drama queen attacks!

Last night I cried myself to sleep. I cried and cried till my eyes were exhausted and finally shut. I just let myself cry for I haven’t cried for months. The strangest thing was I didn’t really have a reason for those tears. I’ve been a little upset but too upset to cry like that.  Before my leave started, I promised myself that I would spend my time writing down my thoughts. Clearly, I broke that promise. I’ve only pulled myself together on the last day of my leave. I’m such a procrastinator! But it’s not yet too late, technically my vacation isn’t over yet. Enough blabbing already!

I think I just lost a friend because of an alleged rumor that I allegedly spread to our circle of friends. Too bad, I didn’t have the chance to explain myself. But worse part was she was quick to believe that I did it. I might did something sneaky behind her back, this wasn’t enough to be cut out of her life. I might have said something… but I had only written it here on my blog… blog that very few people from that circle know of…hmmm…something to think about… hmmm…who could that be? Hahaha… but you know what, I don’t care. I know to myself that I did not, I repeat, I did not spread such nonsense. My life isn’t that miserable to take pleasure from hurting other people, you know. I felt bad about this whole thing. But can I do? She already believes that I spread that rumor…rumor that I’m not sure what was about. For the sake argument, let’s say that I’m guilty…that actually did it… so?! Who am I to have the credibility to spread such a thing? Why would other believe me? More to that, why would she be affected by such a crap?!

Several weeks ago, I was happy. I was fine. Then this ex of mine came back to my life said the words that he knew I wanted to hear. I put my guard down for awhile, then in snap, I’m in heartbroken phase again. It’s like I spent a year trying to get over him, I succeeded and celebrated my success by talking to him again! Wow! A part of me knew that talking to him was a bad idea… and being chummy with him was the worse. Now here I am, clueless what we are… trying to busy myself with work…occupying myself with lots of thoughts… entertaining myself with movies…still, he is getting the best of me. This is why I don’t like relationships… that for the meantime I’ve been trying to avoid romantic entanglement…I don’t like complications. I don’t like to be placed in situation that I don’t know where I stand. I hate the feeling that maybe I being lied to. Above all, I don’t like what kind of person I can become when I’m involved with someone. I’m a rational person, but I can be unreasonable when it comes to this…even crazy sometimes! That is why I decided to stay away from romantic entanglement…for the meantime. And this means, cutting off my communication with ex. This isn’t healthy. I want to move on, so that’s what I’m going to do!

diary entry 33: nothing’s new

My crush got fired. He received his one month notice for termination yesterday.  It wasn’t because of the recession…he hadn’t been laid off. He was fired by our boss. Why wouldn’t he be? He was such a slacker. He was frequently absent and often late whenever he had an impulse to come here at the office. He didn’t wait for the month to finish. The moment he received his termination letter, he immediately stormed out of the office. What a brat! Ha ha ha. Too bad, I would no longer see that hottie brat. I didn’t like him that much, anyway. Ha ha ha.

 

So, nothing much happened in life. No surprise to that.  Ha ha ha. But of course, there’s always something to learn everyday if I’m just sensitive and receptive enough.

confusion part 1

I feel what I feel. I won’t apologize for it.

The moment I learned that he was in the hospital I wanted to know that instant if he was okay. (This the ex is the one that I’m not in speaking terms with) I wanted to call, text or email him. It took great deal to stop myself from doing so. It surprised to realized how much I still cared for him all this time, but what surprised me more is the realization of how much I didn’t want him to know about it. It was not out of pride from who contacted who first. It was just I thought that there was no good that could come from contacting him and letting him know that I was worried. I got so worried that his thoughts seeped in my subconscious. I dreamed about him for a couple of days. It felt a bit strange that for nearly a year that I almost didn’t think of him, then with this kind of news stirred me in a snap.  I was really confused.  I composed a text message for an hour just to erased it in a minute.  I had a gut feeling that texting wasn’t good idea.  I didn’t really know what to do. I was worried sick. I solicited advices from my friends, some said go, some said no. But I stood by my decision before to stay away from him…That I would never try keep in touch him. After all,  we’re not friends and never were. I doubt if we’ll ever be. There’s no point of contacting him. Besides, a few days after, I hear that he was out of the hospital, doing fine and recuperating already. That was all I needed to know.

mean girl

I’m generally not a mean a person (at the very least I don’t think so). I only pull out the mean girl in me when the situation calls for it. I make a conscious effort not to say or do cruel things to others. I save my biAtchness exclusively for blogging purposes. Like now, I’m about to write something harsh. I know I’ve written some harsh things before but they were about people I dislike…so I don’t actually consider them mean. But when I dish out awful things about the people I care about, that’s mean…or rather wicked. I hate to do this but I have to let this out.

