angry?

    

  

I’ve been so annoyed for the past several months… I think the word annoyed is an understatement. Let me rephrase that:  I’ve been so infuriated for the past several months. I myself wonder how I manage to still look okay in spite of all. I feel that I’m going to explode anytime! I’m appalled, upset and more so angry about several things.  But instead of babbling about my furies, I’ll try to look at the bright side. Instead of enumerating the things that got me feeling me this way, I’d rather give myself reasons to feel blessed hoping that it would lessen my exasperation and eventually calm me.

I know I’ve been blessed with a lot of things. A lot which I feel I don’t deserve and yet blessings keep on coming. I may not have all the things I want, but I guess I have all the things I need. So, I’m blessed. 

 I hate my job, but at least I don’t belong to unemployed cluster. At least I can help my family through my meager source of income. So, I’m blessed.

I’m oceans away from my homeland, but I find home in my church. I may be taken away from my home but am placed somewhere that enables me to get to know Him deeper, learn profound life principles, gain life changing experiences, meet people with contagious passion and excellence. So, I’m blessed.

I don’t like most of the people I work with. My day wouldn’t conclude without them making me feel irritated. They are probably the most ill-mannered and unbelievably inconsiderate people I ever met…but I have a great boss. I do like him. He is fair and considerate. I know not all employees have this kind of boss. So I’m blessed.

I’m not an intellectual person. I don’t know a lot of things, but at least I’m bright enough to know I’m not that bright and eager enough to learn. So, I’m blessed.

 I don’t have a perfect family. We argue about our conflicting principles.  We fight over trivial matters. We blurt out harsh words to one another.  We unintentionally and sometimes intentionally hurt one another’s feelings. When all’s said and done, we’re still a family. We love, look after and sacrifice for one another. So, I’m blessed.

I’m not a good person but I have real good people in my life. I have friends who give me enough credit when I do the right thing , stir me up when I’m in the wrong track, tolerate me when my momentary insanity strikes , comfort me when I’m distressed and fight for me even if tell them not to. So, I’m blessed.

 I’m appalled, upset and angry. I have all the right to feel this way. But I know I won’t stay in this predicament forever. So, I’m blessed.

like everyone else

I want make myself believe that I’m someone special. Like everyone else, I think of myself as someone who is unique. Like everyone else, I want to be different. I want to be distinctive. I don’t want to be just another face in the crowd because like everyone else, I want to be extraordinary… When I die, I want to be remembered. I want my memory to live even if my body is already dead. But if I want to be exceptional like everyone else, if I want to be different like everyone else, I would be just like everyone else, wouldn’t I? and that doesn’t make me unique, much less special.

running after

Sometimes, the reason why we do not run after the things that we badly want is not because we do not want it enough to hound it; but because we want it too much that we give immense worth to it… and that worth overwhelms us to be induced into thinking that we don’t deserve to have it. Its value undermines our capacity, making us realize how big the things we want, and emphasizing how little we are. So, we let them go, believing that they are too good for us… What impedes us more from pursuing them is our fear of destroying them. We sometimes think that possessing them would also mean destroying them. That is the reason that even if the pain of not having what we desire is excruciating and unbearable, we throw up our arms and give up. Although we have the option not to go through agony, but still we don’t choose that option, because there’s a shrill voice that nags us inside our head saying that the things we want are not for us to have. So, we listen to that voice, we play the role of the better person, we walk away, give way to the ones who are much deserving to have the things that we want… we let go and stop running after…

unromantic

       I don’t consider myself as a cynical or bitter person.  I gush at weddings. I get “kilig” when my friends tell me their love stories. I adore babies. I sigh every time I see a pair of elderly people still together, holding hands just like a teenage couple. I cry at Nicholas Sparks’ heartrending novels. I’m okay with having a Koreanovela marathon all day long.  But still some people (who are close to me) think I’m not a romantic person. In fairness to me, these same people also say that I’m generally a sweet person naman ‘daw’, however, they also say there is something about me… something that exudes an unromantic factor… haha. Are the statements I written above not enough to validate me as a romantic person? Am I not sentimental enough?            

