random thoughts

       We do not only make mistakes by doing things, but sometimes we also make mistakes by not doing things. It’s not always about the things we do, but also about the things we fail to do.

 

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        I do want to go back home… but the mere thought of it already scares me. Every time it occurs in my head, fright occurs in my heart. The longer I stay here, the scarier I get. I don’t know. Maybe I’m getting too comfortable here… I’m not contradicting my previous statement that: I don’t like my job, I hate my officemates, the place is depressing, I’m so sick and tired of things… etc. etc… I still feel that way… Nothing has changed. I doubt if it would, anyway. But at the very least, I feel a sense security here… financial security to be precise… and of course, no matter how often my sister and I disagree… I can’t still leave without the assurance that she’s gonna be fine here.

 

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      I have qualms about how most parents foster and cultivate in their children the customary value of debt of gratitude. I don’t have a problem with the value itself. But I do have a problem with parents’ fostering of dependence and patronage of this. I have a bigger problem with parents who exploit this. It’s not right that while raising your children, you constantly pound them with the thought that they owe you for raising them…that children have to take care of you someday because you’ve taken care of them. I just don’t think it supposed to be obligatory.  Children should take care of their parents when they grow old because they want to, not because they think they have to. It should be out of love and not out of obligations.

 

diary entry 15

06/18/08

 

    We had the chance to talk again… as usual he told me usual things like he missed me so on and so forth…

 

06/19/08

   I thought I was gonna freeze to death… Straight from work I went to the hotel where we held our service. The room was freezing. Not so many members attended so it contributed to iciness of the place.  I felt a bit distracted actually… hehe…But I tried hard to stay focus because I wouldn’t be attending church the next day…  I went home very late. Of course, as usual I had encounters with maniacs roaming around the streets. Thank God I arrived home unscathed… Although I had a throbbing headache, I didn’t go to bed just yet.  We needed to unpack some of our stuff… my sister has been nagging me about me not helping them… her voice was too loud our new neighbors could hear her… I feel a bit embarrassed actually because she’s been talking to me like I’m a 7yr old kid. My sister could be really demeaning sometimes…

 

06/20/08

 

Ate bads got a bonus (or something like that) from her office…she treated us to lunch and merienda… I shopped for some pasalubong…we finally talked to our landlady, hmm… apparently she was not that greedy as we thought… it appeared that she was asking us something fair enough…

 

06/21/08

 

We stayed home. We went to the grocery late in the afternoon… my sister wasn’t feeling well I told her to go home and I would be the one who’d go to the other grocery. She asked me to buy her something. I knew she gave me the money but I seemed had lost it… and on my way back home, I decided to use a different route… I wanted to explore the new place to discover new routes… I wasn’t certain where that road would lead me but I still went ahead…believing it was a short cut…but I got a little lost… and instead of having a short cut, I tread a road to nowhere … that took so much of my time… the worse thing was I ended up on a road that had building-construction all over the place… so if there’s construction, there is always of course… construction laborers… I have nothing against them, and I do think it’s a decent job. But the construction laborers weren’t the one who’s decent. I just walked pretending I couldn’t hear or see them… just trying to ignore them… but my goodness, deep inside I was scared to death. Some construction workers back in my country are somehow like them… they yell at you, try to get your attention… but I know laborer here can do so much than yelling at you…they can really do harm to you… but I went home safely, though.

 

TODAY:

 

    I talked to the accounts dept. asking them for my money they said I couldn’t get it just yet… argh! My flight is soon and I still don’t have my money with me yet!!!

diary entry 14

 

06/12/08

Once and for all, i called our accounts department and asked them how much i could get for my vacation…although they told me a “fair enough” amount,  still technically,  I know I should be getting more…

 

06/13/08

I believe in my heart that i’m called to be a part of this church. by this age, I’m full aware that there is no such a thing as perfect church. In one or another, there are things you’d probably disagree on some of the doctrines or principles of your church foster. Knowing if you really belong to the church you attend is something very personal…something between you and God. 

