the longest journey begins with a single step

They say that the best indication that you’re not crazy is if you actually think you are. The fact that you are sober enough to question your sanity means that you’re still at the right state of mind. If that’s the case, perhaps I’m not crazy…or perhaps just not yet. As a child I wondered why some people gone insane. My prejudice was that crazy people were weak, coward and pathetic… people who simply couldn’t handle their problems well. And now as an adult, I wonder differently. I wonder how some people manage to keep their sanity. In this erratic life, I wonder how one stays strong in the face of constant seatbacks and frustrations. I wonder how one persists despite failures without feeling utterly defeated. I wonder how one graciously deals with a sudden loss of a loved one. I wonder how one keeps an indomitable attitude in pursuing his/her dreams while others harshly pound him/her with discouragements. It’s a wonder to me why some people snapped and how they completely lost their mind. But what really leaves me staggered is the question of how some people keep their selves together while things in their lives fall apart. Is there a guideline on how to keep one’s sanity? If there is, would someone care to lend me? I snapped last Saturday in front of my sister. I was hysterically laughing as tears relentlessly streamed down my cheeks while I angrily vented my rants. I couldn’t stop laughing in a way that I couldn’t stop myself from crying. I was so distressed and angry that it drove me to hysterical laughter. I really thought I gone mad. As I threw fit my sister was watching me with terror. Why wouldn’t she… I was sobbing, muttering things, laughing hard at my private joke which I didn’t care to share with her. She just sat still witnessing my outburst. My sister, having the stronger personality from the two of us didn’t know what to do. Maybe because she knew that what caused my momentary madness was valid. I just needed to succumb and allow insanity take over. My problems haven’t crossed the fence of unbearable side. I know God won’t allow problems that I couldn’t handle to come my way…very grateful for that. But, annoyance has been my loyal buddy, it’s always beside me, it doesn’t leave me alone, not even for a day. But that’s okay because I seem to have the ability to snap out of it day after day. But last week’s incident pushed me to my limit! I have tried hard to be patient. But I had enough! I was very infuriated the entire week and I had never been that exasperated in my life. I had never felt a strong urge to actually strangle someone in my whole existence! I finally understood what the word anger really meant. I was so angry that I thought I gone crazy. What sort of perverted thrill some people get from infuriating others? Why do other people derive their pleasure from making other’s lives miserable? I can say that so far I’ve been somewhat unbeaten by frustrations and depression. With God’s help, I manage to collect myself in every pains and problems I face. If dealt well, such things might help toughen me…That’s why I even thank God for them. But with fury, I don’t know what it could give me aside from madness! It gets the best of me! It brings the worst in me! I’m not usually a violent person but this fury makes me want to kill someone with bare hands…ugh! I need to get out of here before I completely lose my sanity!