Honestly, I don’t get offended when people say I’m unromantic because at some level, I believe I am. That’s why I can see where they get this impression about me.

(Deep breath)

I’m okay with being single for the rest of my life.  Let me just make it clear; I’m not averse to becoming a wife or a mother in the future. As a matter of fact, one of my dreams is to be become a mother. I really, really want to have my own child someday (hopefully, alongside with a God-fearing husband). But if that dream wouldn’t come true, I have no problem with that. All I’m saying is, I do want to have a family of my own someday… however, if I’m better off single and if –- only if it’s His will for me to stay unmarried for all eternity,  I have no objections with that. Does that fact about me make me unromantic?

 I find “theme song” corny, not to mention, unoriginal and clichéd. When people ask me if I and my then significant other had a ‘song’, I quickly answered NO! (Pleeaassee!) I don’t know if they had a song for me…but I absolutely did not!  Why would I dedicate a song if I could write my very own poem? Yup, I wrote a poem for… never mind! (Well, I tend to be poetic when broken hearted).  Does my aversion toward ‘theme song’ make me unromantic?

I don’t believe in ligaw.  Hey, don’t think I’m easy-to-get ah! Haha…I just don’t believe in that. I’ve always seen it as a best-foot-forward thing. For me, it’s better if you start off as friends, talk, get to know each other, hang out, have fun, mingle with each other’s set of friends or better yet, with each other’s family…etcetera, etcetera. Does my disbelief in ligaw make me unromantic?

I get nauseous every time I see overly sweet (online) photos of couples… you know, the we-can’t-get-enough-of-each-other kind of photos… in Filipino, ‘magkakapalit na ng mukha’ … haha. I find some pictures of couples really cute…but there are some which are just nauseously cute. I mean, come on, there’s a thin line between cute sweetness and sickening sweetness. Haha… (there is also a thin line between sickening sweetness and vulgar!) Does my nausea to this stuff make me unromantic?

I’m not the lovey-dovey touchy type.  I’m normally a huggy touchy person… I embrace my parents, lolo, sister and close friends or give them a kiss whenever I feel like it…But I wasn’t exactly like that to my then special someone. I mean, we didn’t divulge in as much PDA as most people do… And some find it very strange, or rather unbelievable that I personify one of Drew Barrymore’s movies. (hope you have the right movie in mind, haha) I wasn’t being righteously conservative like Maria Clara…  I just had (have) my reservations – for the right time and person. Do my reservations make me unromantic? 

 I don’t like Valentine’s Day. I never celebrated this so called occasion, and I don’t have a recollection of greeting anyone a ‘happy valentine’s day’ sincerely. Haha… Because as I can see it; like Christmas, Valentines also had become commercialized nowadays. You know what I mean? Like Christmas, Valentines Day is all about gift-giving… in Filipino, ‘pinagkakakitaan na lang’. Plus, I just don’t understand why make your special someone feel loved and special for a day if you could make him/her feel that way everyday… Does this notion of mine make me unromantic?                                                            

everything (repost)

(orig d8: Monday, January 31, 2008/from my other blog)

Find me here, speak to me I want to feel you, I need to hear you
You are the light that’s leading me to the place Where I find peace again
You are the strength that keeps me walking,
You are the hope that keeps me trusting,
You are the life to my soul
You are my purpose You’re everything
And how can I stand here with you And not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this ?
You calm the storms and you give me rest
You hold me in your hands You won’t let me fall
You still my heart and you take my breath away
Would you take me in, take me deeper now
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this 

 

blog it!

Whenever I’m happy, giddy, upset, angry, and I feel like expressing my thoughts, opinion and sentiments… I put whatever in my mind into words and blog it! Blog is my outlet. It calms me. It liberates me. It makes me feel alive. I just discovered that ‘blogging’ here at wordpress is better! It’s easier and more fun! I wish I have learned that earlier. I decided to repost all the recent entries I wrote this year from my other blog… for fun… but I will not repost any of my older entries, because as I said, no looking back ang drama ko this year! basta, new blog, fresh entries! ***