Having attended 2 different churches in the past, one I stayed for like almost 4 yrs, and other for almost a yea…but neither of the two have helped grow as a Christian and as a person the way my current church has …

 

06/14/08

I didn’t get enough sleep today either. I slept late at night and woke up early. I didn’t do much at home…no internet connection…just watched TV all day long

 

06/15/08

 

We stared packing our stuff because we would relocate to a new place… again… just plainly thinking about it  is tiring enough

 

06/16/08

For the 3rd time in my 1 year and 7 months here in Dubai… and it’s 4th time in 1 yr and 8months all in all that I’ve moved from one house to another…It’s kinda exhausting. You packed your stuff, sealed and labeled their boxes… moved and carried them to a new place, unpacked, put them back to their original places. then a couple of weeks for adjustments. then when you’re already settled and began to be accustomed with the new place, you’d move again.  it’s a bit tiring, you know! But I don’t have much of a choice

 

Good thing we have real good guy friends here…without their help we couldn’t possibly transfer easily like we did. They did the lifting of our heavy stuff for us. It was so gracious and kind of them to always help us.

 

TODAY:

I haven’t gotten enough sleep… I’m sure it’s not because “namamahay” ako. as long as I have my sheets and pillows with me, I’m good, I know  can sleep anywhere.  I’ve been having sleepless nights lately…actually for some time n0w… I guess for more than a month, I’ve been having a difficult time getting into sleep… when asleep, subtle noises can wake me up and I can no longer go back to sleep… I know it has a lot to do with me coming back home. I don’t know if I’m just scared or what… I just hope I’m stronger than I think I am in handling these things…

 

This vacation is bringing me so much stress than joy!

dear…

      

                I know we haven’t talked for quite a while. It’s been months since you last heard from me. Maybe you wonder why I don’t get in touch with you. Maybe you’re asking why I didn’t call you back when you gave me ring the other day. Maybe you think that I’ve forgotten you. Maybe you think I’m too busy to even think about you.  Maybe you think I no longer care. Well, unbelievable it may sound; the truth is there hasn’t been a day that I didn’t think of you. Each morning when I open my eyes I remember you. At night, before I sleep I pray for you. I always ask God to protect, guide and be with you in whatever you do, to wherever you may be. I may have stopped contacting you but that doesn’t me I stopped caring too. You’ve hurt me so much… but that isn’t enough reason to shut my door. I’m so engrossed with a lot of things…There has been so much going on in my life right now…things to deal with… issues to settle… and being in touch with you can distract me… worse, it can upset me. You just don’t know how you affect my inner being. You don’t know how much power you have over me… With so much of a burden I have, I cannot afford to be sidetracked, much less be upset…especially by you… You… the person who used to be my protector, my shield… I remember vividly how you treated me like a princess, proving all my needs and even giving my wants… But things changed over time… Now, you think table must turn. You think I should repay for your “kindness”… Why should I, wasn’t it just your rightful duty to take care of me? Don’t think that I’m ungrateful because I am not… I’m so thankful for every single thing you provided me… But there are times…especially when life throws punches at me…I somehow blame you…  When I had serious setbacks… When I didn’t know what to do…when I needed someone to affirm me that everything would be fine… you weren’t there… you knew what I was going through…but there you were nonchalantly asking for something instead of giving me encouragements… I sometimes think it’s your fault why I suffer when I shouldn’t be suffering to begin with.  I sometimes blame you for having boundary issues, not letting anybody get really near me the way you did. I know it’s not right…and I constantly ask God to help me not to feel this way about you. But you also have to help me do so. By not showing a slightest remorse hurts me to the core. Don’t act as if everything is alright that nothing has changed. Things changed drastically and everything is far from alright. Right now, I don’t need you to take me away from my predicament. I may need your help, but I don’t want it… not out of pride…but because of my understanding of things… I’m slowly learning to accept that even if it’s hard, I need to get through this…I may not yet know the reason why… but I know I just have to deal with this myself… I don’t need your protection from this… I’m no longer your baby.  However, I don’t need you to add up to my worries.  Don’t put your life’s weight on me. I have one heck of a life to carry… I need you to live your life… I don’t ask you to do something I could take pride in…  I ask you to not do something we would be ashamed of. All I ask of you, is to finally have a direction in life, papa…

 

 HAPPY FATHER’S DAY ‘PA! 