After being alone for some time in a foreign land, it’s just normal to entertain thoughts of going home too. After all, it was my original plan but for some reason I have to postpone it. So one day, out of the blue, I blurted out to my friends (at the office) I was thinking of going home next month. They were a little surprised because it was a sudden decision. I explained that one of the foremost reasons I’ve been staying here is to accompany my sister. Now she’s left, I couldn’t t see the point of staying here (of course I can see the point, I just said that out of sadness). I know Friend A meant well, but her reaction unnerved me. She advised me to finish my contract (June 2010) after all it just a year and a half. According to her I must think of my gratuity, blah, blah. Friend B agreed. Friend A continued dissuading me by suggesting that if I don’t like to stay here, maybe the three of us could cross-country together, blah, blah… Friend B agreed again. But I said I wasn’t sure about that. I reminded them about my original plan was just to pay my debts then save money so I could take my masters and start fulfilling my dreams. Friend B kept quiet. She stated her opinion “…sa bagay, dapat gawin mo makapagpapasaya sa’yo kung anoman yun…” I was relieved to hear that. But Friend A wouldn’t budge. She said that we should stick together, she raised the “walang iwanan” notion blah, blah…She said they would be really sad if I leave, blah, blah! Then she said the most absurd thing “sama sama tayo dito, sama sama rin tayong aalis”. She threw questions like “anong gagawin mo dun sa pinas?” “kikitain mo ba yung kinikita mo dito doon?” Pano na ang mama mo?” “iwan mo na kami?” and then she capped it off with a shocking plea “ay wala naman ganyanan… walang iwanan!” blah, blah…“grabe naman yun” “pano kami?” In my head I was screaming, w-h-a-t-e-v-e-r!!! With my eye brow raised, I shrugged my shoulders then said calmly, “so? wala akong pakiealam”. Good thing, they both took it as a joke. Perhaps, they didn’t think I was capable of saying things like that to them. But in all honesty, I meant every word. I-don’t-care! Yeah, yeah, that’s harsh. Friend A probably meant well and I appreciated her (their) concern but what she said was very inappropriate. What’s more unnerving is that wasn’t the first time she said that. She always says that when plans of going home are being discussed.

I didn’t like the innuendos in the remarks: “sama sama tayo dito, sama sama rin tayong aalis” and “iwan mo na kami?” “pano kami?”. What makes me makes me speechless is “ay walang ganyanan, walang iwanan”. I can’t even begin to address every nuisance and wrongness with those statements. First off, I’m not planning to take the earliest flight back home. Like I’ve said it was just a mere sentiment of my sadness. Yes, I have been considering going home this year but not as early as next month! But even if it were next month, I’d still think that what she said was out of line. Well it’s not like that we became friends and promised never to leave one another’s side for all eternity…then just one day I had a change of heart and planned to abandon them. I can’t recall making such a pact with them. Heck, I’m not crazy! Okay, that’s harsh again… Look, I consider them as my friends and they certainly mean something to me but not to a degree of ditching my plans and dreams for them. What they ask of me is too much. They are asking to give up my hopes, dreams, and happiness. Besides, we are not here together. They arrived here years ahead of me. They came here carrying plans and dreams of their own, just I myself. How can it be that we should leave this place all together at same time? And for pit’s sake! I will not abandon them…I’ll just go back home. There’s a difference there. They ask me how about them? How about me, then? Should I stay here even though I’m sad because that would make them happy? Where is the fairness in that?

I believe there is always a parameter in every relationship. You can always advise or help but you don’t get to intrude utterly in someone’s life. You shouldn’t meddle with someone’s plans especially if they were built before you met…not unless if you’re in a marriage or romantic relationship. You have no business telling people what to do with their lives. Even parents know when to let go. You can’t force people to stay with you. Forcing someone most likely leads to a failure. Above all, you should never hold back people, particularly those people you call friends from chasing after their dreams.

