. Well, who doesn’t? Truth be told, I regret coming back early. I’ve described my office as a not so friendly working environment where employees use yelling as the best way to put across their messages. My work itself doesn’t make me tired, what exhausts me is the people around me. I can hardly remember a time when I came home that I wasn’t tired. If there’s one thing I gained from this is that my guts have been sharpened. If you’re meek in a place like this, people will eat you alive. So you better learn to stand up for yourself. You don’t let others push you around! They yell at you, you yell back! And you should make your voice a lot louder than theirs. hahaha. Well, actually it depends on the situation. When I was new here, I used to yell back when being yelled at. But as time went on, it became exhausting…draining. Eventually, I realized that their attitude at work is their problem, not mine.  There are diplomatic ways to say what you want, and if you don’t know that, that’s your problem. The way the act in the office speaks a lot about them…their upbringing…their manners… their characters…their lives…  And sometimes even when I’m right, it’s useless to argue with people like that. Even if I explain 24/7 it’s futile. They will never get my point, anyway. So I weigh things. If the argument is a matter of life and death, and it will cost me my job, I would definitely speak up. But if it’s just of one their petty issues that they’re only making a big fuss about, I shrug it off. I think that they are the way they are …because they’re sad people living miserable lives.  hahaha. Bad! Look, people who are happy don’t get easily get heated…unless there is something to be real angry about. Happy people don’t yell all the time. They don’t waste their time fuming over trivial matters…So therefore I’m sure that my co-workers are sad people! hahaha. Their attitude at work is somehow a reflection of their personal lives. They vent their anger at any chance they get. Since they spend most their time here, they anger are redirect their anger to the people around them. Tsk. tsk. tsk. So what I’m trying to say is I should’ve come earlier at work! DARN! But I do need the money, DARN AGAIN!

drama queen attacks!

Last night I cried myself to sleep. I cried and cried till my eyes were exhausted and finally shut. I just let myself cry for I haven’t cried for months. The strangest thing was I didn’t really have a reason for those tears. I’ve been a little upset but too upset to cry like that.  Before my leave started, I promised myself that I would spend my time writing down my thoughts. Clearly, I broke that promise. I’ve only pulled myself together on the last day of my leave. I’m such a procrastinator! But it’s not yet too late, technically my vacation isn’t over yet. Enough blabbing already!

I think I just lost a friend because of an alleged rumor that I allegedly spread to our circle of friends. Too bad, I didn’t have the chance to explain myself. But worse part was she was quick to believe that I did it. I might did something sneaky behind her back, this wasn’t enough to be cut out of her life. I might have said something… but I had only written it here on my blog… blog that very few people from that circle know of…hmmm…something to think about… hmmm…who could that be? Hahaha… but you know what, I don’t care. I know to myself that I did not, I repeat, I did not spread such nonsense. My life isn’t that miserable to take pleasure from hurting other people, you know. I felt bad about this whole thing. But can I do? She already believes that I spread that rumor…rumor that I’m not sure what was about. For the sake argument, let’s say that I’m guilty…that actually did it… so?! Who am I to have the credibility to spread such a thing? Why would other believe me? More to that, why would she be affected by such a crap?!

Several weeks ago, I was happy. I was fine. Then this ex of mine came back to my life said the words that he knew I wanted to hear. I put my guard down for awhile, then in snap, I’m in heartbroken phase again. It’s like I spent a year trying to get over him, I succeeded and celebrated my success by talking to him again! Wow! A part of me knew that talking to him was a bad idea… and being chummy with him was the worse. Now here I am, clueless what we are… trying to busy myself with work…occupying myself with lots of thoughts… entertaining myself with movies…still, he is getting the best of me. This is why I don’t like relationships… that for the meantime I’ve been trying to avoid romantic entanglement…I don’t like complications. I don’t like to be placed in situation that I don’t know where I stand. I hate the feeling that maybe I being lied to. Above all, I don’t like what kind of person I can become when I’m involved with someone. I’m a rational person, but I can be unreasonable when it comes to this…even crazy sometimes! That is why I decided to stay away from romantic entanglement…for the meantime. And this means, cutting off my communication with ex. This isn’t healthy. I want to move on, so that’s what I’m going to do!

diary entry 35: the ex files

Exactly a week ago, my ex (who didn’t talk to me for a year) sent me a message to my YM from nowhere. It was so unexpected that I even asked him if he sent the message to the right window. hahaha. Apparently he did. He apologized for everything and told me he had many regrets. Because I was taken aback, my frequent responses were ‘ok’ and ‘no problem’. It had been a year, it was just normal not to vividly remember what exactly happened during that time. In short, I willingly accepted his apology. I told him to put everything to rest because it had been quite a long time.

 

So after we chatted, I jogged my memory and tried to remember everything transpired last year…As I went back to the past, and thread things piece by piece, my annoyance with him was awaken! hahaha. I wanted to take back my acceptance! hahaha. I got a little confused. Yes I happy that he remembered me…But a part of me felt wasn’t ready talk to him. I stayed away from YM for a couple of days. I thought it through…I realized that I had to talk to him to see what his real intentions were… so that we can settle this for once and for all…If he wanted to be my friend, I had to tell him that I couldn’t accept his friendship. I know exes can be friends… As I proudly tell people, my other is ex is still a close friend of mine. But with this one, we absolutely cannot be.

 

Over the weekend, we talked over voice chat. We talked for 5 hours, an accumulated 15 minutes was allotted for me to speak and the rest was his. hahaha. To sum it all up, he was sorry…he still loved me…he wanted another chance…I was honest with I felt that I still have feelings for him but not sure if there’s still a chance. I said, I’ll think and pray about it. For now, everything is under negotiation.

 

With all the things that I need to focus on, the last thing I need is a romantic entanglement. We’ve spoken several times since last week. I know you can really tell the sincerity of a person by mere email, voice chat or texts, but somehow I know he has been nothing but sincere about everything… The problem is me, I’m not sure. I want different things now. I’m completely different from the unsure 21 year girl whom he fell in love with. Like that version of me, I can be emotional and more so, insecure at times. But in some ways I’m different now. Through the years we’ve been a part, I got used to being on my own, not considering a significant other.  I don’t know…