 

 

Love,

 

Your Daughter…Naneng

 

 

Great Nation

       Below is an inspiring essay written by a person whom I admire and highly respect; Coach Anne Lao. I’ve seen and heard her speak at pulpit several times in the past, but I haven’t had the privilege to introduce myself, not even when she paid a visit to our church here in Dubai. Although, we don’t know each other personally, her words move me in a very personal way. I believe in my heart that God speak with me through her. Her words don’t just inspire me, but they also make me think, analyze and reexamine myself.

        

    Since it’s the Philippines Independence Day, I would like to post here on my blog an essay written by her which is somehow related to today’s occasion. This piece made a great impression on me. Whenever I reread it, it always kindles my sense of nation… It never fails to hearten me, leaving me hopeful. It gives me courage to not be afraid to dream for my county. I hope it would have the same effect to my fellow Filipinos who come across this piece.

 

 

 

 

WE CAN NEVER BE A GREAT NATION

By Anne Lao

 

Not until a Filipino realizes that his dreams can shape the future of the next generations, for better or for worse – we can never be a great nation.   Not until a Filipino realizes that his voice and his opinions shape the values of this country – we can never be a great nation.

 

Not until a Filipino realizes that life is about having a purpose not a job – we can never be a great nation.   Not until a Filipino realizes that no one else will care and dream for his fellow Filipinos except him – we can never be a great nation.

 

Not until a Filipino realizes that he can win over himself and compete with the nations of the world – we can never be a great nation. Not until a Filipino realizes that it always takes one ordinary individual to inspire change in this country and not a post in the government – we can never be a great nation.

 

Not until a Filipino realizes that the government is a mere reflection of who he is – we can never be a great nation. Not until a Filipino realizes that an unexamined life is not worth living – we can never be a great nation.

 

Not until a Filipino realizes that there’s no one else who will care for the future of this country except him – we can never be a great nation.  For great nations did not begin in power, wealth and comfort.

 

Not until a Filipino realizes that deliverance comes from within himself and not from foreigners – we can never be a great nation. It was found neither in palaces nor in armies. It was found in the excellence of one’s soul.

 

 

“The hope of the nation is not in its forms of government, not in the wisdom and equity of its executive, or in the justice and purity of its administration, so much as in the elevation and redemption of individual character among its people.” – Henry Codman Potter 1834-1908

 

miserable job

 

According to an article I read online; “awful,” “dreary,” and “miserable” are adjectives that many people use to describe their jobs at one time or another. Well mine would be; “frustrating”, “horrible”, and of course, “miserable”. The article also said that dissatisfaction on the job is common and often temporary. I do agree with that first one but not with latter one. For sure, a large number of employees are not happy with their jobs. Is it because they’re not pleased with salaries and consider them low? Is it because of their bosses? Is it because of their officemates? Is it because of the company policies? Is it because of the food sold at their canteen? The employees’ reasons are aplenty. And I can only speak for myself. Before I state my reasons why I think my job sucks… I just wanted to clear that I know am blessed, at the very least I do have a job no matter how miserable it has been making me feel. However, feeling blessed doesn’t mean feeling numb. I once heard a trainer from my previous company said that two years is enough span of time to know if your job is right for you or vise versa. It’s been a year and half (almost two years) I still feel exactly the same since the first time I set foot on this company — miserable. When I applied here, I knew I’d be only staying here for several months that’s why I didn’t listen to the persistent voice at the back of head saying not work here…But unexpected painful events happened forced me to stay.

 

Allow me to enumerate the reasons why I think my work is miserable. First, working in lifting equipment testing firm is a nightmare for mass communication graduate who aspire to be a journalist. Second, most of my officemates are rude, obnoxious, inconsiderate, insensitive, nosy people! Third, the salary is not that economically lucrative. Third, my boss plays favorites. Fourth, company policy sucks! Employees have to literally beg to be given what is rightly due. Fifth, office hours is too long and the office’s location is too far away. Work time is from 8am to 6pm. I leave home at 6:50am, and since office is so far from home, I’d be so darn lucky if I get to home at 8pm because usually it’s 8:30pm. My hateful job takes so much of my precious time.

