the longest journey begins with a single step

I have lots of realizations lately. Although I wanted to narrate all of them in the most poignant way I know how to, I just can’t. I’m just not in the frame of mind to do so. It’s due to my lack of sleep. I’m too sleepy to write. I’m so sleepy that I can’t even remember the events in the past few days that I’m supposed to recount today. But I’m having daily dose of coffee now and maybe caffeine could jog my memory a bit.

Weekend was torture for my sister. Rumor has it; there would be another batch of employees at the company to be laid off. She said that it was to be announced last Thursday but for some reason the owner decided to torture the employees by keeping them hanging, prolonging their anxiety till this week. I’m hoping and praying that my sister isn’t included in the new batch.  I don’t want to be selfish but I know my plans of going home soon to take up my masters will be greatly affected. Worse comes to worst, I have to stand by sister. I have to be there for her. I have to support her in emotional aspect as well as the financial. But more than anything, I’m praying that God would give me strength to accept and handle whatever is going to come my way. As I told a friend, I’m more afraid of what reaction about the situation would be than

the situation itself.

***

It was my father’s birthday yesterday. I was able to speak with him. I have to admit, I missed him. Even though my pop is like that … (I can’t seem to put to words to  his current lifestyle) I know he loves me (us) so much. He has always treated me like a baby…both in a good and bad ways. He pampered and protected in the best ways he could… And I feel being missed so much when talking to him. I just want to write this so that I’d remember missing my pop this much.

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I’ve decided that I let myself to continue being swooned by crush. Even though we barely speak to each other at the office, I don’t mind. He makes my boring day a little exciting. His presence encourages me to fix myself to look like a lady again. Hahaha. And lately, we have been having our cursory how are yous. I’m so psyched! Hahaha… Just a bit embarrassed when he catches me stealing glances at him. But as the corny saying in tagalog goes : hindi ka nya mahuhuling nakatingin kung hindi ka rin nya tinitignan. Hahaha… by the way, I’m allowing myself to be delusional too. hahaha

***

I dreamt of a friend again, this friend is not same one I wrote about on my previous entry. That was a girl friend but this time was a guy friend.  It’s very weird, more so awkward to narrate my dream about him. But for the sake of recounting I’d write it down. In my dream I told him I was in love with him, but made my self clear that I told him that just so he knew and wished not to get involved in his relationship with his girlfriend. That is very strange, because I never find him attractive, not because I don’t think he is, because he has been like a brother to me.

***

Most time I think about our business. I’m a bit agitated with what’s going on with the economy but I’m keeping my hopes up. But I’m really worried, though.

***

The thought of going to a study tour in Korea has been playing in my mind. I’m also praying for this. This is great opportunity for me to deepen my faith and strengthen my relationship with God. I also think this is the only time that I could afford to go to such a tour. Well. I don’t know… there is a lot to consider. I’ll keep praying about this.

***

About my realizations, maybe next time, I’m really not in the zone to recount those kind of things.