My goodness! Am I making any sense? I think I’m going overboard here. I’m overreacting about a trivial matter. This is horrible. I’m a mean person.

diary entry 27: i dreamt about a friend

 

The other night I dreamt of a friend. The setting of my dream was back home, present time. In my dream, she wanted to talk to me so she invited me to a dinner at a fancy restaurant. I ran a bit late because I had to buy something first. Anyhow, so I found my way to the resto, I came inside and looked for her, she waved her hands, I saw her, and sat down beside her. We ordered plenty of food.  When the food arrived seconds later, I asked her what the occasion was. She told me that in inaudible voice that she got married. Instead of being happy for her, I got so upset. I was so upset that I cried. I went ballistic, actually! Sobbingly, I asked her why she did it, why she married that guy! She blatantly answered me that she loved him…and then I cried even more. Hahaha…but seriously, when I woke up, I was still upset. It felt so real. My subconscious was showing me one of my worst fears. I know my friend doesn’t intend to marry this guy…not yet, but she is confused whether she should be with him or not…again.  I love my friends and naturally, I want them to be happy. I’m not the type of friend who tells my friends what they should or shouldn’t do with their lives…hmm…unless they ask me to! Hahaha… I mean, I don’t usually give unsolicited advices. But if I see my friends on the verge of committing the gravest mistake of their lives, that is when I intervene… However, this rarely happens. I’m far from being perfect. I myself have made handful of mistakes too. Since I don’t know the guy my friend thinks she’s in love with, I’m not qualified to judge him. On the other hand, I don’t have to get to know him to know that he isn’t good enough for her. She is such a loyal friend to her friends…a good daughter to her parents, a dependable sister to her siblings, a loving aunt to her nieces and nephews, hardworking employee… a decent lady, and above all, she is a child of God. She is a good person through and through. And I hope she sees that.

 

***

I spend the weekend with my aunt. She and her Swiss boyfriend were here for a business conference. They went to Manila for several days first and then here for several days too. It was her boyfriend’s birthday, so we went for a desert safari adventure. There were six of us, a Mexican lady and German man, apparently a couple and friends of theirs. It was fun spending the day with them. Desert safari wasn’t new to us, but still we enjoyed ourselves. But we felt a bit guilty because our aunt only invented me and my sister when she has other relatives here…relatives who hoped to see her. My aunt reasoned that it was her beau’s treat that’s why she wasn’t in the position to invite as many people as she pleased. Since we’re her closest relatives here she only asked us to come.

 

***

I’m trying to curtail my increasing attraction to crush. Last week, I barely looked at him. I made it to a point that I wouldn’t be where he would.  And I angled my chair to a direction where I wouldn’t catch a single glance of him. I felt so sidetracked when he’s around. Why wouldn’t I be, he is distractingly good-looking with an interesting personality! But, I decided last week that I would no longer nurture this attraction. I’m not very successful, though. I had lasted a week without a fleeting look of him…but yesterday I indulged myself to a treat of smiling back at him…It felt amazing! But that was it. That would be the last time I let myself that indulgence.  I can’t afford to be distracted, not even by a petty crush on someone.  I hope this is the last time I would be writing about him.

diary entry 26: thy name

There hasn’t been any outcome from our prospective business. It’s been stagnant since the holidays. Expectedly so, we haven’t sent the business proposal to our investors. We’ve been quite busy lately.  But our goal is to send it sooner before investors completely change their mind considering the economic meltdown and all. While I’m at that…I’m starting to get worried. With the recession going on, it’s common to be anxious about losing one’s job. But as for me, I don’t fear losing this job…for myself. As I always say that if I were only thinking of my sake, I would have resigned along time ago. But I’m somewhat agitated by its thought for my mom. I’m worried how this could affect her.

Apparently, I’m not the only one who fancies my crush. It turned out that, ladies from work are also mesmerized by his charm. That’s not surprising, though. Who would not be attracted to a tall young handsome blue eyed guy who is at the same time talented and intelligent? Oh well, there’s nothing else to write about him. We barely speak with each other nowadays. We haven’t really had an actual conversation before. But there was always an exchange of casual hellos and how are yous when we ran into each other at the pantry. And I remember a couple of months ago when he was just starting here, I was the one he frequently approached when he had a question or needed something. But now, not even a word. Lately, instead of directly coming up to me, he just relays his message for me to the officeboy. That’s fine, really. But when I’m just a few feet away and can audibly hear him, that’s a little odd. I’m thinking maybe he took offense from my comment weeks before. But that can’t be, as far as I know it’s not of their culture to make a big deal over trivial matters, let alone ‘rubbish’ comments. I don’t know…Perhaps he is just too lazy to stand up and approach me. Well in truth, it doesn’t matter to me if he talks to me or not. Workplace feels less hellish to me since he came.  And I’m fine with simply seeing him around. Besides, I don’t have any intention to act on it. I’m careful on how I act around people from different race because I don’t only represent myself but also my country…I don’t want to add up to the number of pinoys here who tarnish the name of our already disreputable country. Moreover, my feet are on the ground, I know someone as breathtaking as he is wouldn’t notice an average girl like me. The possibility of that is as low as the chances of snowing in the Philippines. I’m like repeating lines from a romance novel again!