 

People ask me if hate it that much why don’t I resign… I can’t do that because I need to stay in this country… There are things I need to settle, and it would be easier and faster if settle them here. So why not just transfer to other company then? I can’t do that either. I’m legally-bind here for 3years. The sole reason why I’m still staying in this friggin’ company is the labor law, that’s it! Period. Resigning would mean being banned to work in other company. I can’t afford to be unemployed. As I said I’m still settling something and it would just derail everything. I just have the two options: resign and be unemployed or stay and be miserable. Since I need to stay in this country, the only choice left for me is to stay here in this company. As much as I want to get the heck out of here, I can’t. I can only complain and blabber about my frustration…

 

‘A miserable job makes a person cynical and frustrated and demoralized when they go home at night… It drains them of their energy, their enthusiasm, and self-esteem’ the article also said. Cynical: check! Frustrated: check! Demoralized: check! Energy, enthusiasm and self-esteem draining: check! Hey, has the writer of that article been reading my diary? Haha… Kidding aside, my frustration about my job contributes a lot to my seasonal depression. More often than not, I find myself upset. I cry at work on a weekly basis. And most of the time I go home very irritable. Some friends notice that I’m not as bubbly as I used to be. It’s getting the best of me. I’m afraid that I’d reach my breaking point anytime soon… The article also stated that miserable jobs are universal and can be found in every industry and at every level. Meaning there is lot people around the globe who have miserable jobs. I’m not alone. Yet, that fact doesn’t make any difference. I still hate my job. I still look forward to day I have enough savings to finally quit and chase my dreams.

 

Lord,

Thank YOU for giving me a source of income that enables me to provide for myself and my family. Lord, forgive me for looking at my work this way. I know YOU don’t allow things to happen for no reason. I know YOU have a purpose for placing me here. Lord, please open the eyes of my heart to see the things I need to see. Help me to learn what I need to learn… Please divert my eyes to things that I have instead to what I lack. Please give enough strength to endure this. Please give me enough patience to wait for YOUR right timing. I don’t understand why YOU placed me here, but I know in time I’d understand everything. Please embed in my heart that there is a greater purpose behind this.

Amen

 

diary entry 13

06/05/08      

For the past 5days I only ate light food…such as fruits, oats and yogurt… I fought my every urge for almost a week only to pig out for a day! I starved myself in vain! Hehe… It was worth it, though! At the office, a co-worker got his driving license so he treated us to eat-all-you-can KFC! Here in Dubai, buying a car is easier than having a license to drive that car! In the evening I went to my friend’s friend’s birthday party… It was in an Arabic restaurant… Food was great… It was eat-all-you-can treat again! I also got to meet the people that my sister works with… and … I was able to see the person my friend has been obsessing about!

06/06/08

Lesson from the Church: Never listen to naysayer but only to the voice of truth

After Church, they fetched me; and we went straight to our cousin’s house… (our cousin who is married to a local) hmmm…videoke/pig out day again! Yippee!!!

 I was happy because I was able to spend time with my goddaughter and my closest cousin whom arrived the other day…

06/07/08

     I’m so stressed out! To be totally honest, as days go on, I’m becoming more and more anxious about going home… I should be excited but because of a lot of things, I feel that going home isn’t such a good idea … for now! Should I postpone it till Christmas?

 06/08/08

        I’ve never been this brokenhearted… I never thought my heart could ache this way…I wake up each morning with this throbbing pain in my heart. I carry it wherever I go. Outwardly, I appear alright.  But deep inside, a part of me is slowly dying. I can only bear this for so long… Although, I pray not for this pain to go away but for me to be strong so surpass this… Still, I want to break free… I need to breathe… I need to get out of this place before it swallows me up…before it gets the best of me… 

It’s always worth saving your sanity! Hurry, save yourself, allow your heart to be healed, stay away from the source of your wound, get out of here as soon as you can!

