the longest journey begins with a single step

05/14/08

  I called my mom. I asked her about what happened to the business that she was planning, she said that she hasn’t thought of anything yet…It’s been two months since she went back home… she hasn’t started anything yet. Upon hearing that, I felt so disappointed… I was upset. My voice became cold… I didn’t want to hear more of her same-old stories, so I put down the phone even though it seemed she wanted to tell me something. After a few minutes, I felt more disappointed… I was so disappointed in myself in the way I spoken with her. So I called her again just to tell her I love her and reminded her to take care of herself.

05/15/08

What has happened to me? I thought I was changing for the better but it seems as time goes by, I’m becoming someone I don’t like. Is it just a phase?  Is it part of the process?

05/16/08

Ptra. Jane is  back!

She reminded me to hold on, keep the faith, and just continue to journey…

Sometime, I really don’t know what to do with my sister… we argue even over trivial things… it’s so exhausting…

05/17/08

 For over a month now… my sister and I have been consistently disagreeing about…anything and everything under the scorching heat of UAE’s sun… Arguing suddenly part of our weekend routine. My weekend will not conclude without me shedding tears.

      It’s easier to blame her…she’s 5yrs older than me… she should be the one who’s more mature…more patient…more resilient… It’s easier to not take it personally, considering she has been harsh to anyone and everyone who gets in her nerves… when I say everyone…that includes… our parents…relatives… her friends… me…my friends… anyone…

I’m hurt. She doesn’t have a hint how much pain she’s been causing me. She isn’t a bad person, and I know that… ( or I tell myself that… ) I know that I hurt her too… and I truly am sorry.

Ate,

    You hurt me so much when you mock my plans and goals. I have enough discouragements around me, I don’t need more from you. You hurt me every time you implicitly tell me that I’m selfish for desiring to pursue my dreams. You chose this kind of life, you chose to be practical…  if you think I’m being an idiot for wanting a not lucrative job, that is your opinion, and I respect that… but please also respect mine…  If you didn’t chase your dreams, please allow me to chase mine. Stop telling me that you’ve been only trying to be a good daughter, so you chose to stay here…so what does that make me, a bad daughter? Bad daughter for what? For going against the tides? Pagiging masamang anak  ba ang pagkakaroon ng  sariling pangarap?  Ate, it’s never too late… You have to fight for what you want to do in your life… That’s your life.

Hindi ako madamot.  Ano pa ba ang gusto mong ibigay ko? Ano pa ang kulang sa ginagawa ko? Alam mo ba na ikaw ang dahilan kung bakit ako nagtitiyaga dito? Tapos sasabihin mo magsosolo ka na lang at bahala kame? I had the chance to go back home, but I stayed…why? For you!

 When will this end? It has to stop with us. I know you love me but having a hard time showing it… you don’t have to tell me why because I do understand…  I know how difficult your childhood was… I saw everything… I was there… I know how it affected you…that is why I’ve been holding back the demon in me not to hurt you back… If I weren’t a believer, malala pa ako sa’yo. Learn to forgive. Don’t let your bitter past swallow you up. I’m here. I love you. God is here. He loves you more than you can ever comprehend. Take his hand. He is waiting for you…

TODAY

     I arrived at the office late…thanks to our driver who seems to be  a former memorial service driver… As always…irritation started my day… This is the reason why don’t want to go back home just yet…I’ve been annoyed… angry…tired… that if I have a taste of life at home, I may dread  coming back here…