The live-in-girlfriend of my ex has been named. Weirdly enough, her name is what mother was supposed to give me. Anyway, in turned out, a friend of mine knows her.  She gave a bit details about her. I didn’t bother to ask any further. I already knew what I have to know. At the beginning when another friend of mine first told me about it, I was a little doubtful. But now when it is already the two of them…I’m fully convinced that in deed he moved on rather quickly. I don’t have a problem with that. I myself have moved as well. But knowing that the person who professed to love you and wanted you to stay had moved on so fast after you left, raises a lot of questions…ah never mind! I just wish him well.  It’s nice to know that I made the best decision after all.

diary entry 25: girlish stuff

As usual, nothing special has happened.  Some people at the office still draw their joy from annoying us (me and pinay colleagues). It’s as if they’re watching our every move to find ways to annoy us… We speculate maybe they’re just trying to get our attention! To hell with them! We’re here to make a decent living. We don’t hurt anybody or whatever.  We just do our jobs and mind our own frigging business! Can they just please butt off? We’re really running out of patience…especially me. I’m beyond infuriated! I feel that we’re overworked and underpaid, and this the way they treat us?! Oh great! Just great! I’ve been trying to compose myself. I’ve been telling myself there is a reason behind all these. And this all will eventually end. Nonetheless, I feel exhausted. I dread every day that I go to work. Oh Dear Lord, help me!

 

My growing crush on someone does not even lessen my fury, not even when I see him.  I may really sound like a tickled pink teenager here but this guy can make me feel twitchy …in a very good way. Hahaha…  I don’t usually get attracted to pretty boys… but this one is such a looker… And by far, he is the best looking guy I’ve ever seen up close! He is the most gorgeous guy I’ve ever had a conversation with! It’s like talking to someone straight out from a magazine. And the other day he had his hair cut…and it just accentuated the features of his face…three words: drop dead gorgeous. Brief glances at him will surely leave a girl breathless! I thought this kind of stuff can only be found in Stephenie Meyer’s books! Hahaha… enough of this girlish crap!

 

 

dream or nightmare or whatsoever

Everything seemed to be all too familiar. It felt like it was something that we had been doing for quite some time. We seemed so comfortable with each other. It seemed we were so accustomed to everything. We acted as if it was just something we normally did. “Bad day?” he asked with a genuine concern on his face. I answered him with a sigh. He reached over and took my hand. I just looked down. He put his arm around me, and I rested my head on his shoulder. He moved a little closer to kiss my forehead. Without any words spoken… and with those simple gestures, reassurance took over my apprehension … His embrace set me at peace. I felt that everything was going to be fine…that there was nothing to be afraid of or worry about…it felt like nothing in the world was wrong. I lowered my head and pressed it against his chest. I could hear his heartbeat. It felt incredible being close to him. And he said something under his breath, and then we started laughing our heads off. It was amazing how this person easily put me at ease. It felt great. It felt so wonderful. It felt real…except that it wasn’t. All of this never happened…None of this will ever happen. It was just a dream…a dream closer to a nightmare…Nightmare, because every time I dream about him, I woke up crying.

I don’t frequently blog about my lovelife for two simple reasons…first because I don’t feel like talking about it. Second, there isn’t so much to tell… But for once and for all, for the sake of letting it out, I’ll blog about it with the hope that it would bring me sheer liberation from all of this, and to finally leave everything (about us) where it should belong…to the past.

What I went through a couple of months ago was way past grueling. I now blatantly admit that. I was more hurt than I projected to be. I was more devastated about it than I ever thought I could be. I don’t know if it was pride or whatsoever…or maybe I just didn’t want others to know how affected I was…or maybe it was just my way of protecting myself…maybe I didn’t allow myself to know how awful I really felt about it because of so much things going on in my life and the last thing I need was (is) to deal with a broken heart.