 

Slip of the tongue:

So she finally said, if ever she’d have a chance to go home this December, she would grab it… even without me…even it will mean I’d be alone here on Christmas…  while here I am… suffering from daily heartbroken from work that I don’t like with the people I hate… why? Because of who? Ehem… while I’ve been racking my brains out thinking about them when I finally put an end to my suffering by resigning and finally pursuing my dreams… while I’ve been saving money for her ticket just she could go with me as I plan to go home in December next year… just thinking of I being there, and she being left here already kills me… but apparently I’m the only who feel this way. I want our family to be together on Christmas …I can’t enjoy myself if I know a family member is somewhere else alone… I can’t have fun without them having fun too… why don’t think of me that way too? Is it so darn hard to include me to their plans? Why do I always consider them? Why am I being the one who’s said to be selfish while always considering them first before myself?

 

TODAY:

   I saw on a missed call from my father… god, I’m so scared to call him back! If I didn’t know better, I would think it was an emergency… but if it was, surely he’d persistently call me till I answer it… I don’t want to ask him why he called because it’s probably about money again…money isn’t the issue… it’s about him making it appear that it’s our duty to send money to him since we send money to our mom… my mom never obliged us… we’re the only ones she has… even if I sometimes I feel I give too much… she’s our mother… she has no one but us… and again, she didn’t ask so it’s out of our will to provide for her..

diary entry 12

05/29/08

     

      Why was I upset? It wasn’t only because they didn’t wait for me…  hmm… it was part of it… but not entirely about it. This is the second time they did this to me! Weekend is the only time we can sit together and eat and talk … It’s one of the few things I look forward to… Then they would tell me that we were hungry and knew I was going home late (as usual), so they went ahead.  When I arrived and asked why they went ahead without me, instead of apologizing…they even sounded as if it was my fault that I arrived late (everyday)… they spoke as if it’s my fault that my office is located far from civilization and our bus driver drives like a turtle! I was so hungry… but I lost my appetite… I was just so upset I was looking forward to it the whole week … but they didn’t bother to wait for me…even if I didn’t ask me to…it should’ve been an unspoken thing…

 

Normally, . My office hours ends at 6pm. their office ends at 5pm, they arrive at 7pm… 7:30 is the latest…I, on other hand, go home at 8pm… that is the earliest possible… there are times that I reach home at 9pm… So what is left for me to do…is to eat, rest for a couple minutes, take a shower and go to bed. That’s it! So weekend is the only time I can afford do to something else than my routine.

 

Sometimes, I ask them do something or go somewhere for me so that I could save time. In all fairness to them, most of the time they are happy to grant my favor. However, when it’s my turn to do their favor, most of time I refuse… I refuse because sometimes it gets so much of my little time left. Being stuck in a terrible traffic is bad enough…and sometimes, they still ask me to go somewhere to get something for them…and if I refuse… it always taken against me… I have my to explain myself every time knowing that they are full aware of my situation. But when I explain I make sure that I make clear that it’s not that I don’t want to, it’s because I can’t… I’m too tired… Sometimes, as I arrive home, they ask me to go somewhere with them, and they can’t even understand I’m too tired!

 

Now, our time during weekends… they said that “gutom na gutom na kame eh”…that was the best excuse they could come up with… they weren’t going against time here…just their stomachs…

 

“alam naman namen na late ka darating eh, kaya kumain na kami!” … Now they knew I go home late… now they understood the gravity of it. Pero pag sila ang may kailangan, hindi nila maintindihan, kailangan ko pa makiusap at ipaintindi sa kanila. Pero pag sila, sila pa ang arogante!

 

 

 

05/30/08

 

      I was late at church not because I woke up late… but because someone used to bathroom for a long time…and after using it didn’t apologize for keeping me waiting…considering she knew that I’ve been using that particular time to bathe… but the important thing for me was I made it…even though I was late…

 

In the middle of the service I received a text from a friend asking me if I was mad about the last night. I didn’t know what to say because I couldn’t convey and put to words my thoughts…

 

We went shopping in the afternoon…

 

05/31/08

 

Nothing special happened today. Nothing exciting… nothing bad either…normal day… we stayed home the rest of the day!

 

TODAY:

 

One of my pet peeves is when people keep on complaining and complaining about something yet not doing anything about it!

 

I really..really…really want to resign from my work!