Melodramatic as it may sound, I actually thought I wouldn’t be able to laugh again. A lot of times I questioned my decision. I felt that I made a mistake. I couldn’t think clearly. I was badly hurt. But my senses always got hold of me telling me that I did the right thing. But being reminded that I did the right thing didn’t alleviate the pain. It hurt all the same. There were times that I wished I could rip out my heart from my chest just to have a momentary relief from everything. There were times that the only thing I wanted to do was to sleep, because only then I could stop thinking about him. But when he invaded my dream that when it hurt the most…because I thought my dreams were the only place I found refuge from my pain…the only place where the hurtful truth of us not being together couldn’t penetrate…But the dream itself wasn’t the hardest part I had to go through…it was waking up and realizing that everything was only a plain dream no matter how real it felt like.

running after

Sometimes, the reason why we do not run after the things that we badly want is not because we do not want it enough to hound it; but because we want it too much that we give immense worth to it… and that worth overwhelms us to be induced into thinking that we don’t deserve to have it. Its value undermines our capacity, making us realize how big the things we want, and emphasizing how little we are. So, we let them go, believing that they are too good for us… What impedes us more from pursuing them is our fear of destroying them. We sometimes think that possessing them would also mean destroying them. That is the reason that even if the pain of not having what we desire is excruciating and unbearable, we throw up our arms and give up. Although we have the option not to go through agony, but still we don’t choose that option, because there’s a shrill voice that nags us inside our head saying that the things we want are not for us to have. So, we listen to that voice, we play the role of the better person, we walk away, give way to the ones who are much deserving to have the things that we want… we let go and stop running after…

unromantic

       I don’t consider myself as a cynical or bitter person.  I gush at weddings. I get “kilig” when my friends tell me their love stories. I adore babies. I sigh every time I see a pair of elderly people still together, holding hands just like a teenage couple. I cry at Nicholas Sparks’ heartrending novels. I’m okay with having a Koreanovela marathon all day long.  But still some people (who are close to me) think I’m not a romantic person. In fairness to me, these same people also say that I’m generally a sweet person naman ‘daw’, however, they also say there is something about me… something that exudes an unromantic factor… haha. Are the statements I written above not enough to validate me as a romantic person? Am I not sentimental enough?            

Honestly, I don’t get offended when people say I’m unromantic because at some level, I believe I am. That’s why I can see where they get this impression about me.

(Deep breath)

I’m okay with being single for the rest of my life.  Let me just make it clear; I’m not averse to becoming a wife or a mother in the future. As a matter of fact, one of my dreams is to be become a mother. I really, really want to have my own child someday (hopefully, alongside with a God-fearing husband). But if that dream wouldn’t come true, I have no problem with that. All I’m saying is, I do want to have a family of my own someday… however, if I’m better off single and if –- only if it’s His will for me to stay unmarried for all eternity,  I have no objections with that. Does that fact about me make me unromantic?

 I find “theme song” corny, not to mention, unoriginal and clichéd. When people ask me if I and my then significant other had a ‘song’, I quickly answered NO! (Pleeaassee!) I don’t know if they had a song for me…but I absolutely did not!  Why would I dedicate a song if I could write my very own poem? Yup, I wrote a poem for… never mind! (Well, I tend to be poetic when broken hearted).  Does my aversion toward ‘theme song’ make me unromantic?

I don’t believe in ligaw.  Hey, don’t think I’m easy-to-get ah! Haha…I just don’t believe in that. I’ve always seen it as a best-foot-forward thing. For me, it’s better if you start off as friends, talk, get to know each other, hang out, have fun, mingle with each other’s set of friends or better yet, with each other’s family…etcetera, etcetera. Does my disbelief in ligaw make me unromantic?

I get nauseous every time I see overly sweet (online) photos of couples… you know, the we-can’t-get-enough-of-each-other kind of photos… in Filipino, ‘magkakapalit na ng mukha’ … haha. I find some pictures of couples really cute…but there are some which are just nauseously cute. I mean, come on, there’s a thin line between cute sweetness and sickening sweetness. Haha… (there is also a thin line between sickening sweetness and vulgar!) Does my nausea to this stuff make me unromantic?

I’m not the lovey-dovey touchy type.  I’m normally a huggy touchy person… I embrace my parents, lolo, sister and close friends or give them a kiss whenever I feel like it…But I wasn’t exactly like that to my then special someone. I mean, we didn’t divulge in as much PDA as most people do… And some find it very strange, or rather unbelievable that I personify one of Drew Barrymore’s movies. (hope you have the right movie in mind, haha) I wasn’t being righteously conservative like Maria Clara…  I just had (have) my reservations – for the right time and person. Do my reservations make me unromantic? 

 I don’t like Valentine’s Day. I never celebrated this so called occasion, and I don’t have a recollection of greeting anyone a ‘happy valentine’s day’ sincerely. Haha… Because as I can see it; like Christmas, Valentines also had become commercialized nowadays. You know what I mean? Like Christmas, Valentines Day is all about gift-giving… in Filipino, ‘pinagkakakitaan na lang’. Plus, I just don’t understand why make your special someone feel loved and special for a day if you could make him/her feel that way everyday… Does this notion of mine make me unromantic?